I know I should be mature enough to handle this. I should not whine about it but do you know how irritating PW is...

or rather how irritating MY GROUP is...


I tell you, if timothy is in front of me... I wouldn't shout or scream... I am not that kind. I don't know what I will do. I will probably toss my arms in exasperation and complain to the AIR. Firstly, he agrees to do the GPP. I asked him, confirmed with him, YOU SURE AH. At that time, he wasn't so FLOODED with tsd slots yet. He could have started? Now he claims he is FLOODED with TSD SLOTS, and he says can SOMEONE ELSE do the GPP?

EXCUSE ME. maybe that's what you have in mind all the while, last minute say cannot finish, then push to me because i'm NON-TSDIAN besides Jolene who is overseas now. In the very beginning, I stated my commitments during june holidays. I DID.


Throughout secondary school, I had been always volunteering to do the writing, editing, combining the parts for assignments, group essays, projects.... I have no complaints. I like the challenges. I am a perfectionist. I want the grades. Now I am just tired of all these...

Well, can you please keep to your promise, the task you have been assigned? I am not UNREASONABLE. i DID CHECK WITH YOU BEFORE WHETHER YOU ARE ABLE TO HANDLE... YOU SAID OKAY.

Is everyone thinking that if they pretend there is nothing, maybe they will be able to get away with it. If I never SMSED HIM, REMINDED HIM, he wouldn't have come to tell me and what would have happened to the project...

At least mikaela replied my sms.

I am just repulsed at how people can be so irresponsible?

I am in NO MOOD for leadership semniar or whatever...





BUZZ OFFFFFFFFFF.

I drift I burn, I fly
When you sing lullabies
I'm helpless, I'm yearning
I'm like putty in your hand

I laugh, I dream, I cry
When you take me on a rollercoaster ride
you see me through and through
You see just who I am...

Just take my hand and
save me from this place

Heaven knows I'm falling
For you, my sweet embrace...

Heaven knows...
Heaven knows I've been waiting for you


Save me~

Corrinne May's songs are beautiful.

I love her lyrics.

The beauty of language.

amor de mi alma

Last night I was telling stories to Mathias. He was erm... the only one who paid attention. Poor him. He must have been baffled by the ambiguity.

---

life is really a MYRIAD.

a concoction of bitterness, elation, laughter and devastation...
but ultimately everyone has to gulp down this drink

by hook or by crook.

some will try to make the weird blend taste better
they add little elements to the drink

add more sugar? add more honey?

they keep themselves happy

some succumb to the pathos though
they want to be intoxicated in the high-strung depression of the drink...

some will just sit in a corner

and sip

and sip

the drink

slowly, slowly

and wait for the day,
patiently...

where someone will pay for the drink

and he will be rescued.

----


Stories are nice. Behind every story, there is this whole industry... whole production process... the writer has to go through so much.. so far to weave the story... Is this a premature ending? or is it meant to be, perhaps the ending has already been far too delayed? Can the author just write off everything, push aside the production process he has slogged through... just because at this moment, his imagination is curbed... just because his story has not reached the desired climax...

Maybe the writer needs to start anew... a refreshing notion... to rejuvenate his passion, his faith in his skill, in his power of weaving tales...

maybe...

But the half-written story

the one he has abandoned
the one he has given up on



the writer will always remember

Always.


---

I really like my 'rain' story. I shall wait for a rainy day and write the third segment. The last one. Going to chinatown later with jeanette to shop for gifts to give my host and family and friends.
---


I just bought her second album. I am going to buy her first album!

Guilt probably isn't the word.

Or maybe it is?

Somehow I feel responsible.


----


Believe it or not, I have my insecurities, doubts and weak side. You are not alone.

Sam is right about if I set my mind and heart onto something, I will be really determined to accomplish it. The problem is I need a whole new spurt of energy... find a new aim... to be excited again... :)

No matter what obstacles we face it... (sounds so clinched) let's overcome it!

---

That's it. I don't know how to continue my entry in a coherent yet not overly blatant way.

Not on form to write ambiguous lines or poetry.

---

I knew something was wrong.



I am right, aren't I?


Clouded. Obscured.


Banana split.

:(

Nostalgia.

Sam and I were telling Jeremy Chia how much he was/IS missing out in Catholic High. hehs. We were telling him how our handovers and V days like in our schools. :) All the speeches... all the crying... all the hugging... all the letters and cards... All the sharing... -nods- He seemed envious.

I was just talking to Diane. I asked whether they are performing for their seniors. They aren't. They are still busy preparing handover gifts. Told them not to let the 'who is going to lead' thingy get in the way. (Leadership is freakingly becoming a PLATITUDE.) Just.. erm... take the initiative. When we were in sec three, we were so keen to perform for the seniors that Jo and I organised secret extra pracs and we asked shihui to take charge of the musical aspect. SO FUN then. all the.. hiding from the seniors... haha. :) hehs. Talking to diane ALWAYS brings up MEMORIES. She was like.. she doesn't think she will sleep at all the night before handover... hahaha. last yr.. i slept one hour? was preparing for the planning... games stuff... and handover gifts.

dhs rocks. A sense of homeliness. was sitting near weilin, pei en and ziyi and kaiwen today.. and kaiwen was crapping about how GOOD he is at teaching. Suddenly, you feel a sense of dunmanian warmth? argh. CRAP. hee. As in.. they aren't threatening, intimidating or anything... I think I am so tired that I start crapping.

