Yesterday was a surprise.

I thought it would be just another tiring day of singing and performances. Marcus kept saying, "It is the year twos' last performance". I wasn't feeling particularly emotional, just enjoying the 'present' moments with my friends. The moment I stepped onto the stage though, in my slightly crumpled white gown, with my friends, "It is the last performance in our choir costumes" echoed in my mind. I really, really love singing with vjc choir. Sit down, You're Rocking the Boat was fabulous. It was a song that stayed since last year when we were year ones to now. I enjoyed myself-it was FUN, FUN, FUN! (: After this, we would not get any chance to mix choreography with singing and entertainment even if we proceeded on further to other more mature choirs. That and only that could be done at the peak of our youth. :D I love performing! I will miss dominating the stage with the choir and the audience- your applause, your cheers. Thank you. (:


While waiting for the SCO concert to start, after yr 2 sopsies therapeutic talk (HAHAHA.), the whole choir gathered in a circle with the year zeros as our guests of honour, we sang "The Shower", "Äd Dominum", "Zhu Li Guan", "Rock around the Clock", "Pamugun" and "No Man is an Island". Steph was so cute and caring. She thought I was going to cry after "The shower" and kept turning back to comfort me. I love u, steph. Dancing and singing "rock around the clock" was exhilarating. Hearty laughter, giggles, smiles... I remember my steps by the way. (:


I did not tear after "No man is an island". I don't know why. Eveyone else was weeping but when I hugged sam, I cried. I will miss working and gossiping with you, sam! You are one of my first and good friends I made in choir. We stayed on and hogged the rehearsal room for ourselves. (poor security guard) It was like a secret rendevous with seventy plus people. A thrilling and unforgettable underground party. hee.



To my peers:

The love for the forty of you all (including Olivia and EDWIN) goes beyond words. Sops especially and jiejun and sam and darren and jon chuah and rayner and nicholas and irvin... ALL OF YOU lah. :D




It is so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

To my juniors:

The seniors have never doubted your abilities. You are a very talented batch. Sometimes, our words could be harsh and hurting but we want the best for you people. We all hope youwould keep pushing yourself and scale greater heights. Aptitude can only take you so far but if combined with great attitude, there is no limit to your potential. :D I am very proud of how some of you have changed and become more committed and consistent. :) Do whatever you can, you want... Christmas concert, musical... yeah, go for it. Cherish one another because one and a half years would pass very quickly and soon, you will be stepping down.

He Li said, "I think we are more sad than you all." I would like to say, we feel your sincerity, He Li. Perhaps some of us do not show it, but we do appreciate the juniors. Finally, thank you for the beautiful night, for accommodating the emotional year 2s, for being such lovely juniors and understanding our dilemmas especially at this time of the year.


Now that we have left, the stage is yours :D

We scoffed at immaturity today. ok, it is not I am super mature and sensible. hee. Yet, that was plain silly. I think anybody would have laughed in disbelief. Even Peishan felt embarrassed for her ex-school juniors and she is totally not that kind who will make quick and irrational judgments about people. It was INCREDULOUS. hm.


Something we talked about today really triggered off a chain of questions. Peishan was telling us how taking medicine helps to curb her friend's depression.[I have heard it many times before but it struck a different chord today.] It is a happy occasion nonetheless. hm, I was just thinking about the fallibility of humans. We often think we are superior, possess unsurpassable mental faculties than the animals, we can be logical, we have emotions, we have feelings... all these beautifully intrinsic sentiments that none of the other species have... BUT, we are afterall flesh and blood that is much manipulated by our body chemicals and reactions and whatnot. It is like a sudden revelation that we are fragile. We are not that superior, everything is prescribed. Let say, we elevate the image of LOVE... The most moving love poems in the world-they are merely an idealistic concoction that has derived from some kind of body chemicals in your body and will soon or later, fizzle out. You can claim 'I have fallen in LOVE', but that is only the chemistry that has a limit cap over it which will stop producing the sort of "lovey-dovey feeling" after a few years. "...men and women are biologically predisposed to be in love for no more than 30 months." (Dr Gil Anaf is a psychoanalyst and psychiatrist in Adelaide) It is infatuation that is spread over a few years. how sad. How do people get married then and "live happily ever after"? I think the people who are only worthy to be considered are the old ah mahs and ah peis in their seventies and eighties who have walked like more of half their lifetimes together... They probably wouldn't blatantly exclaim it is love. After a while, it is love out of habit. That really isn't quite a bad thing. It is like one's insistence on drinking black coffee with toasted kaya bread every morning for breakfast. However, you will never know, or you never want to know that perhaps, perhaps, that is a bad habit that should be stopped.


I sound cynical?



It is just frightening to me how we are at the mercy of our subconsciousness.







