themudCLINGS-sing-PLETHORA

2007-08-21T23:57:00.002+08:00

I've moved. (:

http://chocolatehazelnut.wordpress.com/

or alternatively, click on "chocolate hazelnut" on the right side of this blog.

2007-06-22T03:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I feel like a million pieces. (all over again and again)

"With so many ambitions and yet so little talent..." I am trying to mimick the deliberate and facetious tone of a character in this chick-lit, feel-good book I just read recently. That line stung me. I am probably an advocate of that. rah. Just yesterday, I read "The Kite-Runner" till 6am, or 5am, I couldn't remember, I was cowering in a seemingly uncomfortable posture, with my blanket over my head. I love my own little world. (: The book was crafted with such subtle nuances of enigma, but they control; they maniupulate. I was crying, to my chagrin, in like muffled sobs.

"Baba wet his hair and combed it back. I helped him into a clean white shirt and knotted his tie for him, noting the two inches of empty spaces between the collar buttons and Baba's neck. I thought of all the empty spaces Baba would leave behind when he was gone..."

"It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything alright. It didn't make anything alright. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight."

Heck the million pieces. I do love my life now and the people, the friends, my favourite people. (: I have a thing for red and balloon-sleeved apparel as observed by berdine. Chilli-red, Champagne red... ah. :D yep. I had dinner tonight with the chorale peeps without my friends as insinuated by weikiat because he asked, "so where are your friends?" and Lucas who was sitting near me retorted something like, "You mean we are all not her friends uh?" Flabbergasted but pretty amused too. ;) Chorale is gonna feel strange without darren and jamie-two less wacky people from my batch. I would have to learn the ill-married song. I detest the song but being CLUELESS about the song makes me feel like squirming out of chorale and I don't quite like the idea of squirming.

2007-06-19T03:24:00.000+08:00

Unearthly hours. Opaque cube. It is hard to give it a miss but I think there's something lacking.

2007-06-09T00:58:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-06-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

I need retail therapy badly. I have been eyeing that pretty Dorothy Perkins dress, red sweater from Roxy/Ripcurl, warehouse white eyelet dress, high-waist pinafore and top (too expensive!) and many, many more. (I rarely use "many many more" because like what my prischool teacher said-it is a sign of bad writing. I can't help it in this case! It is really MANY MANY MORE.) I need my pay to clear off my debt and to SHOP. Looks like I have to postpone my shopping trip with caroline to the following week. Hopefully she won't kill me. :D

Lighten Up

2007-06-01T02:31:00.000+08:00

I was conceiving an entry about MP, foreign cleaner and the level of cleanliness of the lift. It was supposed to be a thought-provoking kind. I thought, yes, the writer siying is coming back because I can feel lines and lines of words scrolling in my mind. It feels good. In the end, I excused myself from completing the entry due to fatigue. alright, and now I think it is pointless to write about it anymore. Once that moment is over, you can't really recapture it back, can you?

I have been chatting to some old friends online recently. I like old friends. Good old dunman high. Pearlyn showed me this poem entitled "Men" by Maya Angelou. (: RAH. I MISS studying LITERATURE. yep and the whole world seems to be going to FASS! It makes me wonder whether I have made a wrong choice. I think I clearly didn't want FASS because whatever I want to major in is not what I wish to realise in Singapore. In reality, reading literature should be interesting regardless of the places it is read in. But I will like my dream to remain that way. haha. Some visions, I think should be left untouched, should let it be pure and pristine, until one day when you can really match reality with it... The joy you feel will be unspeakable, indescribable. I yearn for that moment... so not going to spoil that for now. yes, idealistic! :D My point is, I have accepted something I am not really sure I want. I try not to think too much. I have seemingly resigned to it. I do feel like sometimes I look forward to go back to school. I want to close my eyes and imagine... varsity life: I will be scrambling for lesson from hall, with a piece of bread wedged into my mouth- totally unglamourous but I don't care less... I will try to catch up with momo who has already started to saunter like a glamour queen and is ( always)looking prim and proper with her lancomehypnosemascara-ed eyes- all bright and slightly impatient. I give a tight squeeze on her arms and grin at her mischievously. Then we will both turn back to ask Jessie to hurry up who is fumbling through her bag for her lecture notes. She looks up from her bag and flashes the pretty bimbotic look and chants, "It is there leh. It should be there..." We grab her and run. Then we see Peishan. She shouts, "Si ying and Jien!" and beams at us in a sisterly way. We get very excited like little children and signal her we will call her after class. well and just outside the lecture theatre, I meet wantian who looks all intellectual and impregnable with her metal-rimmed spectacles. (assuming that she hasn't changed her specs) We immediately launch into a a heated conversation of how STRESSED we are and groan about the heavy workload. yes and I figure whenever I am worn out, I will take long solitary walks to rejuvenate myself...with the envelope of fresh air in the campus grounds... This WAS my expectation.