------------

Jeremy Chia is in sopranos! :) His audition was WOW. You can tell that all of us were impressed. He reached a F sharp. Most importantly, his placement doesn't change... consistent. It's all up there. welcome to sopsies! heh heh. Sopsies are one BIG FAMILY. love you all.



Now I know how it feels like to be judged critically for one hour and counting... haha.
The audience might have the following reactions:

1. *HUH. NO LINK* expression
2. Politically correct
3. All the ideologies... actions?
4. (I think I can offer much better answers)
5. -nods-
6. looks restless
7. yawns
8. looks at you skeptically
9. looks at you earnestly
10. This is not what we want.

great experience.. :)

----

Thanks to all who vote for me and those don't believe in me too. Motivation:)

All the sopsies yr ones... Looking at you all during Q and A gave me more energy! Pei en and caroline and steph! :)

May ling: my dhs senior... dhs to dhs! It means a lot to me. :) I still remember two years ago, you talked to zhou chu and me together after handover... I can't express in words. You were a wonderful prez and a competent secretary in vj choir. geez. Love ya!
Sheena: Always look up to you and it's really great talking to you and stuff...
Jiayun: Another person that I respect a lot too. You think I'm pretty earnest. haha.
Bi Ying: Thanks for sensing that I was very out of sorts and the hug too. For that moment, it really rejuvenated me a lot.

(If I wait until farewell, I would have forgotten what are the essential stuff that I want to write)

All the other ten brave souls: Hey, we did our best! :) We have a long way to go! The year one batch...
you-know-who: I have absolute faith in you k. Chunk those SKEPTICAL LOOKS away. I really believe you have what it takes. smileeee :)

talked to a few people and u know, reaffirm their potential and abilities... and clearing up misunderstandings... :)
-----
lol. This isn't happiness I am feeling. It's more of anticipation and hmmm.. You see, all along, we have been 'guest-starring' as leaders, taking initiative now and then. Now, we have to assume 'leading roles'. Believe it or not, I am still absorbing. It is not WOW, I GOT IT. It's not that kind of selfish sense of achievement u got for good grades. It's more like... ' it's done and over with... a new chapter now?'

----


cheerios. vjc choir rocks.

----

soccer lost to mjc. Being second is a spring board for better performance next year. :) FIGHT ON.

----

I think I am having a fever.

Could be dengue fever. I got bitten by mosquitos today. heh.

Nose block.

I feel very sorry now for making unnecessary comments. Please come online so that I can apologise. argh. :( -SIGH-

My brain is so fuzzy now. I keep typing the wrong words while chatting to my friends. bah. Lessons ended so much earlier. I dozed off during maths lecture, totally zonked out. Never been so bad before especially after first three months...

I went to watch tennis match. Don't know what's happening. I saw wantian!!! ahhh! Miss you dearie.the vjc teachers kept looking at us furtively when I linked her arms. Excuse me I am a friendly person k :) hee. Tan Yeow Hwee is really embarassing. He shouldn't have shouted at vj people in front of other schools that we should not support the tennis boys matches, but must instead support the tennis girls cos vjc is still competing. Acjc and Rjc peeps were like STARING at us. Very embarassing! So the so-called school spirit.. VICTORIAN SPIRIT... is ONLY a PLATITUDE. eurgh!

Went suntec. bought YELLOW SOCKS. You know what, I like yellow more and more... and green too. haha. :)


I think I can be a mediator. I always try to think of the nice and bright side of people. I always think that one can't be that bad. Then again, what is bad... what is 'that bad'... what is good...

sheesh. crapping.

I realise too, today, that there are many 'what's this word for forlorn story between star-crossed lovers( i can't remember the word!)' in this world...

well.

Tanned.

Ben tan is so going to kill me because I have not yet finished the script. I feel like I have not settled down and let myself immerse in the scenario, not deep enough, not inspired enough to start penning.

ACJC choir concert was quite a disappointment. They are not very exciting but they have good techniques especially for soft singing. errr.. It's something I find it very hard to control. darn. Really like this song.. Kastie Tadie... The moment they started singing, I was like... "I like this! It is so sad..." I began to share my opinions with Caroline and shihui.. yup, Shihui showed me the commentary on that song. No wonder. It's about the suffering of the children in the tragedy of the country's history. Ah!


I kind of like the songs in the second half... the collection of texts by the Spanish poet Lorca... I like the musical transition. oh well. bah.

Shopping trip FAILED. hahaha. I think next time I really want to dedicate a huge chunk of time to shopping, WHOLLY SHOPPING. It feels terrible not having to buy anything/everything you want. It's great at least we tried on some clothes today. heh heh. :) I hope there is some kind of winter sale in NZ! I am looking forward... I hope I get a hospitable host family with NO CATS.


To whoever is heartbroken and lost, be strong and move on. :) tada.




I feel very cheery... Must be the swim and the shopping and the studying. Rejuvenated the jaded, cynical soul.

Happy happy... shalala.

I am going shopping later. :) yay.

Boredom.

I think I had a change of heart.

How can feelings be rationalised?

Unravel me?

Try.. and you will fail.


(Then again you probably won't.)

