It is at this time of the day when I feel really messed up. Sometimes, I am really very good at covering up or rather, I postpone my emotions. I don't see the urge to cry if people do not cherish you anymore, neither do I feel the tears brimming in my eyes when we sang no man is an island in the grand finals hall. It is really confusing, trust me.

Everything purrs perfect when we set off for Italy. I like to mouth the word perfect silently to myself because it sounds so idyllic and unblemished-(Often, you hope everything will stay the same as ever.) I almost forgot this but now I remember, at the moment when you thought everything was a bit bleak and gray. I remember the adrenaline pulsating through my veins when I waved goodbye to someone, in pure bliss, just before I departed. (: okay, that is very silly of me. I am beginning to sidetrack. (:

So that is it. It takes one tiny little shred of memory to eradicate the gloom. That re-established and REMINDED ME how euphoric I felt. I was like whispering to rayner about the cause of my slight bimbotic highness during departure. It also re-emphasized how things are never going to be the same anymore. I see things in a different perspective now. Different.

We won the Grand Prize. It seemed like a dream and like what Rach Tan said. We had to keep replaying THAT MOMENT, so that we can really believe, YES, we won the grand prize.It wasn't that that made me tear, though. Not the careful, deliberate voice, dripped with thick Italian accent that has announced "Victoria Junior College Choir"... It was the standing ovation. The whole hall stood and applauded for us. I couldn't believe the sight. The good ol' Europeans with much more beautiful and technically sound voices applauded and cheered for US, for Victoria Junior College Choir that has hailed from the tiny island thousands of miles away, from that tiny yellow-and-maroon school that somehow did not seem to appreciate its music as much. I had that image fixated in my mind... the fan-shaped hall... the light is on us... Mr Kwei bowing incessantly... The jury nodding their heads off in approval... That was the Grand Prize.

I take that away with me.

It much surprised me now how I ever ended up in vjc choir, how I ever become a part of this world-class choir. I am now, I am. (soon, the past tense will take over, but it doesn't matter. I am now, I am. )

I read three blogs. Three accounts of the trip. One was confounding, deceiving... somehow, covered up... The second one was hurtful. and then Chiewshan's triggered off my tears. It was so from-the-bottom-of-her-heart.

The carousel-like cycle of Marie's phone alarm ringing, (we always had fun choosing our fave alarm tone for that day) me always insisting on a morning shower while Marie washed up... our room gracefully messy-(the grace emanates from the yearn to look our best for vjc choir)... me shouting at poor shixuan who always lingers around to wait for Marie... humming and cu-ei-ing Mr Kwek's warms-up... sheepish smiles and greetings when we see Mr Kwei during breakfast... the frantic shopping(we always seem not to have enough time for that)... the stone pavements we once stepped on in Venice Island, in Verona, in Riva del Garda, in Bergamo, in Milan (we once stepped on)...we all love the soapvillage lady... we sing our bimbo version of sik sik outside the lingerie shop... and we have an interview regarding WHY-IS THERE-AN-EMERGING-TREND-OF-GUYS-BUYING-UNDERWEAR-FOR-GIRLFRIENDS... of how we share the GIGANTIC PIZZAS and slurped the creamy soft Gelato(be it day or night... gelato is a perpetual watermark of our merriness and carefree countenances)...of how we keep taking pictures, enjoying alfresco dining, taking in whiffs of second-hand smoke and imagining living a year less after nine days in Italy... we try very hard to pronounce the italian words-grazie and ciao even though we know we suck at it... we huddle together... and plough through the damp pavements with such youthful exuberance... we scream at the filthy water splashed at us... then dinner is always hasty... with desert left unfinished and zooom-we leave for our next performance... we have those little heart-to-heart conversations or nonsensical, foolish teasing... then we grimace about our exhaustion and we plop onto the beds ...(how cold and chilling, you think, as you pull the blanket tighter and higher but you fall asleep unknowingly, snug and warm, accompanied with a contented and blithe smile lingering on the dry and chapped lips of yours-

A beautiful cycle.

