my oh my... I can't breathe.

I just thought of something for the love story. I am always fearful of lonesome, solitary rides home because I tend to think a lot and I will get headache, yet I love them because they make my brain active, take me out of my comfort zone into the imaginative realm. yes yes. I thought of something! I hope I can translate what I envision in my head into a beautiful story. I need a strong silent character. LOVE. I need a poem. A poem. A love poem. Rainer Rilke, Pablo Neruda, William Blake, Bronte... I need a poem.

(:

okay. This isn't going to be a bitchy entry, I promise.


My mind is plagued with recurring, haunting images of the largely parted amber red lips, the pink gums and the ugly bits of assorted metal protuding from the wide gap, glinting in the pale light of the approaching dusk... He looked like an ape that has gone out of control. He strode arrogantly towards me and without a slightest trace of empathy, belted out loudly of the latest episode of my vjc life. He plastered on a very... unglamourous (let's be honest here k.) grin and comforted me with the thinly spread of secret delight. Don't be sad, he said.

I tell you what I am sad about. I am sad that I have such an uncaring, self-centred, totally insensitive friend. If Lemuel is the NUMBER ONE MALE BITCH, then you are the second. I feel sad that I treat you as a good friend and that I spoke up for you whenever I could. -ARGH-


I was so traumautised that I have to ring my twin immediately. I must have looked stupid in front of the gungho mikaela and the year twos. Let's hope they didn't see the double streams of crystallised disgust.

okay, NEXT!


This morning... I don't know why things turned out like this. It's just pretty irritating. It's very silly, you know. REALLY.


You know what, I think I have changed. I guess last time, in situations like these, I will delve deep inside and try to find out more, thinking perhaps I am able to help. Now, I don't want to get involved. I am here to love music, love my friends and do my job.

I just want to give my friend a hug. -HUGS-

(reading Jeannette's "The Ultimate Guide: How to deal with JERKS" again. hahaha. It's a good book, I tell you. )

oh yesss. Live-ad! I like it! I like it! Even though, we were all kinda embarrassed at first but it was great, wasn't it? Singing for our fellow schoolmates... Isn't that what we are supposed to be fundamentally? A school choir and not some high and mighty coporation that cranes its neck, looking far ahead, seeking achievements and ignore the importance of your base, your home, your roots. We bear the name: Victoria Junior College Choir. No matter how great our achievements are, we cannot make ourselves exclusive, arrogant and out of reach. (-croons gabrielle's song-) YESS! After months of pw, I can preach to you about the problems of local arts scene and blah blah. Even the government takes the initiave to embark on a series of outreach programmes to tap the heartland audience, shouldn't we do the same too? YESS YESS. We shouldn't think that commercial means seem to betray our stand. By doing commercial productions, we actually( at least) ensure a group of loyal, informed concert-goers.. (adapted from Ho) and this will eventually help improve the sales of the more avant-garde productions! SEE! It's all linked together.

I love pw. (:

bah bah black sheep.


I am still harping over my Geography results. ): After the exam, I knew my hopes of an A are dashed and perhaps I could not even take 'S' paper... I am still feeling sore. It's not that I don't know how to do, never study, stupid... It's like you know you can do it and yet you fail to do it. I seriously don't know what went to my brain that made me think that 20 mins X 5 = 60 min, spending 20 mins each on the DRQs. The thing is I didn't do part (b) of the physical geog essay and part (b) of a DRQ qns. Those constitute 22 marks. Fortunately, I got full marks or very close to full marks... 10/10, 9.5/10, 8/9 for the questions I attempted. DARN. During the exam, I was still so ya-ya, thought that I had more than enough time, so I wrote pretty slowly. -SIGH- I tried my best not to think about it after the exam but now when I got the results back, I still feel so frustrated!!! Moreover, so many people' results got pulled up by physical geog marks... It made the "IF ONLY" even more resounding in my head.