Your Every Color

I can see the red, white and free in you
You light the night up like the moon
And underneath your clouds, I see the blue

You're hopeless 'cause you tell the truth
The stars are jealous of your shine
If you were mine
There's not a thing I wouldn't do

You're black and beautiful, yellow, tan
You're white as light and soft as sand
With greens and greys and oh for days
A silver lining on the way you cover everyone
Just like a morning sun
You turn me into someone I
would rather be

OOO- I love your every color
OOO- I love your everything
You wear the day around you
Like it's yours to stay around you
Maybe I could stay around you too
If that's alright with you

You're coffee brown and bubble gum pink
And oh I think the shade of you is on the brink
Of changing all the ways I see the world
I could drown inside a single drop
Of all the kinds of things you got
And all the kinds of things I'm not

Might just give me a chance to see
From way up where you are
Above the silent stars
Just dancing in the sky

You're better than any rainbow
You're brighter than the sun
You look like my first day of summer
When my spring is on the run
You're gold and more gold
And you're platinum too
With snow toned, copper attitude
I don't know what I'd do without you
I don't know what I'll do about you

醒めない夢を見よう...



What a difference a day makes
Twenty-four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers
Where there used to be rain

My yesterday was blue, dear
Today I'm a part of you, dear
My lonely nights are through, dear
Since you said you were mine

What a difference a day makes
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy
Since that moment of bliss, that thrilling kiss

It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you...

醒めない夢を見よう...

Nowadays, I am so tired from school that I fell asleep easily and very early too. Bah. What happened to my early morning reveries and stoning and dreaming...

Ambiguity.

Today I will write with more clarity. :)

The interview was pretty ok. It was so much more informal than I thought it will be. I always think that interviews are DECEPTIVE. I've been telling er.. the rest of them how deceptive interviews can be... like a good speaker isn't equivalent to a good leader, etc. I realise I forgot to add something, told Gabriel later... that we must IMPROVE COMMUNICATION with teachers. hahaha. aiya. This kind of thing is easier said than done. needs both hands to clap...

I thought sam, marie and I were pretty funny... the part where we had similar answers. The nomination and the marks for the current comm. hehs. and how we 'argued' with Irvin regarding something. Sorry, Irvin. geez. We played zhong ji mi ma after the interviews. It was toally LOL. I did the umbrella dare. Everyone seemed pretty shocked that I would do dare. I like to do dare more than truth... bah. :)

That was the day I felt empty for no reason at all, or hmmm.. for some reasons.






I finished maths assignment ahead of time. yay. GP essay was a morale booster for me. Not THAT GOOD yet but it put a smile on my face. Lit essay was demoralising. (I just pulled a strand of hair out of my eye. eurgh.) Reflecting upon it, my organisation was really horrible. All those essays written while I am like half asleep... I wrote my latest econs essay in the car on that morning itself. (SOV day) TERRIBLE.

-sigh-

Impending mid-years exams.


I haven't had a mid year exam for four years. I can't remember how it was like to sit for an exam.




Marie told me something really hilarious when there were only two of us in the choir room. I collapsed onto the floor with guffaw. heh heh. OH WELL. Now I know! -GRINS-

hmpf. You know what... I can't wait for leadership seminar and the nz exchange programme... then again I hope they never arrive. haha. Their arrival will spell the LOOMING DARKNESS mid year exams will bring. B for both econs and geog, C for lit and E for Maths. :)

Go for it, girl!

I think life will be pretty fulfilling too if I can read and appreciate books and films everyday.. then let your brain be challenged by the powerful currents of thoughts and criticism.

Then it will be your turn for you to wave the wand and perform your magic with your thoughts imprinted boldly onto that fresh sheet of paper.


I will like that kind of life sometimes.

(P.S I think I lead a secluded and sheltered life.)


I don't know what has taken over me today.

Mad, out of the mind, simply wild and unrestrained.





In the morning. I was well, disappointed, to hear that kind of thing. ):

In the morning too. where serene and I got really bimbotic in front of jon cho cos' we were squealing over our eye candy. Cho was trying to guess which one and he was quite bad at it. haha.

I was insulted and hurt by it didn't affect me so much that I was moody for the whole day. It was something else altogether. The thing is... I have no idea WHAT.


I want to ACT so badly. I want to ESCAPE to another character, another realm... where I can probably and finally seek solace and the calmness that come after the turbulence. The fact is everything is so eeriely, hauntingly peaceful.. I have no idea what have happened to me.

If you say I am lost, it is not really true because I still know what I want. I still have aims and goals. I am still the girl who came into vj, felt torn apart for the first week, but went on with the indelible tear stains, for what I love and wish to be part of. It's like under these many layers of confidence and assurance and dreams and visions, it's VOID.

Emptiness.

How scary.


I really want to cry. Need to.

Maybe that's the reason.



Depressed.


I felt freakingly useless.

Back from sleepover. -yawns-

I have HUGE EYEBAGS now. ):

How should I begin...

Yesterday was really incredible. :)

I went for GP tutorial, was concentrating and hmm.. writing letters at the same time. I skipped one period of geography lecture and met up with steph and caroline to do stuff for the bday girls. Had 'lunch' with the sopsies yr ones! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLS! :D

I wasn't really unfamiliar with Esplanade backstage and dressing rooms but the moment I stepped onto the stage for the real performace. I was overwhelmed with disbelief and pride.

I am part of VJC CHOIR and this is our symphony of voices.
and before us... thousand plus of people anticipating the repertoire to unfold...

