duino elegies

Thursday, November 30, 2006 @11/30/2006 03:28:00 AM

I know this is really random but I am having this emotional rojak now.(coined by marie)

While having this midnight(beyond midnight) msn conversation with marie, I suddenly realise oh, there is FAREWELL! It slipped my mind. We were talking about something else but somehow it led to us talking about our batch. I always have these images of us painting chrismas concert banner together on the pt second floor and getting scolded together by the auntie...(haha) getting scolded together by marcus... our yr two meals and sharing time.MINGLEMINGLEMINGLE(remember?) fixated in my mind. (: I feel sad and sorry. I wish they don't have to go through so much confusion. I don't want to say goodbye too. Yet, I feel blessed to have these friends with me. I can't imagine surviving farewell... as in can only imagine me in TEARS. I have so much to say, but I think once I open my mouth, I will lose the emotional stability. haha.

"i tink our batch every1 sort of motivated each other in their own way"

(direct quote)
-Marie 30/22/06

sprinkle!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 @11/29/2006 10:55:00 PM

I feel like zillion times better today.

1. My mom is super nice to me today. I think telling her how I felt about my dad's sudden coldness was good. I was like keeping to myself about it for like two days. I am glad my mom is more objective and listen to my side of story.

2. I am so happy too that my mom has shopping queens for friends who know the length and breadth of town at the back of their hand and have good taste. I bought my dress. I actually like the other dress better! My mom and her friend like it on me at first... but in the end, they prefer the other dress more. The salesgirl(more of the store manager actually) gave her opinions. She said black is too common and it looks too waitressy and way too low cut-very troublesome(but it is pretty!) The dress I bought is not bad but it is not my personal favourite but I really couldn't care less anymore. hahaha. It is like I-WANNA-GET-IT-OVER-and-DONE-WITH. yessss!

3. MY DAD ACKNOWLEDGED MY GREETING! finally. omg. He has never been like that, I tell you. NEVER. I think my mom must have talked to him, "scolded" him again. I feel so relieved.

4. I have heard Punggol Primary school choir just now at this Joyeous concert together with performances put up by a few of Mr Kuek's voice students-Danny, Evelyn Ang, Chuan en and Shihua. I put their names as if I know all of them... Hahaha. Danny is my junior lah. I have heard the girls at mr kuek's house though. They are so good. I love Evelyn Ang's voice and her whole presentation. She looks so cute and her expressions were convincing especially when she sang her solo sad song... I was touched! okay she is really good. I want to go back to voice too... hahaha. So many vjc choir people are under mr kuek now! It's funny but it is great feeling. I heard Marcus who just joined has really impressed Mr Kuek. :D

5. Seeing how the year ones have all come together to support Danny, I think... I am quite moved. hahaha. They are very united-so many of them were there! I am serious and hello, hougang is a FARAWAY PLACE for many of the easterners! It is wonderful that the concert has brought them closer! :D See, doing a christmas concert is hard work but it is worth it! -smile proudly- I can't wait for Les Mis, juniors!!! ((:

6. MY MOMO IS BACK and the other MOMO's exam has finished! hahaha. welcome back to earth, dears.

7. I can't wait for a magical night on friday which will be spent with my favourite people and 'family'! ((:

sprinkle!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 @11/28/2006 11:39:00 PM

I am physically and emotionally drained. This is hundred times more tiring than having exams, I am serious. The cold war with my dad and the dress-hunting! (I have blisters on my feet... ouch) I don't know what is wrong with my dad man. I tried to break the ice and he still gave me the "black face"... I tried to put it all behind me and be nice but what the I get back- BLACK FACE and he totally ignored me when I called him. WHAT'S THIS? I think he is going through a menopause perhaps? I don't know but I am really emotionally tortured because the father I know is not so temperamental and unreasonable... I feel like I am crying everyday? Like every moment, I think about it, I feel like crying which is really crazy. I don't really feel like going for prom anymore. I am not in the mood. I don't even feel excited when I see pretty things. It is I have already made up my mind I am not going for prom. I actually just want to buy what I want and not what I have to buy. I am having post a levels blues... which I don't think will occur if not compounded by my dad's weird attitude. I really really can't stand tearing everyday like GIMME A BREAK.

sprinkle!