Now I close my eyes, I think of a school stuck in the middle of town, sweltering, humid, weather, traffic jams, crossing traffic junctions, cars zooming past you, sound of honking... and I get a headache. Claustrophobic. I think: CLOSED. I don't know what is so cool about that. A part of me doesn't really mind going there(with that tiniest glimmer of hope and determination of achieving my initial plan) but drenching up my preconceived impression of the PHYSICAL environment, it just get me pining for another way out. The most baffling thing is that I am not sure how much I want the other way out.

put your records on

2007-05-25T02:19:00.000+08:00

I didn't really want to quote this but it is so tempting. Here goes:

"People tend to confuse their purpose (What do I love to do?), with their ideals (How am I comfortable behaving?), and their desired results(What can I achieve?)" [career counselor-Robin Hirschberg] Now get to work figuring out the truth about those foundation stones. Once you do that, develop a plan for getting them work together synergistically. -IS Magazine horoscope

ok, I know horoscopes aren't really the veritable pillars of inspiration and motivation most of the time. Reading this makes me feel a bit more optimistic. (: So all I need is SYNERGY. I guess everyone is made up of little disjointed black dots-it is a simple task, just like how we used to paly CONNECT-FOUR when we were young, we need to find the links to connect the vital parts of our make-up and in the process of doing so, some could be compromised. That how it works, isn't it? (; Now i just need some time to explore the ways to draw the line continuously.

Three little birds, sat on my window.And they told me I don't need to worry.

It seems like we did it on a whim. I was excited. It was roaring good excitement though. The few seconds just before your mouth is damp with the extremely spicy, palatable curry, you feel a teeny weeny fear of the gastronomic turbulence that will be induced in your stomach and tastebuds but then again you feel all perked up at the spingly delectation the food delivers right from your tastebuds and travels both upward and downwards to your brain and stomach respectively. Bliss. yes, I was also trying not to expose my real identity-a warrier of a sort, donning a shiny amour that can blind anyone standing near it-so proud and bold, but was actually gritting his teeth to keep himself from crumbling under the hefty weight of the investiture. We snooped around a bit and we were in the toilet with those undergrads. They were speaking-in a language we could fathom but not digest and it makes everything so exciting all over again-adding the next layer to the kueh lapis cake. I like things that I am foreign to. I want so much to pare them away and reach a definite core, a core of my definition.

Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Exactly, i shouldwork with what I have, than what I don't. It is summer. Lovely, bright summer. well I should have lovely, bright thoughts too.

2007-05-20T23:23:00.000+08:00

oh well, I was talking to marie about some stuff( sam and marie prob also talked about it before i came online... (: ) I was rather astonished at how microscopic some people's views can get. It was crude and totally unnecessary. It is okay. I won't go around, branishing a knife. I am a peace-maker/lover. :D Working at Made with Love was tiring but interesting. okay, most of the time, I tried not to look

too stupid. I was new and really unfamiliar with the tools. I adore the moments when customers ask me for opinions like example how to choose the paper, what else they need, how they can go about scrap-booking... I would feel slightly, slightly flustered but at the same time, very pleased to share with them my whimsical notions. At the end of the day, jien and I could not suppress our shopoholic urges. We had to buy those pretty little things! While I had nothing to do in the shop, I would walk around, observe and conceptualise the piece I can do with a picture of the choir.