I felt comfortably weird singing with my dream choir. :)

I got through I Thank You God. :) It's a beautiful song, really. Evan the emcee said that that is his FAVOURITE SONG of the whole repertoire. My sister just asked me whether I sang very loudly cos she can hear me? -raises eyebrows- Anyway, the first and third solo lines were rather fine... the second one.. we let bing come in at E, then the three of us joined in. I am glad I didn't freak out totally. yay. :)

There were some mistakes here and there. She Weeps Over Rahoon. gosh. Our hearts all skipped a beat when we missed the first "love". I am glad we all stayed composed and professional. It's a sorrowful, hauntingly beautiful piece but not everyone knows how to appreciate it. bah.

The masses like LOUD SONGS. Cloudburst probably made them sit on the edge of their seats. I like the song. It's really satisfactory to witness how flabbergasted the audience was... hearing your voices linger in the mid-air and the audience breaking out in thunderous applause... woah. Fabulous feeling.

oh yes, we were all busy taking pictures.. raving mad, restless teens... haha. I like my make-up! haha. The eyeliner adds the touch of intensity. I looked evil. heh heh. After the concert, I think the colour started to run and I looked like I haven't slept for five days, according to jianhao and lucas. haha.

I almost cried after singing the first two lines of nomanisanisland. I didn't. I am pretty surprised why I never shed a tear at all. I ususally bawled after concerts in dhschoir. Even my juniors asked. They said they expected to see me in tears. hahaha. You know what, I have no idea too... Maybe the setting was too formal. With every ending comes a beginning.

I ended up staying overnight at rayner's place with a few choir ppl. It was very disgusting to have not showered. eurgh. The rest fell asleep pretty soon. Only marie, gabriel and i stayed up to crap... haha. Come to think of it, we seemed to have talked about a lot of important stuff, but in half-asleep mode, so right now I am wondering those recollections are dreams or reality, haha. cos it seemed so fuzzy to me now. I think I slept at four plus. well... The TWO of them continued yakking till the wee hours -dotdotdot- :)


Woke up, still drowsy, did some cooking... no specs, no contacts. The world can be so fascinating despite being blurred. hehs. Some of them went to school, some went to the airport to 'hang around'. I came home supposedly to study to lessen my guilt. ahem! well, obviously, I haven't done so. -sheepish grin-



Before I forget, here's a shout-out to my friends and you-know-who you are:

sopsies seniors-
Thanks for the notebook! :) You all must have spent a hard time embellishing it. I will make good use of it. We have great seniors. -nods nods- nomanisanisland. (I am very very tempted to write a little msg for every sop senior but I think I will get carried off and my entry will be ultra long. I really wanted to write a sov card for you. Really sorry. hmpf.)

sopsies yr ones-
You intellectuals and bimbos and baby...(!) have been a great bundle of joy and laughter! It's really quite amazing how we can all click and stick together like YUPPI gummies. All the sharing sessions and bdays celebrations... bah. I hope we will be as bubbly and united as ever. cheerios.

Samantha(choir)-
yoohoo darling, fellow ssgm! I am really touched by your honey drink. hehs. We are so different and yet so similar. I am glad I have someone like you to share our viewpoints about choir and stuff, to rant to and to listen to my ramblings. Your message made me want to cry too. I feel guilty that I wrote yours at the eleventh hour. I agree with you that changes will probably start to pirouette into a huge hurricane. Things will be different. Having a friend like you who shares a same, strong vision abt stuff will make the changes seem more natural and worthwhile. :) love ya!

rayner tannn-
Thanks for your letter :) Pretty surprised. Ranting. Randomness. Rayner. so many thank yous in the letter... Well, thank you for being there to listen despite my mood swings, crankiness and everything weird that will happen after the clock strikes twelve. midnight madness. Thanks! :) You pulled through your solo parts and we ended SOV's repertoire with a BANG. woohoo. cheerios to online crapping.

the rest of the family-
zhou chu, nicole, jeremy chia, irvin, jianhao,gabriel, ben tan... you name it. All of you! THANKS and -HUGS-

the man with the touch of magic- heartfelt thanks! (even though you don't know me) You helped carve us into a true piece of ART. :)


come to think of it, we should have a CHOIR GROUP HUG. =p

samantha(a55)-
I was really elated that you came to support me and brought your ac choir friend and his friends along. I hope you have enjoyed it. :) Thanks a lot for the lilies. THANKS TO CATS. -meow- heh heh. The gang of you has always been very supportive of me.. very caring. I can feel your LOVE. woohoo~ geez.

junyi-
I am really lost for words when you gave me the AWTR movie poster. can't believe that you remember! :) It's my wish you know to own that poster. Thanks a lot! I loveee a walk to remember! -swoons-

cheryl-
getting sexier and sexier huh.. used to be more conservative towards your dressing. heez. Anyway, thanks for coming down to support this old buddy of yours. Your Mrs Field's brownies are delicious. :) v v happy to see you. I miss you! come my hse and play ORGAN. yay... haha. you play i listen. deal!

mabel-
thanks for that msg.. and the chocs you have bought for me. Really sweet you know when pple can't make it, but they still bother to send u well wishes and everything. warms my heart... MISSING YOU.

berdine-
best bud dearie! gosh. do you miss CHORAL SINGING? haha. Miss the times we used to hang around the choir room, the canteen(bball guys!), some corners to talk and laugh. heh. Too bad I didn;t get to see you yesterday! argh* -hugs- I really appreciate your support yeahs. :) It's beyond WORDS. :)

joanna-
haha. okays, you said the concert was dull. We had a lot of softer pieces this year... peculiar kind. They are really pretty captivating though. haha. Whatever it is, you came to support and that's really enough to make me happy. heez. missing choral singing yays! Vjc choir has always been our dream... now that yu have taken a different trajectory, you too will have new explorations before you set your newfound dreams. Continue supporting the choir k!!! hahaa. love you! :)


Juniors(diane, berlinda, jerrold, louis, michelle,yulin)-

wow. You guys have been a pillar of support and strength through my times in dhschoir. :) Serious! I mean, you all even wrote cards for me and everything for my SOV. I am glad I had been of help to you. yups. Hearing your exclamations of how the 21 bucks were so worth it made my heart really swell with pride. I am really touched yeah. -hugs- Really wish to sing with you guys again...what about the coming dhschoir handover?