Sunday, November 26, 2006 @11/26/2006 04:00:00 AM

sprinkle!

Saturday, November 25, 2006 @11/25/2006 12:29:00 AM

A LEVELS ARE OVER FOR ME!

-dance around- :D

I didn't feel any exhilaration at all just now, but now everything is starting to sink in! It is like I AM A FREE WOMAN! woohoo. Anyway, Geography S was like urgh. It was tougher than prelims, I think... I thought I really got lucky when I got merit for prelim. I was really happy but I think... perhaps it is impossible for it to happen again. I have fun crapping though. I wrote PARADOX OF SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT. (too much literature) I actually think it is paradoxical if you think about it... to attain sustainable development, you must keep reinventing the industries or whatnot to keep it relevant to the changing economy.. and I drop in an example from somewhere. It is like I AM COMING UP WITH MY OWN THEORIES. hahaha. oh well, I should have done the television question. The greatest mistake for that exam was to do the transport system question. We didn't even learn about that! alright. The last question I did was on hydrograph which I didn't really prepare for S exam... The question was rather straightforward so I just dumped in my A level knowledge which made it really shallow. I tried my best to "cheemify" it with fragments of examples I could remember.

I went out on wednesday after lit before geog s (a sign why my geog s is doomed). The Little Shop of Horrors is really entertaining! I like it. I like how the pam oei and co did the "Greek echo". COOL. The music is great too. We took a picture with Electrico frontman-David! He is the voice of "Audrey two" and he's cool! (: okay, so Sherene, Jolene, yingying and I chilled out at Clarke Quay... Well, there is a reason why literature is like so beautiful and poignant... MOS is just like Paradise Dance Hall. The illusory nature... The smoke outside was atrocious... We name it the "dramatic effect". The brief, deceptive rainbows within... Hurmph.

I am going to apply to be a relief teacher! (: I am going to learn how to drive! I am going dress-hunting! I am going to READ! I am going to buy birthday presents! I have to develop my Italy photos. I shall think about the rest later. I feel like I am RE-POSESSING myself like finally I am not a slave to exams anymore(at least for a while). :D

sprinkle!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006 @11/21/2006 11:54:00 PM
literature CAN be recycled?

THEY are all inextricably linked.

The violent truth "rocks, like a gunshot", it is something "we cannot turn our minds from".

Some basic elements:
-FACE UP TO THE UGLINESS
Ted Hughes: the unadulterated, "gangrenous and stank" truth. We should look more into our inner psyche, uncover the mysteries, and not be burdened by the "turmoil of history", "the collective strive" [CONTRAST with the HEN which "indulges in nothing"]

Beloved: How we should reconstruct the past- "like a bride", "feeling the heartbeat", entering a new phase of rediscovery and healing, by not "keeping the past at bay", instead, confronts it, reposseses this collective past, then finally "stomps it out, leaving it behind" because past errors should not take possesion of the present " (paradox of the past and memory...)

The Glass Menagerie: Memory is a crippling force... (ouch) and it is inexorable... it keeps coming back... "I was more faithful then I intended to be- There is a need to come to terms with the past, exorcise it, and transform the crippling force into a VITAL motivation by the creation of a memory play. (good luck to you, tom the Shakespeare.) (ah! That is insight... hmmm.)