I know I seem very loserish but I can't help it. I want to CRY.

well, on a happier note, I didn't do too badly for literature this time. Pleasant surprise. I thought my Ted Hughes essay is crap. When I wrote it, it was only a half-hearted attempt. It turned out to be a B. -WOOTS- Leonard Ng gave a lot of As this time round. Chaucer... my personal fave... I was kinda freaked out when I found out Mr Ng Kah Gay marked our essays because he is very strict. phew. He gave me 34/50 and wrote a funny commentary "wow... impressive textual knowledge and flexibility of thought- however, your overemphasis on textual details can be redressed by an equal emphasis on planning your approach to the essay as structuring your flow of thoughts. No "A" because it needs better organisation, but i have appreciated your piece by spending much time on commenting... do read them." I am secretly hoping for an A but I guess I should be very happy that I have improved. got a B for promo! So that marks literature the ONLY subject which reached my target. I haven't teared for nothing.

Economics... It's like I can almost savour the taste of an A... -smack lips- so close and yet so far... Yet, I am still glad i have improved by a grade. In fact I improved for all subjects except for geography.(-scowls-) [insert: oh no, and GP too! -scowl again-] Then, my dear old Maths... initially I was a little bit disappointed because I have made too many careless mistakes. well, at least I improved, at least my efforts didn't go to waste. I really did my Maths work and practised for the promos. Mr Koh said, "Si Ying, you have improved, but it's not good enough. I know you are more inclined to ur humanities. Your humanities are more solid. You might take a longer time than others to do well in Maths. I like your attitude. I hope you won't drop Maths. Don't give up." Do you know it's very heart-warming to hear such encouragement from a teacher? I told a few close friends that I dreamt about Mr Koh just the other night. (HAHA) I apologised for the lousy grade and he just ignored me. I apologised again for our class performance. I am quite sure he is very disappointed and he just ignored me. Then I started crying and saying sorry over and over again. THAT was my dream. heh.

I really think we are very fortunate to get such a teacher like Mr Koh. He teaches well. He motivates us. BUT he's leaving. I guess he's the only Maths teacher in my entire life so far that I am 'scared of' and able to make me willling to try to like Maths and practise. HE'S LEAVING! I think the whole of 05A55 is pretty upset. He's a teacher who will go all the way to help the students, like example, how he offers to appeal for junyi and cheryl. He recognises the students' effort and aptitude, LIKE EXCUSE ME, no other subject tutors even did that la.

oh sheesh. tears in my eyes.

yes and he did a super sweet thing today for one of our classmates but it can't be disclosed yet. It's still very, very sweet though. -ARGH- I thought the expression Sherene gave was quite hilarious. hahaha. it's stuck in my head.

Now, I don't know what S papers to apply for or whether I should apply for one in the first place. It's all very confusing right now. hmmmm! Suddenly, it's the time to start questioning my priorities, my dreams and my future again.

I am gonna call Jien and WHINE to her. (:

You have no idea how delighted I was, skipping a whole day of lessons and having fun with Project Work in the library's computer room. Mind you, I have never skipped lessons for no apparent unreasonable reasons. (according to Junyi and I gladly think he should be right :)) VJ 164 went through a torturous, hair-pulling, almost-stepping-on-one-another's-tail period before we finally, FINALLY delivered our written report in one, impeccable, wholesome piece. I hope we won't be disappointed this time round. Just a few days ago, we thought we had finished our WR, extolling secretly that it was pretty good. Mr Chua had to come and burst our bubbles of the MOST WANTED WISH of the year 2005. yes, sad.