We had an event today at kbox cineleisure. The response wasn't fantastic but the instructors were really good. Their performance was so tight and awe-inspiring. haha. (: Other than that, I was trying hard not to fall asleep while manning the reception counter outside. hm! I can't wait to be free of work. My room needs some serious cleaning. :D

2007-05-20T03:20:00.000+08:00

"Hey, can you imagine like ten years down the road... everytime we meet, we will be doing the caroline's poses?" (cringe) Abashed, we might be, but it will be very sweet to have some kind of shared memory, language, secret code among us ten years later...

I like the last picture! The words I have added... stupid blogger... makes most of the collages so unclear!

2007-05-16T02:50:00.000+08:00

I was on esplanade stage a few hours ago, singing no man as a chorale chorister. It was different- I see my batch sops, almost of all of them except chia and miss weiling, streaming onto the stage- it seems like the yesteryears. I think I miss them a lot. yes, I THINK. (:

I guess after today, I feel very strongly that I want to remain in chorale. It is not that I have been thinking of leaving incessantly but there was somehow this unsettled feeling? Today was the turning point! HEY, I think I know all the names of chorale people already! :D That is an achievement alright. It felt very different singing in such a small choir especially when you have to be ten times more responsible for the sound you are producing. (At this juncture, I still can't get pei en's voice exam piece out of my head. It is so infectious! I am going to request for that song four years later! haha.)

Gim Seng complains," wah, so short! I feel like singing longer!"

I felt that too. ;) So in that case, it means I can't wait for In Song, our own vc concert. Let's hope there will be hustle and bustle occuring backstage, more camera-whoring with our section, friends, etc. haha, well, it won't be exactly the same as vj's. vc is an adult choir-we must be calm, collected, disciplined, organised, YES, and have nonsencial fun as well! :D hahaha. I feel so childish. I shall enjoy being that while I can. I shouldn't THINK too much. That is also equivalent to being hardworking and learning the other songs well. I am so high. what's wrong with me!

I was horrendously made fun of today. in the name of nonsenical fun la, huh. My shoe sole came off just like that- I didn't even realise, jj was guffawing away- juni decidedly helped me to get rid of the other shoe sole and my ugly black heels became sticky flats. I thought my shoes would disintegrate. My innocent question of whether those few chorale boys were from vs got it all started. uh huh. ;)

yeps and my pretty sops met us at the stage door reception area to celebrate pei en's birthday. (Her birthday is on thursday.) It's been a LONG TIME since so many of our batch sops were around! iheartsops. True friendship needs no affectation. :D Oh yes, VC has garnered rather good comments for our performances. The overall feel was positive according to steph. Shihui said something about us still not sounding sufficiently 'together'... I can't remember the rest. But it was very sweet of her to have said that she would look out for sop twos. The security guard was such an angel, really! He tolerated our noise and didn't even scold or warn us. That aided our celebration and eased the er, venue problem. We treated him to a piece of pei en's birthday cake. marie was the mummy for the night. Thank you my dears for your flowers and chocolates! :D Thank you Sheena and Gracia for your flower! (:(: Sorry for letting you wait. I saw both of them first when I came onto the stage. my goodness, i am switching the pronouns frivolously around. hmph!

I am exhausted. PICTURES tomorrow.

2007-05-14T23:10:00.000+08:00

They call it the "hana effect". (:

2007-05-13T12:05:00.000+08:00

Let the pictures speak for themselves. :D Birthday celebrations! yes and I realise we didn't take photos on jiejun's birthday celebration.

Bliss. ((:

Imitating weiling's contorted smile

This is very sweet. ;)

Shihui looks as delicious as the cake.

"uh huh! Here I come!"

our masterpiece!

kenny as usual!