Continue to give your best for dhschoir.. I understand sometimes you might get jaded, but persist k? Keep dhschoir strong, keep the passion for singing burning. :) Love you.

andrew-
pri school bud! haha the ex gentle giant. You are a nice, friendly fellow. :) Glad that you make it here after first three months and you seem to be enjoying A53! thanks for the support. 6-12 forever! hahaha.

grace lo-
I wish you are part of the vj choir experience. -moans- I hope you are enjoying life in SA. really happy to see you yesterday! and the hug too! MISS YOU, girl. :) You know how to appreciate choral music and is seemingly crazy over it. geez. MISS CHORAL SINGING yeah? -hugs-

my family, godmother's family, my sis-
you guys simply ROCK. haha. nice chocs that you all bought me from CHOCZ. My mother has always been very practical. Flowers are a no-no for her. haha.


well... some of the seniors were sobbing. hmmm. I feel sad now. DELAYED emotions. Last SOV with the seniors. -sigh-

We still have two more performances together though! yups. It's not the end yet. :)

I smirked.

What do you call this?
Unimaginable YOU.
(How true... no one could have imagined.)
Please let someone else descend upon the earth and take over your place.
I am tired of hiding and lying and hiding and lying.

Do You even guess it... now and then? Suspicion?
Have you?


I smirked again.
So what if you do...

SO WHAT.

It's Sunday!

Two more days... I think I will be a chirpy girl throughout tommorow. I will raise my hands up constantly, be very attentive, be a more-than-ever conscientious student. :) heh

well... -sheepish smile- I haven't touched any of my work yet. Yesterday, I slept early. had a weird dream... Electone lesson was uninspiring. oh! I realise Ben tan learnt organ too! so cool. Grade Six. I seriously wonder how long I will take before I am ready for the grade seven exam.
I waited for the shops in Novena to open so that I can replenish the GREEN accessories to go with my green hebrew skirt. I should have bought something purple cos' green and purple combination is quite in recently.

Choir practice extended till late afternoon. Year ones had our own practice earlier. We are so ill-prepared. hmmmm.. At one point of time, I swore I almost turned VIOLENT. haha. Pei en and Isabelle were so frightened of me. heehe. Seriously, anyone in that situation would be astonished by someone's inappropriacy and lack of EQ. It's like a big HUH, what do you think you are doing??!! I am really shocked as HOW CAN someone who had a considerably high post in the past, do such a thing and has no respect for that person in charge at that moment. eurgh.

Even the baby of sopsies expressed disapproval of someone's actions.

-growls- I am VIOLENT.

haha. Yesterday carol and a few others asked me why was I so quiet... I'm pretty troubled over I thank You God. bah. I thought I am improving but yesterday when we sang it before mr kwei, I screwed it up again.. not the whole thing but significantly enough to make me anxious.

k, enough grousing. Time to do work.

ahhh... Other than that, I am quite apprehensive of how politics might surface among year ones. With all those elections and selections and blah blah blah... coming up... I don't think it's avoidable. :(

The last episode of the fann wong show was just aired. -weeps- It's very dramatic and tragic but I like it. oh well.. The Chinese title is called "Jing Zhong Ren", loosely translated to English, "The Person in the Mirror".

Sometimes I really wonder, when you gaze at your reflection.. Is there more to it than you see? The unconscious, darker fraction of your soul that sleeps within... lying dormant... One day.

One day, it might just break free.







I love Friday nights. Friday, I'm in L.O.V.E


Today was pretty uneventful.. ahh. okay, maybe not really. PW is really irritating. I am baffled, MOE. I AM lah! One minute you want us to think and be creative and then the next moment you say it's too abstract. Can't you tell us from the very beginning... I mean every idea will have its flaws and good attributes. I am ready to accept it. I am just really puzzled. I don't want to generate a whole new idea again. It takes up too much time... (ahem! what is the deadline u gave us?) and like COME ON lah. We aren't superpeople. You want us to excel in innovative, critical thinking, work on projects... well, lighten the essay load. so squishy.

I am supposed to be able to thrive under stress. heh.

I am just irritated with PW, really.

I thought I like/d it. It's the deadlines really. Unreasonable! whatever, I will live with it and SMILE. :)

oh... NZ trip. I must say now I understand why Serene commented that lemuel is anal to a certain extent. Well, Mrs Low smsed us whether we want the cheaper airfares(NZ airline) or the more expensive(without tv on our own seat) ones(SQ). I told her if the other two want the ex one, I don't mind but I will naturally prefer the cheaper airfares. hoho. Lemuel didn't reply Mrs Low, I think. Mrs Low booked the nz tix first for us since only a few seats were left. WELL, then lemuel said he really would have prefered the sq ones and asked me whether i mind paying the cancellation fees or not. I told him I am okay if you all are insistent on the SQ one but spare a thought for Mrs Low, won't he? I mean... like come on, it's very troublesome to cancel reservations and scour for another again. Can't they just make do? -URGH-

The happier part of my day was that I went back to dhs. I took taxi and rushed back after PW lesson. It's really great to step into that blue and white building... haha. NOT REALLY anymore. Take a look at the classrooms! Each class is given money to decorate their class and they literally repaint their classrooms... some with the image of sky and clouds, or strips of bold colours.. etc. WOW. It's a little hard to witness the familiar environment i had spent four years in, taking a sharp turn of transformation.

