Monday, April 23, 2007 @4/23/2007 12:15:00 AM
live everything. live the questions now. -Rilke (my favourite poet of all time)
I read my livejournal entries. I couldn't believe I wrote them. ;) I had always reserved livejournal for the crude, childish style of a typical, angsty teenager and at the same time, keeping a diary-x account then for the more refined writing. hm. While reading those archaic entries, I RE-discovered that I had written a poem for dhs choir. It was published in the yearbook and titled "Song of Euphoria" but whatever was published was only one-quarter of the real poem. Reading that reminded me of the misery I felt towards getting a low-grade silver for the international competition. It seemed very silly to me now. (:
Maybe years later, I will look back at this blog and find myself very silly getting upset over/over-analysing/second-guessing things that will come naturally if you put in enough effort. I felt quite bad...
Pei en and I met up with Nicholas and Jolencia. Jolencia is either going into accountancy or medicine. I thought she is more of an accountancy person... She shared with us her attachment at the hospital and I kept probing, ''why do you wnat to be a doctor... and blah".
She said, " It is very different in the hospital.. different from here...", her hands sweeping our surroundings lightly. We were at the hk cafe. My eyes followed her sweep. It was a picture of bustle; of life- the patrons were talking at the top of their voices, preparing to tuck into the famous polo paos, the waiters skittered to and fro the kitchen, their hair slick with oil and perspiration, their faces plastered with eager smiles... The light slaps of their footsteps on the floor, the frictional grinding of the metal utensils against the clay bowls attested to the teeming atmosphere... Quickly, a still shot of the hospital appeared in my mind. The same hustle and sounds could be found in the hospital but with an undercurrent of growing, infinite trepidation-you don't know where it starts and ends...
"It is different," I nodded as that image emerged.
"It is sadder... the sadder part of life." I glanced at the crowd again. The coiled anaconda of the unknown stares. The spikes on the sleeping anteater bristle.
"But when you manage to help someone, it is different again. You will feel very happy."
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I once thought I would become a doctor one day, a paediatrician, and try my best to give every child under my care the joyful childhood they deserve. I might not have made it even if I have taken the science route. I would have faltered not at the blood, but the ladyrinth of disparities. Jolencia is cooler than me. She can make it. I hope she pass the rigorous interview and test! (: oh and my friend, Melody too... This friend of mine has an unwavering bucket of determination and conviction to offer. I can't wait to call her Dr Long. (: As for myself, though I can't be a doctor, there will be other ways, I hope...Last night, I was just thinking.. I can imagine myself writing children's books with beautiful illustrations that could awaken the imaginative faculties of the little beings. (:(:
And now to my momo: It breaks my heart knowing that you are very hurt and tired of explaining over and over again... ): We were inundated with your effervescence of happiness but that doesn't mean we don't feel the same for you. We do, we do. (: Be brave like you always are and "together, we will find our speck of stardust, no matter what." At least, you don't PAUSE like me and think too much and miss out on too many things. ;)
I love this song. I wanted to write a song called "tick tock tick tock" before when I was fifteen. hehe :p I am listening to it earnesty, introspectively now... (:(:
Even though she cries Tick
She can find her smile
Cos she knows with me her heart is safe
Tock Funny how time away, makes a loving heart grow fond again
She remembers, through the ups and downs of her day
She can say, oh that i'll be...
Sitting, waiting, longing, holding on for her
While the time goes tick tock tick tock
Her baby will be
Sitting, waiting, longing, holding on for her love... 