Sometimes one does get

2007-05-12T00:43:00.000+08:00

too cranky for your own good. ;) I stepped out of my place in a dark brown top and black pants, yes, in defiance! I am fine now. I can't wait for tommorow, really. Hmm. ((: My dear friend wanted me to put this clip on my blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0A3Q5PtsRU

2007-05-10T22:41:00.000+08:00

Alright, I feel like exploding, for real... I have not received any acceptance letters, not any letters... I feel like some mad, desperate woman, waiting for the letters to come! COME, COME, ARRIVE, ARRIVE! I want to feel like I have somewhere to go... something I can visualise me doing... My stupid handphone was damaged. I wanted to resign but am strapped by responsibilities- I don't want to not make things even more difficult for others... The jammers today were horrible. They were making NOISE, not MUSIC. Usually I am able to take it very calmly and can still try to concentrate on my work.... but I think it has reached my limits. Seriously, my ears can't take it anymore. Sooner or later, I will go deaf. I was having such a bad headache. Thinking of the NOISE now scared me... especially the throbbing bass... I don't feel like singing for sov anymore. The flu is driving me crazy. . .yep, I also want to be ANGRY, to be TIRED, but does the situation allow so? I feel like a PEST. Maybe I am, always going around, smsing, messaging, asking and then I will have freaking no replies... like oh, things will be taken care of in the end... hello, am i talking to the walls? I just want to feel angry, angsty... but I am too soft-hearted... I will only cry... and then I will be optimistic all over again... I will just choose to believe things, choose to have some faith. Goodness, I am such a self-deluded weakling.

alright, i have stopped being irritated and jaded. I am still sick.

2007-05-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

alright, suddenly I have this whole ummm.. stuff to say... I am not getting truculent or anywhere near there. It is this sudden revelation that whatever I have been trying to deny subconciously could be genuine. It is the messages we are sending out by our body language?Perhaps we are really seen as unfriendly people who plan to stick together and not mix around... and what we basically only gossip and bitch... we talk behind people's backs... blah. I don't think we do, in a sense, it is always neutralised ultimately. We have people who are more pessismistic, otherwise optimistic-whichever stand we are inclined to, we always push one another forward... I think that is the most important. we don't particularly hate/dislike anyone, i promise. I feel bad and a bit hurt... I just hope every time it will get better and better. It does in a way, but somehow, I have this nagging feeling that the divisions are also getting clearer and clearer. =X Maybe I should stop thinking about it, when you put too much thought into something, it might just backfire.

I personally think vj choir and people(supporters included especially) are really pretty AA. ;) I can imagine people plotting to send hate mails to us, if they can find someone to send to or if there is a choral forum, we will sure be blacklisted in a thread that goes like, "Cocky and insensitive choir thinks it is TOP OF THE WORLD". gosh, we were so irritating. ;) haha. Giving a standing ovation for your own choir... I am not sure but I think I caught a glimpse of Nelson's expression. His eyes told me, "what the heck you all think you are doing..." It was during this teeny-weeny period of like maybe, ten seconds? heh. I am rather sensitive to nuances of tones and facial expressions. Applauding extremely long when we were announced the recipients of Gold with honours, again, the judges and emcee kept straight faces. ("straight faces" here meaning, they were trying to contain their displeasure.) sigh. I am sure I am also one of those "irritating people", maybe because we were really worried, moved by the japanese song, or maybe we just acted without thinking, but based on our feelings... I feel like apologizing but to who? (like which non vj-choir people reads this!) The moment Isank back into my chair after clapping, I thought we shouldn't have done that... and when the applause at the annoucement of results got a bit too long for comfort, I looked around and was like, '"shucks, they are still clapping.." and I could sense, outside our bubble world of elation, there was this awkward tension! I am serious! haha. yes. why am I bringing this up... Besides of course, jubilation and relief, there were moments where I felt that our behaviour were rather abominable... very subtle and fleeting moments, but they were there and I can't help but to confront them. We might think this is our prerogative to do so, we have a right to be happy... NOT when it is infringing on others', I believe. I mean, do you see other GWH supporters/choir being as zealous as we are? We could still insist that we don't really care about what people think about us, but do we not? Humans are the most contradictory creatures in the universe. I think we should learn to be humble and keep in our minds the image we are projecting to other choirs because besides competing, we are all doing this no matter which brands you endorse, for the love of choral singing and the chance to be able to touch your listeners. yep, and we aren't really that invincible either. (: (: I feel like an old lady again... hahaha. well, CONGRATS, JUNIORS!!! I am very proud, yes, irritatingly proud.