I hugged my laogong, diane and Yulin! geez. I miss them terribly. The rest of them included. Promoted our concert.. well we got a few more people coming. Met the sec ones. hahaha. Were we like that before? The sec two and three members performed for the sec ones and vice versa. The sec ones sang "One Song". That was my pri school choral song, I must say! Anyway, Shihui and I were so tempted... We sang pretty loudly with them cos the sec ones are losing their notes. gah. well, I look forward to hearing them next time. Their improvement. :)

oh.. Diane and Xueling went on about how SHUAI and CUTE jianhao is... haha. LOL. -shakes head-


"I thank you God" is an amazingly beautiful song. so delicate.


I look forward to tmr's practice! :D

I am inspired by Mr Koh to slog hard for my maths. He's such a caring teacher. :)

Choir room is air-conditioned today! -grins- We have this crazy idea of having a choir sweater or windbreaker. cool yeah.

The technical run today was pretty messed up at some point of time. hmpf! ok. Sometimes, you get the different points of views from people and make me really ponder hard, you know. It's five more days to SOV. :) WORK HARD, DARLINGS AND DEARS.

I hope our ideas can be approved.


Why is my entry seemingly so distorted and incoherent...

SVA discussion.. well, I manage to grasp the characters and the storyline. I am glad that the emotional elements are added in to enhance the plot because it helps to trigger off the writing urge and inspirations. I like SAD stuff. well, sometimes. I can't wait to start writing. Right now, my brain is so cluttered.




LIT ESSAY time! ahh!


I rather do maths today. heh heh

I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T. I JUST DON'T.

arghhhhhhh.

Getting really moody.

You are the cause.

YOU.
YOU.

I have these weird headaches recently...

well, felt so much more cheerful today :)

I wish the world will stop spinning for just one day...

I wish...

I have been wishing on someone else's star?









GP esaay due tommorow. -snaps back to reality-

I am exhausted.

I think I should sleep first and then wake up later?

Two happy things today... I thank you God solo part, well, I felt that I sang reasonably okay today. The high notes weren't squeaky. It's an improvement. :) I felt exhilarated after singing that. yeah! still need to tackle the placement thingy for this particular part. I think practising with steph before practice is good, get myself warmed up to the song. :)

Second! I am going for leadership training camp! I love camp and I can't wait to meet new people.



oh, a few of us brainstormed for SVA. Quite cool... Writing script is a new adventure for me. I haven't been writing scripts for ages. I don't know where it will lead me but I will give it a shot. heh.

I understand why there is a need to have different online diaries or blogs at the same time. Sometimes, you just have to sieve out the content you want to publish online. You need a different estuary for your catharisis of emotions and sometimes, it's baffling to write in metaphors and imagery in order to hide what you want to convey...

sheesh. crapping.

Happy Mothers' Day!

I am so so dead. All I managed to do this weekend was the lit group presentation and a bit of Ted Hughes annotation. That's all! I am lagging very far behind.

Went to pan pacific hotel and had Mothers' Day Buffet. Sadly, there wasn't chocolate buffet today. :(

I think a few people make me really look forward to SOV and stay optimistic. Khairul nizam is one. -lol- Just the other day, he came to me and asked me whether we are singing Leonardo. I said we are and he became ecstastic and went on about how he loves that song and that he is looking forward to our concert. Cheryl, my old bud, who is bent on going SOV and trying to ask her friends to go with her. Joanna...poor girl, I will get the seat nearest to berdine and xinyang! Sam(class) and her occasional inputs of "yay, I am going for choir concert!"... ahh.. and my juniors too.. diane and her sudden sms! The thought of buying 20 over tickets next week for friends and family thrills me. It's one percent of the total seats. If everyone contributes 1 percent, it will be full house!


I got a new template. I mean, obviously... This is done by my laogong! :) I didn't know she is so pro at designing templates. Her own template is gorgeous. I must get her to teach me one day. I like Serene's deisgn style too. I like her darker templates. THE DARK SIDE OF SIYING. woohoo.

She weeps over Rahoon is a really poignant, enigmatic song. I am glad the 'pains' of learning all the weird notes at first paid off because now I understand how strangely beautiful it can be...

Love love love, hear thou how soft.. how sad his voice is...



oh oh, talking to Diane now and she is telling me as usual the dhschoir stuff... and She told me about interview and Huping's rubbish questions. GUESS WHAT? My FISH AND CHIPS QUESTION IS FAMOUS! COPYRIGHTS SIYING. geez.

Well, a year ago, I popped this qns to Diane.. How will you relate fish and chips to choir? It wasn't planned. It was just a question that sprouted out of nowhere. Diane told me it is a question she will never forget because the question is really too RANDOM. I am PRINCESS RANDOMNESS. well, jasmine and jerrold asked her the question too when they were having dinner. LOL. They must have kopped from this list of interview questions we passed to the current comm as a source of examples. heh heh. well, I still remember Diane's answer. :)

Suddenly, a memory jolted. haha. I recalled Ziyi, Kaiwen and Weilin singing a few songs as farewell items two yrs back... ahhh! and the handover last yr was really very fun! with the Jackass, exterminators, the eighters... the very sweet group performances... :) :) :) I couldn't get you out of my head, dhschoir...