-well, darkness rocks. I love colours but without acknowledging the "Goya funeral grin"-the brutality and seemingly lack of vitality, there is no way whereby you can "rein the creation with a bridle of water" and "return to kingdom" (basically, you WILL ATTAIN NO CONTROL when you might think you have!) ... you end up entrapped in this world where there appears to be a lot of controlled activity, imposed civility, but instead is shrouded with a even more atrocious and festering nature-murdering someone seems like "potting a snooker ball" and "striking a match", the haunting ease whereby death is inflicted. In Beloved, Sethe and Baby Suggs develop an intransigient obsession with colours... (WHYWHYWHY)... going by the theory of hughes, they are "beating back the past(the darkness)", the horror of slavery. The whites "came into [Sethe's] yard", trampling whatever beliefs she clings on to, casting doubt on the freedom she thinks she has ... and ironically, she "wears the bit" herself and stop spreading the Word, just like how the three of them are "free at last" yet isolated in 124. We need Denver-the one who is saved by a whitegirl, drank the blood of her sister; who embodies the HOPE, the symbolic interfused "strategiest" who can "step beyond the edge of the world" to "tell it all" to redeem themselves and reconnect, so that they can find "some kind of tommorow", to "claim ownership [over that] freed self". It will finally, finally all "c[o]me back" (Beloved), if we revert to the true laws of nature, understanding the business of living in this "world that is lit up by lightning"(TGM) like a child, who "points at [the moon], amazed" (Hughes)with no exertion of force or our superiority...

I wish I can go on crapping. You get what I mean. FACE UP TO THE DARKNESS for those non-lit people. That is everything in a nutshell. Alright. I am going maddddd. I have geog s the day after tommorow, but I am going to watch dim sum dollies tommorow night. madness! I am going back to Beloved!!! (:

sprinkle!

Sunday, November 19, 2006 @11/19/2006 05:10:00 PM
wedding of the year

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

I feel very terrible today. I can't do anything! All I feel is fatigue and my running nose. okay, fatigue is too strong. I just feel very lethargic and sick. I am not going to feel deflated like before my last two papers!!! This is so maddening!

okay, wait, I think I am slowly getting into the mood of doing literature again. TGM is such a rich play... so many concerns to be explored, so many ways to look at it... MY DREAM is to direct the play and bring out the stillness and its power to penetrate the audience's hearts. (hahaha. THAT is going into my list of DREAMS) WE are all pretty disgusted with the production of TGM we watched earlier this year. There was nothing, NOTHING evocative in that performance. hmm. I have read the synopsis for Brokeback Mountain too today. I want to watch that movie! Don't you realise in our conservative Asian society, there is recently this tendency for the media to use "duan bei" as a term to illustrate homosexuals? A social 'euphemism', I think, to mask our unpreparedness to accept the gay community... I mean, we don't see westen media using "brokeback" to describe gays, do we? It can jolly well point to the success and the influence of the blockbuster, but I seriously think as much as it is very honourable to have a chinese to be crowned the Oscar Director, we smear the very glory by usurping the title to typecast one's sexual preference. It undermines the literary depth of the film and the story... I am being very anal, huh? HAHA. I just somehow don't agree with how the media uses the words so carelessly and irresponsibly.

ALRIGHT.( I actually feel more motivated and energnetic now! I think I have a flu..) MORE inteliigent discussions with my momo tmr, more spotting of irresistably cute BABIES and TODDLERS. hahaha. (no mr mysterious tmr, unfortunately...)

I just realise my entry is SUPER grumpy and anal and full of complaints! I was just blog-surfing my seniors' blogs. -CLAWS- I think it is what a levels do to you. It is okay, FIVE MORE DAYS...
lalala.

( I really love strings eh... Why didn't I join strings ensemble in dunman high... I feel like listening to josh groban NOW!)

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things...

Labels: I

sprinkle!

Friday, November 10, 2006 @11/10/2006 11:29:00 PM
cos it is Singapore...

I liked some of the stuff said by the young MPs in the parliamentry debates. Why didn't they show more of them on the tv... I read them on the newspaper. One of them said it seems like we are turning into a nation of COMPLAINERS. so true. We are PROBLEM-IDENTIFIERS rather than SOLVERS.

NA! see! I think some of you must have felt your guilty conscience pricking. It is a horrible local culture.