petit ami de Marie est Xuan. Ils sont toujours ensemble. Elle aime beaucoup son ami! :D

oh well, the former abused me verbally and the latter abused me physically. (he used a file to hit me! tsk. tsk.) :p

goodnight world.

crazylillove-ride

2007-05-03T13:26:00.001+08:00

crazylillove-ride
Originally uploaded by siying;lala.

Just because among the clouds... we found one another. (:

2007-04-28T02:21:00.000+08:00

The moment I alighted at the vj bus stop, I said, "Freak, I miss school." I had this hollow-ness as I walked to vjc by the familiar pathway... VJC Students milling around, going home in hordes... It wasn't too long ago... I used toscamper down the path with the choir people, or strolled down it with jien as we made our way to our favourite coffee bean. ): I think what shihui said is true. We will think vjc is just a stepping stone but it feels like home surprisingly...

Harris was as adorable as ever. (: I called out to him and we had a short conversation while he was on the second floor and I, on the first. He gave me this delightful smile, which I really think is cute! (:(: I met my beloved Josef Tan as well. As usual, he was hounded by a geog student.. When he saw me, he flashed his typical sponge-box-square-pants smile and exclaimed, "GOH SI YING!" hahaha. It is weird why he remembers my surname. I think perhaps, in the past, at the look of my name on essays, assignments, he would start having a panic attack. The name would be strewn across the paper in large, widely-spaced letters... It could be a bad omen for the words and arguments that followed. ;) I am quite positive about that. He was still JOSEF-TANISH... saying how we should pay them for using the staff lounge, yadada. I miss GEOGRAPHY LESSONS and yes, josef tan's crap and insight. SUSTAINABILITY! He offers a very systematic method in tackling geog questions. Yi-Fu-Tuan! Humanist perspective of Geography! I miss GEOGRAPHY S lessons too. Slack as we might be, we had quite interesting discussions now and then. It was different from normal geog tutorials which could be quite sleep-inducing. oh and Yuting told me josef tan is adopting another approach-he is trying to be more nurturing. Lol. well, I was pleasantly surprised he remembers my full name. I managed to exchange a few words with mr victor yang... who was my CT for two months. I waved to mr two aik cher. He is so shy as usual! He is one of the nicest teachers I ever know. I think mr dax young is cool to have let us use the staff lounge so readily. (:(: Mr Chad Goh is extremely spontaneous and helpful. He is my grand senior from dhspb! He saved our day literally! Needless to say, our juniors are fabulous too. (:

I should make an effort to go back to vjc more often... I will so like to sit in for the Lit/Geog lessons and just listen or comment when needed. Perhaps Drama Night was one of the factors that made vjc so lovable today. I love the energy level! yepyep. I like going to schools. A few weeks ago, I was in dunman high to request for another copy of my testimonial. I love seeing students in the canteen, studying, gossiping, preparing for CCA... The drink stall uncle recognised me and he replied very confidently that the students are still as obedient when I asked whether the students have changed for the worse. It is happy to hear... I feel happy seeing skirts over tthe girls' knees and their shirts neatly tucked in. It is a trademark of dhs and it only goes to prove one thing that even when mr kiw's power is subdued in the school, the students still carry on with the values of the school. I CHOSE to go to dunman high over other elite schools then because I believe I needed to strengthen my knowledge of Chinese. I mean, up till now, I am still more inclined towards western literature. You don't see me posting chinese poems, do you?But I dare say some of the chinese "san3 wen2" cannot be translated into English without losing the beauty and poignancy of the chinese words. yep, Dunman High gave me four years of education that kept me grounded to my chinese roots. I have never regretted it at all. (:(: However, the same cna't go to the admin office..