Dunman high is going to undergo huge changes... Our usual karaoke competition is turning into dunmanian idol. hmmm!


well, got to sleep. choir tmr! -grin-





thinking of you... NO MORE.

yoyoyo.

Today was a much better day.

VJC CHOIR is TOP CHOIR! :)

I am really happy about it. I asked about ac, and when I heard they got fourth. I went like.." so sad..." The few seniors around gave me weird looks. haha. That was my truthful reaction, as in, quite sad from top dropped to fourth position, if I put myself in their shoes. I felt happy that we are top, not that we beat ac. :) oh... and darren was quite anguish, telling me that we were only a few decimals above aj. well.. congrats aj! WE SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR THEM. come on people, have faith. It only proved that we should work hard, continue doing so, and reaffirm our title by singing our best for SOV! :) We should turn all those silly little worries into motivation. yay.

I want to sing nomanisanisland. hmmm. Really want to thank all friends and juniors who have dropped me hugs and smses so much that my phone was flooded. yup. Jiayun and mayling for their letters! All the rest of the vjchoir! What can I do without them? bahh. The sopsies year ones... we rock! lalala.

SOV. exciting! :)

ahhh.. You know Mr Dominic Chua smsed me just now and told me I was selected for CAP. I was like OMG. are u serious??!! HAHA. cos' I didn't complete my portfolio. I was quite saddened long time ago that I didn't write reflections for each piece of work. I long forgotten about CAP until Mr Chua's sms. After I replied Mr Chua, he sent me another sms! HAHAHA. He went, sorry siying, I was misinformed by the HOD... blah blah. geez. Hilarious. I was so overjoyed. bah. nah. I am not very disappointed cos I didn't even follow their requirements for the portfolio properly. just find it pretty funny. hee. I don't know how mr dominic chua looks but can imagine he must be quite embarassed when he sent me the second sms. :)

New Zealand! I want to meet the other two people! and the seniors who went last year! exciting... hahaha. ^-^ We get to book our own airfares. I better sms lemuel asap. :) lalala.

love vjc choir!

I feel like puking.

What a bad start of an entry of a wonderful day...

haha. Rollercoaster ride today.

I was fairly excited and happy this morning. Mood was a bit dampened cos' of some reasons. We did warm-ups as usual. I am really worried for my voice. (Not properly recovered yet, like halfway there but not there. There is phlegm. disgusting. and now I am sneezing madly.) Anyway, tried my best not to think negatively, I thought kwei's appearance and words made a huge difference.

I walked off the SCH stage, feeling good about our performance. Definitely, for pamugun, we didn't really develop to its full potential. Nevertheless, I felt good. I felt demoralised when all the extra comments came in. It's okay u know, to make comments like our pitch blah blah, after our performance but it got really irritating when they kept going on and on and on.. diminishing confidence and everything. Shouldn't we have more confidence in ourselves?

I snapped at mathias. Outburst. In front of Adrian which was pretty embarassing. I didn't stop after realising a senior was just there cos' it really got on my nerves. We were waiting for results already and there were still punctuations of those comments. eurgh. I was just so drained and sick. (sorry mathias, if you are reading this.)

Never to take things for granted but again never put ourselves down without justification.

Fine, I am not wow myself, I live on with my not-so-fabulous voice and try to make sense of what has been bestowed to me. I will try to improve. (practising with steph soon, asap) I don't know. I feel like any moment, I am going to start banging on the keyboard and all the weird letters and signs will appear on the screen. I am moody, frustrated and estranged? I don't know. It's a whirl of suffocating emotions. This is IRONIC cos' I am supposed to write in caps immediately and tell the world about our syf performance.

GOLD WITH HONOURS. Selected to present at esplanade. :)

I was ecstastic. Everyone was. We screamed and cheered. When the announcement of the results hit you, it really was... woah... astonishing that these words can make such an impact and swift transformation in us.

dumbo man.. anti-climax. I want to cry. I almost did before syf. I really want to cry. MAKE ME CRY. goodness. It's hard keeping tear-ducts inactive. I couldn't cry at all when we sang nomanisanisland outside SCH. freak. Pei En surprisingly was very emotional today. bah. silly girl:) She even cried after the group hug. I guess.. the sopsies yr ones rock.. giving the bit of appreciation that everyone deserves. :) yay.

sushi buffet later... girl talk. well, I made a fool of myself. I did. My mind was messed up just now. I didn't know what the crap I was really talking about. argh. sickening. Anyway, I learnt a lot today. I don't know. haha. madness.

ahh.. watched tim's monologue. Cool, dude! haha. I am still in awe of his unrestrained shouting. cool. It's great to see all my classmates in gothic make-up and costumes. sorry, I missed your exams. I am sure you all will do so well that they are available for second showing! :)


I guess I shall sleep now to prevent incoherency to persist... and sometimes, I wonder whether I have anything in any sense to offer to vj choir. I have a lot of doubts that I want to raise and ask. Then again, some things are better left unsaid, aren't they? as in... it's more like personal development...? okay, wait a minute, I don't know what I am talking about. It's about me, my voice and vj choir. darn. haha, I am sounding way way off. I don't know... I think for SOV, I am going to write personal letters for the seniors cos' suddenly I feel like I have a lot of things to write. haha. okay, it's not funny.