I totally love the erhu solo tonight. I was quite moved. heh. had tears in my eyes. Maestro is fabulous conductor. ((:

okay. You know the sort of thing when people(u think will TRUST U) DOUBT you and question your committment when I have already reflected to the erm, rightful authorities or bodies.


I probably won't be coming to school today if there was no choir practice because teacher did not come and we ended up with a lot of breaks. aiya, whatever. WHY AM I TRYING TO EXPLAIN. I have made my point.



I am quite happy to see all yr two sops today. HAHAHA. :D

Mrs Low wants to see me!!! yayness. I wonder what she has to say about my wonderful results and me clinging onto S paper. HAHAHA. :D


well, congrats, CHORALE! wheeho(: Jiayun's sms from Xiamen! OLYMPIC CHAMPION! :D

So! It's close to 5 am.. I actually plan to sleep at 3 am but you know I want the font on my blog to be presentable so I keep changing and changing. The image of Pei En doing an impersonation of Jonathan Leong with adoration and infatuation is perpetually stuck in my mind now.

And just like the ocean under the moon
Well that's the same emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin that can be so smooth
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

She is so cute, that I can't stand it. HAHAHA. I love doing silly things with my girls. I kinda like SCO in a uncanny sort of way. It reminds me that i love music, that I love to sing. Chinese orchestral music is cool. Singing with friends makes everything brighter and more worthwhile. I have to confess to something, remember the pretty files? I don't think I can give them by sco performance day. Nopie slipshoddy gifties from siying.




I am never tired of chasing rainbows. The plethora of colours and the dimension of the unknown; untested. It is this ever-vigilance, self-resilience, fall-clenchfists-bouncesup-with-a-smile that scares me. I allow no taint nor tear. I am a proud woman and I hate myself for it sometimes.

I want the whole day to myself tomorrow and saturday. Just me and my lovely geography notes and mathematics tutorials. (: I want to bake the yummy lemon butter cookies (better than crabtree and evelyn's ones!) and give them to my friends and the seniors who are flying off to xiamen and competing in choir olympics. There are intensive pracs/rehearsals though. It is until ten plus pm! Five hours. -groans-


oh and I am sick of my blogskin. I need something brighter and more sanguine... something that depicts my state of my mind now and will put a smile on my face! :D I have been feeling a little, little diffident and worn out the past few days. Highly-strung. It's all over! I am buzzing with energy now! (heh, what a phrase!) I really hope practices will come to an end soon. I am not complaining anymore. HOPING. ((: It is more positive and optimistic yeah. okay lah, it's rather idealistic and delusive but WE NEED IT to move on with life sometimes. (as what marie said)


I like today. what a difference a day makes. some time spent together with my girlfriends-serene and jien! happy birthday, chicken! ((: You are eighteen and yes, you are the luckiest girl in the world. :p I like hooking arms with these favourite people and laughing at one another's stupidity or nonsense or just having plain simple girlish fun.



I am craving for some real brainwork. goodnight, world and these are beautiful lyrics.





"I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call,
and the only heart I own…
For you, and you alone, that's all, that's all.

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold, when leaves begin to fall,
And a love who's burning light, will warm the winter night,
That's all, that's all.

There are those, I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world, for a toy,
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love that time can never destroy.


If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear,
You'd be glad to know that my demands are small,
Say it's me that you adore,
For now, and evermore,
That's all, that's all."

It could be the moon tonight... I haven't looked at the sky yet but it must be. turning up the knob of insanity. I feel ridiculously happy today.


Jïen: "So why are you so happy today?"


I am not good at hiding emotions and I like honesty. It feels good to be just able to speak from your heart- not "speak your mind"-but from your heart. There is a huge difference. I enjoy these little moments of euphoria. yep. (: TSD public performance rocked. great job, serene dear! hmm. I will say, it is nice to see my class seniors around, people whom I don't really know but admire because of their down-to-earth yet over-the-top personalities. Chrystal called my name and I was like this little secret fan, gretting and waving enthusiastically to she, cho and brandon. ANYWAY, khairul asked in wry sort of tone, "SO how many awards did you all bag this year?" haha.


I am not an expert or whatsoever but I think after watching those great pieces created by your peers always seem so surreal... like you catch glimpses-more than glimpses, surely into their lives, their interpretations of other lives(haunting, relentless echoes) and you stop and ponder about your own.


"Are you alive? Alive? Are you?"