Funny 16PF nonsense. You know, I really hope our dear principal doesn't try so hard to make US into carbon copies of each other. She went rattling on about how more of this is DESIRABLE, and that is not DESIRABLE. I begin to suspect the reason why she ALLOWS the school to pay so much for the personality tests is because she wants to mould us into HER IDEAL KIND of person. like excuse me, we don't live by her standards. ok, maybe I am biased, over-reactive but I mean I have taken so many personality tests conducted by professionals and none of them had ever given such aaaa umm... subjective evaluation? (I am putting it in a very nice and sweet way.) Undeniably, I understand we should always try to change for the better and not be blinded by the obstinate views of 'THIS IS ME. ME. ME. REAL ME. I'M NOT GOING CHANGE." as the world doesn't simply revolve around just one person. I guess I see what she is trying to push for. I just don't agree with her ermm... underlying secret desire that is at times revealed unconsciously... AH. I guess she can't help it.okay, now I think I sympathesize with her. It is tough being a principal, handling with one thousand over, raging, rebellious, adolescent minds... Yes, that's it. I am weak. I defeat my own arguments.

I haven''t been here to blog about the farewell assembly and open house. I felt virtually nothing for the class seniors for a split second. Then the next moment, I was envious of my tsd classmates, how they in some way or another through the crewing, GMs, 'bitching', bridging, have formed a sort of bond with the A55 seniors. bah dum dum. The last solo act deserved the standing ovation. Such sincere, down-to-earth and simply hilarious conversation...(not a performance cos' that word encompasses this tinge of pretence and fakeness.) I miss my choir seniors, sometimes I hope they will just magically appear during choir pracs... the shadow of Jiayun making us sing in pairs, her strict teaching, occasional exasperated looks kinda lingers on till now... It is eerily joyful in a sense. HAHA. I remember how the year ones used to be under such huge pressure that we constantly organised extra practices to improve our singing. yes, that was... our determination. Now, I think determination the little fellow just got a bit complacent and lazy and forgot all about his focus before... I am quite sure, he has already been given a poke in his ribs coupled with a shrilling wake-up call and is now all ready to perk up again. ((: yesss.


I am sleepy...

I am going to devote myself to Project work today. (:

I should have photocopied the WR and asked the others to edit and trim the WR too. My group is in trouble. I dread the arrival of Thursday!

I finished watching Full House this morning! hahaha. 5 plus am. I was uhh... constantly tear-streaked and my heart seemed to be wrenched throughout. Even though towards the end, the plot is a teeny bit nonsensical, it's still quite sweet. Actually, i think it's the VCDs. They don't go according to each original episode, so the part they usually end with, it's like in the middle of nowhere, lacks the suspense element. bah. There was this bit which I really like... (don't READ ON, Serene until u see the next bold line! I have to write. I can't control!) when Young-jae finally let go of Zhi-en...he doesn't want her to suffer because of him, when he bears to give up his superstar status for her and disappear from her life... He sits by the bed in the darkness as his memories are slowly being dredged up before him... first meeting with her at the plane, how he rejoiced secretly when she got all uptight about his injuries and finally to this one critical scene... when Zhi-en once confessed, "Young-jae, you can go ahead and watch over Miss Huiyuan but I will be right here waiting for you, watching over you." Her gaze was so resolute. dauntless and the tears that have risen from the depths of her heart, was on the brink of total catharsis... When Young-jae recalled that, he was swept by a stronger pang of pathos... He sobs uncontrollably...in the darkness, that can no longer be illuminated without his beloved by his side...




(Serene, you can read again!)
I am going the whole series again someday in the hols, when I clear my PW stuff and so on and THIS TIME, serene chow, you better come k. ((:





Fairytales are always nice and heartwarming and yes, who can forget, saccharine-sweet. They aren't called fairytales for nothing.




oh yes!

BACK TO PW!