VJ CHOIR... GOLD WITH HONOURS.:):):)

sweet dreams, world.













There's another thing. freak.

hmmm...

SYF is tomorrow.

One word to describe how I feel now: Scared.

Initially, I was excited. Aftwe some last miniute adjustments to Pamugun, it got me really nervous. I had trouble taking a proper nap just now. It made everyone feel worked up like hitting upon you that TMR is THE DAY.

okay, wait. the cheerful siying is back all thanks to Pei En.


we'll reap the fruits of four months of labour tml!!

don't want to be bothered with all those changes. In this case, it's smart to simply do our part as a vj chorister and not to fret too much.

Good luck to all my friends who had their tsd exams and will be having theirs soon! :) Remember u all have my MORAL SUPPORT. -hugs-

OUR NAMES ARE VJC CHOIR.

nomanisanisland. nomanstandsalone.




off to do PI.. must look through scores again later and remind ourselves.

VIGILANCE. CONSCIOUS EFFORT. RADIANT SMILES.

Two more days! The FINAL SPRINT. :)

okay, the smile is an optimistic one. Ugly, scary reveries of what might happened on stage on 4 th May will start to creep in now and then, but I shut them out dutifully. It's not the time to be overwhelmed with aghast and fear.

Self-evaluation.. Sunset is the song that I dread the most. After the sore throat, I totally can't control my soft singing. It's horrible and sometimes I make weird noises. It's horrible. sheesh. and seemingly, no substance... AIRY. Other than that, it's okay. I know I tend to under-pitch for the start of Lily, so have become more conscious.

Marie and I were DRAINED after being so hyper today. I am a good actress. -chants to myself- haha. I scared Pei En and Isabelle and Jeremy Chia. :) heh heh. I think Ben is a bit freaked out by the madness of the year ones.

What's my name?

VJC CHOIR

lalala. The visualisation of the real syf day was quite cool like how Christina talked about visualising her race at the National Cross-Country but it's difficult to imagine and anticipate that kind of anxiety until the day itself. hmmm... I have tons to things to catch up. One of these days, you;ll probably catch me in tears. I feel the stress brimming. It's the New Zealand trip. It's easy to say that I will push forward the revision for the mid-years but it's hard to commit and keep myself from all sorts of temptations. Less dinnering and more studying :) PUSH.


So gabriel just attempted to chase me offline. I still have PI to summarise. bah.



Everyone should listen to 'what a difference a day makes'. :)





It's a funny world. with funny people and funny words.
I miss you all the same.

SYF is in three days.

=X

I am ABUSED by my sister. She needs anger management.

She flung my bag, almost struck me with a chair, hit the speaker and modem over. She was using the computer in my room. I was studying econs. I told her to shut off the computer in a nice and kind tone for several times. I mean, what's the time now yeah... I need to sleep, can't she be more considerate? I need to concentrate on my studies. If she is doing work or project, it's understandable but she was chatting and she kept giving me that 'bu shuang' look. I didn't want to provoke her knowing her temper. I didn't pester her continuously, only from time to time, I asked her to stop.

Guess what? She turned to violence.

fcuk. I really feel like giving her a tight slap. I didn't cos' I know given her strength, I will probably be killed (EXAGGERATION but definitely, I will beaten flat) by her.

I called my parents who are in Msia, cried and complained to them. fcuk.

I just want a more tranquil night. was troubled enough...

Who knows what will happen to tmr's practice...

Now my room is in a mess all thanks to her. fcuk. I have to tidy up before I can sleep.



All these while, I have been elusive. I don't think I can hide forever. It's tiring.

I feel like talking to Joanna on the phone, ramble to her about stupid stuff... -sob-


Break away.

I fell asleep and forgot to blog.

Well, save my readers from a depressing entry.

Yesterday... was looking forward to cycling at ecp, in the end, turned out to be helping tenors clean the room. lol. The choir room is really spick-and-span now. We were talking about decorating the noticeboard in the choir room. It needs a revamp. :)

Choir practice was hmmm... We didn't really make any improvements, did we? It is kind of stagnant. Pamugun... Mr Kwei did it relatively slow yesterday. bah. He tested the year one and year two chorus separately. Both went flat. According to marcus, mr kwei said that the year one chorus has more musicality and phrasing, the year two chorus sounded more mechanical, but in terms of colour and blending, the year two chorus is still better. haha.

oh in the bus, sam, jamie and I were talking... and I was imagining sam's future.. haha. Pretty hilarious. kinda imaginable and in a way, not imaginable. geez. GOSH. I am mad and I started laughing to myself. haha.


unimaginable youu... youu.. youu...




Downtrodden. Complexity of throughts stampeding through.
She walks away. She tries.
In her mind, she has travelled hundred of miles,
Escaping.
She gazes at the Eyrie
far away
and at her feet again.
Wedging and pulling,
The soles adhesivingly resist.

A loud yelp. The Rain tumbling down,
and the sodden brown foam thickens
and awakens
the bird of paradise wailing,
its dank feathers limping, its eyes
transfixed
on her, covenant, she stares back
through quail and silver
distillate of the soul.

The bird flies away.

Her head raised to heavens,
drenched and frozen,
the dirt and grime bewitched
by her perfume of thin sorrow.


She pulls harder, this time round.

The mud clings.




I am a happy girl. :)