"What makes a country great is not just the laws of the country, not just the efficiency of the system, not just the meritocracy or beautiful buildings. What makes Singapore great is the people of Singapore and the values of its citizens." --Mr Lim Biow Chuan

I am feeling super patriotic today. Seeing those poly htm students on tv, I just wonder aloud, if I have taken another path, I will be there, in the Sentosa academy, learning about management, away from the horrors of the A levels. Well, on second thoughts, I wouldn't get to enjoy the process of WRITING challenging essays, won't be discussing with my momos and harris about laws, sex, cuckoldry, women carving a place for themselves to fufill their desires, about deception, about humans, about us that have not really evolved over the centuries. I wouldn't want to miss all that. Hopefully after every paper, I will come out, smile and feel that I have ENJOYED myself. (:

My good friend, MOMO, is too embarassed to blog about mr mysterious (She is in a DIFFICULT position) about this very good-looking guy who worked at paya lebar. I have to do it. We(Both serene and Jien) REALISE that he looks like the more ang-mohish version of leehom. HIS back, his jet-black hair and his rather fair skin resemble leehom. The charisma too... HAHA. Jien was scared to mention that he looks like leehom because she thinks I might laugh at her. Hahaha. We also REALISE that some students from a particularly good school are really inconsiderate-study at coffee bean and swagger in with first, a delifrance bun and next, a mcdonalds meal???!

alright, time to go! Myabe we will meet mr mysterious again. hahaha.

sprinkle!

Thursday, November 09, 2006 @11/09/2006 10:09:00 PM

Because I am an arts student. I need to keep writing and here I am, blogging. (:

I have just bidded farewell to mathematics. a weird sense of nostalgia. I wrote a 'letter' to myself before maths paper one. It was quite hilarious.

I wrote:

........I love maths in a way I can't describe. There is something thrilling and satisfying in it... Maybe it is the SCIENCE in me. I am thankful for this subject because it keeps me grounded, more disciplined and lead me to find back my long-lost diligence and perseverance...

I think I am one of the rare people who write cards to themselves before exams. HAHAHA. That said, I don't think my maths results are going to be very promising-probably not good enough for an A, if you take into account the crazy number of people who can do maths better than me all over Singapore esp after the 'downward' revision of the marks(i.e moderation). It is quite hard to stomach that down. Normally, I am not that dumb, but sadly, we only have one, ONE chance to show the world how much you and your brains are worth through sin, cosine, maclaurins', permutations, blah. I love stats lah. So fun. they always have funny stories. HAHAHA. This is getting weirder.

Next week is EXCITING week. "Feel challenged!" Mr Tan's echoing voice in my head... yep yep! :D

I am going off to do more ECONS mcqs. :D

(edited//) I suddenly FEEL like adding this little piece of juicy information. To very hardworking muggers like us, tall, suave, brooding, pensive men with a bit of japanese and american features resting on coffee bean's amber couch, reading classics... are rather alluring. HAHAHA. I am attracted to guys who have that very intensive, 'i-am-deep-and-mysterious' look when they are reading. This is really rare coming from siying. it is just one of the bizzare syndromes that occur during exam period. whee. (:

sprinkle!

Friday, November 03, 2006 @11/03/2006 11:57:00 PM

I don't really like coming home early.

I like coffee bean and the orangey lights and the solitude sometimes. I like mos burger and the bright white lights. Even when I am sometimes alone there, it beats getting home. Once I am home, it is like rather noisy and my mind just switches off. HAHA. I suddenly feel this patch of darkness like creeping over me but I know the
OPTIMIST of siying will relinquish it soon. I just heard something quite disturbing from my sister. It is quite disturbing. very. I don't like to hear that kind of thing. I feel judged, doubted, despised. I actually have confidence and a lot, a lot of pride in what I do. It is so frustrating to be misquoted.

ANYWAY, I promise I will blog about this and seek some justice for my friend/s. What is so wrong with doing questions that got to do with arts???!!! Please accept that not everybodys minds work the same way and that not everyone is attuned to writing about science and technology and about regurgitating what they studied in the resource package. My poor arts friend that is unfortunately wedged in a rather unreceptive science class... You don't really have to deflate someone's confidence or whatever. :D There you go, people, be considerate! I am going back to work. Writing is so therapeutic! :D The darkness has just vanished within minutes! :D

Literature is the best subject with the one of the best teachers around. Harris reassured me that it is OKAY to have STRONG VIEWS. It's okay to form your own opinions about the ambiguity! (; alright.

sprinkle!