It could go on like that-the most stupendous and welcoming Routine, but it did not and would not. A little off-track minor crash of chords. The cycle swevred to a twisted, rough path we are all made to tread on. One mistake could not define or condemn a person. I have faith and still believe but there are some things that will never be the same. It is not the mistake. Not that that made me ponder and ponder and ponder on the flight home. It is the aftermath and then I realise I actually do care. My postponed emotions. as so I have said.

How ironically true, it is now.

I realise I haven't been blogging as regularly as I was. I don't even go online anymore. (: What I basically did for this week: Reach home, shower, have my dinner, lounge for 15-30 min, read 'Beloved and fall asleep... GREAT LIFE. I am preparing myself for the trip and partly because my voice hasn't really recovered yet. It's funny like how today I went to DHSCHOIR CONCERT instead of MUSICFEST and I got more stuff straightened out. I guess it is a good choice. I wanted to hear how my juniors sound like very badly. According to the substitute conductor, the choir is still quite young. I think they are still not aware of the nitty-gritty details about choral singing. It was a tremendous improvement from what I had heard last december though and I am glad to see how the year 4s are bonding well. (Happy Birthday, Vicki and Kangqi!) Oh, I met yongyi at vjc too...and I finally collected my o lvl cert! That's a lot of things, you know. Huping and Pei en are such great entertainers. (: I love talking to them. HEHEHE.

I think the A1F9 was quite an innovative attempt; there must always be someone/some people who dare to be different and step up. Ryan and I seriously thought there could be so much more organisation and coordination though. I mean, i had fun slotting sheets into the subjectif magazines and going around the school with Ryan to settle stuff... but a lot of it was kinda like aimless... especially when we weren't given clear instructions. That was the second time I went for a subjectif meeting. I-I-I guess... I don't know. Some people were really quite nice and amiable but a few, (perhaps I am being sensitive?) have that oooh-why-are-you-here-i'm-shocked-oh-alright-but-are-u-sure-you-should-be-here-TENTATIVE SMILE&hesitantresponse to whatever you will saying in a friendly and polite tone. It was kinda unnerving that they were emitting this WEIRD arrogant and exclusive stench even though I kind of know them. (better than the rest, I think.) I don't think they mean it. (I HOPE NOT.) It is just the body language and the lag in the reply... I mean, literature students, INFER, INFER! They suggest a slightly more inclined unwillingness to accept you. well, it is a-unknowing-thing, perhaps. Sometimes, it could be quite astonishing how people actually perceive you. Ryan told me that initially he and sherene thought I was kinda STRANGE. That is indeed a very peculiar word. He said he thought I was kinda of a loner at that time(LOL) and I seem to be, to him with the tsd clique yet, I am kinda different. I think that was probably because he didn't know the ''before'' story. ah, doesn't matter... no point raking up the past. I think, probably I have to clarify... to APPEASE MYSELF... Maybe, now to think about it, I was feeling kind of sandwiched in the middle at that time and maybe, yes, a little lost because I could no longer be the only non-tSD person in the class. We would like no longer meet during common breaks like we used to. It took me a little while to get used to that. It was quite complicated.... i guess? I still am very close to serene. She is the link to my tsd friends. I appreciate them a lot it is just a bit sad and regretful that we don't spend enough time(diff breaks and dismissal times) to a certain extent that I don't know them very very well, but it is not that bad, i think... Anyway, I have digressed. My point is ahhh... you will be surprised how people could perceive you. hahaha

I was able to stay in geography s. It came as a shock to me because I did really badly for geography. My mind was blank then and I had to ask Ms Tham whether the teachers really didn't make a mistake. You know, I am really flattered and elated that the teachers think that I have the calibre but it is really pressuring to have people telling you that you have the potential, and you will be like when can I finally MAXIMISE my POTENTIAL... I am really thankful though. I should have more faith in myself. (: I have dropped Econs S. (unofficially) to focus on my five subjects. (:

Deindustrialistion.Rationalistion.Reindustrialisation! It kinda applies even though when Josef Tan first shared that with me, I thought he was hinting to me to drop Geog S.(I was very upset by that at first but I guess he was just making a general comment because he reiterated that to the rest of the geog people during lecture later.)

I have an interview later and I am really having second thoughts. Hmmm.