2007-04-25T03:07:00.000+08:00

Paris, Je T'aime

I really like some of the stories... For the light-hearted ones, I love the one that narrates the link between this British couple and Oscar Wilde the most. It is so hilarious. I can imagine any guy like that, stiff, humorless, serious, dour, dull... ;)

"I can't marry you... I deserve a wit! a poet!"

I really like that line. I suppose in life, we will meet people who fall short of our ideals, but strangely, these are the people you will live with and learn to cherish... Ironically, they keep your ideals alive, by not being able to fufill them.

I have just read something that made my sensitivity geared up to the highest level... I deleted this whole chunk of words from my blog two days ago because I don't want to be seen like a loser(The paragraph was about how people could already have a poor preconception of me...) and this little social circles thing is making me quite distraught?

"Music had stirred him like that. Music had troubled him many times. But music was not articulate. It was not a new world, but another chaos, that it created in us. Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel! One could not escape from them And yet what a subtle magic there was in them! They seemed to be able to give a plastic form to formless things, and to have a music of their own as sweet as that of viol or of lute. Mere words! Was there anything so real as words?"

-The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

live everything. live the questions now. -Rilke (my favourite poet of all time)

2007-04-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

I read my livejournal entries. I couldn't believe I wrote them. ;) I had always reserved livejournal for the crude, childish style of a typical, angsty teenager and at the same time, keeping a diary-x account then for the more refined writing. hm. While reading those archaic entries, I RE-discovered that I had written a poem for dhs choir. It was published in the yearbook and titled "Song of Euphoria" but whatever was published was only one-quarter of the real poem. Reading that reminded me of the misery I felt towards getting a low-grade silver for the international competition. It seemed very silly to me now. (:

Maybe years later, I will look back at this blog and find myself very silly getting upset over/over-analysing/second-guessing things that will come naturally if you put in enough effort. I felt quite bad...

Pei en and I met up with Nicholas and Jolencia. Jolencia is either going into accountancy or medicine. I thought she is more of an accountancy person... She shared with us her attachment at the hospital and I kept probing, ''why do you wnat to be a doctor... and blah".

She said, " It is very different in the hospital.. different from here...", her hands sweeping our surroundings lightly. We were at the hk cafe. My eyes followed her sweep. It was a picture of bustle; of life- the patrons were talking at the top of their voices, preparing to tuck into the famous polo paos, the waiters skittered to and fro the kitchen, their hair slick with oil and perspiration, their faces plastered with eager smiles... The light slaps of their footsteps on the floor, the frictional grinding of the metal utensils against the clay bowls attested to the teeming atmosphere... Quickly, a still shot of the hospital appeared in my mind. The same hustle and sounds could be found in the hospital but with an undercurrent of growing, infinite trepidation-you don't know where it starts and ends...

"It is different," I nodded as that image emerged.

"It is sadder... the sadder part of life." I glanced at the crowd again. The coiled anaconda of the unknown stares. The spikes on the sleeping anteater bristle.

"But when you manage to help someone, it is different again. You will feel very happy."
------

I once thought I would become a doctor one day, a paediatrician, and try my best to give every child under my care the joyful childhood they deserve. I might not have made it even if I have taken the science route. I would have faltered not at the blood, but the ladyrinth of disparities. Jolencia is cooler than me. She can make it. I hope she pass the rigorous interview and test! (: oh and my friend, Melody too... This friend of mine has an unwavering bucket of determination and conviction to offer. I can't wait to call her Dr Long. (: As for myself, though I can't be a doctor, there will be other ways, I hope...Last night, I was just thinking.. I can imagine myself writing children's books with beautiful illustrations that could awaken the imaginative faculties of the little beings. (:(:

And now to my momo: It breaks my heart knowing that you are very hurt and tired of explaining over and over again... ): We were inundated with your effervescence of happiness but that doesn't mean we don't feel the same for you. We do, we do. (: Be brave like you always are and "together, we will find our speck of stardust, no matter what." At least, you don't PAUSE like me and think too much and miss out on too many things. ;)

I love this song. I wanted to write a song called "tick tock tick tock" before when I was fifteen. hehe :p I am listening to it earnesty, introspectively now... (:(:

Even though she cries Tick
She can find her smile
Cos she knows with me her heart is safe
Tock Funny how time away, makes a loving heart grow fond again
She remembers, through the ups and downs of her day
She can say, oh that i'll be...
Sitting, waiting, longing, holding on for her
While the time goes tick tock tick tock
Her baby will be
Sitting, waiting, longing, holding on for her love...