どうして．．．私はそんなに馬鹿ですか？








그럴리 없다고 아닐꺼라고 믿었죠 um-
내가 그댈 사랑한단 이말도 안되죠 um-
괜한 질투일꺼라고 내가 외로운가보다고
자신을 속여봤지만 이제 더는 난 감출수가 없는걸요-
I Think I Love You 그런가봐요-
Cause I Miss You 그대만 없으면
난 아무것도 못하고 자꾸생각나고
이런걸 보면 아무래도-
I`m Falling For You 난 몰랐지만-
Now I Need You 어느샌가 내 맘 은곳에 아주
크게 자리잡은 그대의 모습을 이젠 보아요~ um-




(: off to sleep. I didn't practise my pieces, going to get a scolding tmr. oops.

wasn't feeling exactly good today...

post-exam blues


Something bad happened. It's so scary. They were such a lovely couple when we first moved over here. A perfect match. The husband and wife are good looking and capable. Then came the baby. The wife's health deteriorated.. lost the zest in her. Last night, they fought, according to the father-in-law. because... the husband had an affair. The wife now suffering from mild depression. The poor little girl.

-shudders-


Impermanence of life.




wasn't feeling very good today. hmmm.. There is choir outing tmr. As much as I want to go, I feel very anti-social at the same time. Maybe I will join them later. (: I miss choir.

was skimming through my old blog. How I wish I can write Japanese again! I can't now. The words just don't flow. I think I will have difficulties forming a full sentence. oops. shall go read my birthday book. whee.

Exams are over after a full-fledged marathon of piles and piles of notes, chicken essence, little escapades to search for Full-House related stuff, staying up till the wee hours to cram all the geogish examples and stats into my head...

THEY ARE FINALLY OVER.

I don't really feel happy. No sense of exhilaration or relief. I always had that kind of feeling in dhs. It's weird. Another weirder thing is no hanging out in town, or chilling out with friends... I guess I have to become more accustomed to jc life. I embarked on a bus journey home. Fresh, lilting experience. I like taking buses under such circumstances. I'll just keep thinking and dreaming. I did. Words flowed in inexorable streams and there is nothing more precious than that... They are gems of your human psyche. I thought about literature, how I begin to identify more and more with the character in the PC Prose... Self-victimisation and countless excuses... I wonder whether anyone can be freed from self-delusion totally. I think it's hard to survive when you have a clear mind all the time. ah! Imagine having a (-gags-) penetrating and easily penetratable mind... well, that will never happen to me.

It must be the LACK of bus rides recently and the blast I was having in my head that made me miss my bus-stop.


yes, I then TOOK THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED. I walked home from that bus-stop... probably around six to seven bus-stops away from my home, perhaps further, I am not sure. I enjoyed it even though I was wavering on the thin line between contrived energy and physical breakdown. (after the very limited sleep I had) I thought my head is just going to burst with the invasions. They "spill inland". THAT was EXHILARATING. The constant recharging and emergence of words and ideas and thoughts and perceptions as I took in the length and breath of the chic little Hougang is pretty mystical... IS LIKE WOW, I do have other things to think about, to ponder about(meanwhile starting to reek of hot perspiration), beside school-related stuff. I feel more complete as a human being.


oh, I actually thought about the content of my entry today... what I wanted to share during my journey home... ahh. I changed my mind.

My A55 seniors will probably never know how their blogs make me want to laugh and cry all at the same time. (darn, we hardly even talk. But I like to give a smile and wave, a super enthusiastic one if the spirit allows.) yes, anyway, I don't know whether it's the arts fac thing (i don't THINK so) or it's just personalities. The mirroring effect, yeah. Sometimes, I really think I am alone in this world, with my big idealistic dreams, randomness and all sorts of disjointed, fragmented purposes... Reading their entries was like -NODS HEAD FURIOUSLY- and yess, a few times, I chortled. I found Crystal's entry about how she "watched korean drama serial with geog notes in her hands, feeling very stressed and sad" hauntingly familiar. heh. and... the OBSSESSION with Full House! Every person in the right mind will love that show. (: hmmm... I guess I am just bewildered about how sharp and intact their observation skills are (sounds very sciencey)... how they keep themselves alive and happy outside school.








"parfite blissee"



Maybe I am just another Orsino or Januarie.













How I wish I have the vcds with me now.