There were times like this when I really feel like walking out onto the street and being knocked down by the car... I hate feeling feeling weak and crying and heaving uncontrollably for breath. oh and I felt super useless like a big, big failure... and I hate it when I have these lines of weakness...(you know joints will enlarge and everything will disntergrate) My mom won't listen to my explanation. That is the saddest thing. Does she think I am really that uncaring and irresponsible... if not for berdine, I would have slept through the morning... I jolted awake cos' of berdine and I woke my mom and especially my bro up... cos if my bro overslept and missed school... poor berdine will be distraught at the eleventh hour. My mom always puts all the blame to me and then she will start linking irrelevant things and berate me together?! Just listen to me, won't she? I can accept her viewpoint but she goes like a machine gun. I feel very bad already... My whole heart just sank after berdine's mom smsed me. She must be furious and I felt very guilty of making her and berdine angry. I felt like suffocating myself with the blanket cos it is so hard to keep crying and heaving... but it's dumb cos it is not me TO GIVE UP SO EASILY... I remember the countless things I am still bounded to... I haven't passed the cd of admin matters and personal letter to jerrold... he needs all those details and admin stuff if not he will be lost... there won't be a backup source of guidance... I haven't given peishan tuition money... millions things to do. responsibilities.


throat is scratchy. onslaught of a migraine.

Everything seems so placid. Slow. Not moving. Time at a standstill. Oh, how I wish it is possible! To lie by the lake and gaze at the velvet sky speckled all over with shimmering little stars... with a nice warm cup of hot chocolate and my favourite Disney quilt...


OH, SHUT IT.

Hello, welcome to the real world. -BIG TOOTHY GRIN-

Seriously, there is something wrong with me. UH HUH. There is this huge bubbling broth of wicked, wicked poison that is like desperate to explode and overwhelm me and drown the innocent ones around me. I wish I have enough guts to write the F-word but NO, you see, I have my principles. I DO NOT SUCCUMB. Do not. Do not. Shucks. I hear the little devil in my head.


I want to give a black face but do you know I hate to do so? It is so sickening to be black-faced and I rather smile and throw my head and laugh prettily than be angry. (I rather make people smile-serene said I make her smile... oh sweetie! Heehee. She will be rolling her eyes at this instant. ) It takes so much to be angry at nothing but yourself for being so asinine. Plain dumb. I try not to. So I am in that difficult position of repressing and moving on and yet not? HAHAHA. I am amused by myself. I know exactly the ways to think in a more Ah-Q manner but well as Harris has said, HUMANS ARE WEIRD, we always revert back to the same point. Same old irritating stain. You know you hate it but you won't remove it.


They should let yr twos take part in OCIP this year. I missed out last year because there was the Christmas concert and it just did not seem right for like an exco member to be missing in action when you know beforehand, the DATE of the concert and blah. The kids are so adorable. That is the least I can do. Do stupid things and make people laugh? I wish I can forget about a levels and immerse myself in some run-down backstage, getting flustered while fixing some props and smearing paint all over my wrinkled hand yet all this are done with a stronger sense of purpose? Or in a village, carving letters and numbers onto the blackboard, sneezing incessantly because of the white chalk...despite of that, smiling radiantly at the clusters of dwarves of aspirations and dreams staring back at you with the same curiosity, intensity and ferocity of life?

I can't study with just OH-I-AM-APPLYING-TO-UK-UNIVERSITIES and OH-I-HAVE-A-STUDY-SCHEDULE and neither do I like studying business as in general, general business... because it reminds me of vicious people who are willing to backstab one another and well, be a fabulous liar and make lots of profits at the expense of others' misery... That is business. In the real world. (my opinion-I am confused lah) I like arts/ hospitality and tourism management. (: It is tough to find really good schools that are easily accessible. -SIGH-you know, that is not the main point of my entry tonight.


RE-FOCUS.







Alright and will you please STOP running around in my head.

I couldn't find this abstract entry I have written. It is probably at diary-x which has already been axed. Quite a pity, but i guess we are always making memories. Learn to let go. (painlessly). I couldn't much express myself now. I watched world cup while studying. Armed with the notes and tutorials and whatnot, and the glaring tv right before me... My best friend sipping her dinosaur milo and I bothering her to solve my maths questions... World-up watching was so much more enticing and interesting during the holidays. It was like a eye-candy treat plus emotional drive after the whole day of learning. I don't think I will enjoy world cup as much now. My favourite teams have been eliminated-Spain and Brazil. Not pretty. I was so sorry I fell asleep this morning and left berdine dear alone crying after the Brazil match...





I stare at the screen before me blankly. Why have you diffused every corner and nook of my mind? I never want to get too close. I never even come close to. Pulling the brakes is the natural, instictive thing to do yet, the engine is roaring rebelliously. (How could it stop? How will it stop?) The dull red tracks of metals cut the tyres of black rubber, leaving behind wounds-each a pitless depth of swirling confusion, as they overcome the forces of friction. The deliberate halting of emotions. The knowing of the unknown. The train is going to crash, anyway.