2007-04-18T01:35:00.000+08:00

I started my essay with some random comment about Martin Luther King Junior's famous speech-"I have a Dream". I cooked up some weird links in the introduction and eventually I tried to argue how even though Singapore is viewed as a pluralistic society to like eg. the Japanese educators, it isn't at all... Cultural pluralism means being able to accomodate all kinds of cultures and lifestyles...well, do we? hmm. YES. It seems quite interesting, but towards the end, I don't think I constructed a proper thesis. All I had were remnants of evidence that couldn't really stand on their own and guess we got in return- SWEEPING STATEMENTS. ;) sheesh. I think it is fun though. I love this kind of cultural studies. I miss writing essays. I think it is quite horrible if I will never be able to write another argumentative essay/simple essay... Interview was quite horrible in a number of ways.

1. I don't feel like it was an INTELLECTUAL DISCUSSION at all. It was more of like an ORDERLY question and answer session. There was no rebuttal, no cross-examination. The atmosphere was very dull and flat.

2. I was not composed enough and I did not prepare myself mentally for the interview. I was stammering! Usually, when I start getting nervous during presentation/interviews, I am able to divert the attention of the audience by speaking with panache and 'faking it through. I felt like I was falling apart today. =X

3. prof kept looking at time. The good thing is he 'listened' and embraced all answers but, there was no further question on the responses we gave... Alright, usually, during an interview/presentation, the interviewer will often carry on from the responses you gave-IT MEANS AND IS A SIGNAL:" I am listening to what you are saying, assessing them"- we call this interaction. not stupid jokes. okay, his jokes were funny and we should all know how to enjoy humour... I heard of how other profs correct, rebut the interviewees etc. I guess those profs have this hidden mentality, "oh this is not the answer we are looking for..." which is not quite right either, because they are not being very receptive. well, I don't think it is working if there is minimal interaction. I don't know whether it is our interview group ( i honestly think we are not soft-spoken!) or the tone that has been set by the profs. Going in order is a bad, BAD IDEA! There can be gracious, friendly arguments even without that restriction. It is like everyone is saying their piece to the profs and not to one another... nor were the professors facilitating to make it a fruiful discussion...

It wasn't exciting. :(

I have whined enough! :)) and I got a call from sheena after i smsed her. It is so nice to hear her chirpy voice after the less than satisfying interview. (:(:(: I miss 2005! She is coming for sov! yay. and I will be in my ugly ugly gown.

starlight

2007-04-15T19:28:00.000+08:00

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

The music is nice... I guess one of the benefits of this job is that I can enjoy great music which is travelling to the office right now from the audition room. ((: The keyboardist is cute. hm.

absent-minded! (:

2007-04-15T00:06:00.000+08:00

My attempt at being anti-social failed today. haha. I don't know where the gastric pains come from... I am thankful for my goody pals like sam, pei en and darren who made sure I got home safely and checked that I am alive and kicking. hehe. (:(:

Jien wrote, "[Your old friends]'ve seen you change as time goes by but deep inside they still know you are who you are." I am really really glad and blessed to have my favourite people around me who will all crowd together and talk about silly things, laugh at our own private jokes, do stupid things that no one else understand (we actually find them rather hilarous), I think most importantly, they " know you for who you are..."

kenny (chorale): hey, siying, your bag.. is open... not zipped...
me: uhm-
(I glanced at my bag and almost said, 'uh, never mind')
sam: oh, it is always like that. you should have seen it when she carries a bigger bag. It will be open and if there is a plastic bag, it will be open too... (flashes her cheeky grin)
pei en: -started laughing/guffawing-

Í thanked kenny for his thoughtfulness but otensibly he was rather amused by our conversation. I think my friends would really be very rich if they charge me for all the times they checked whether I left anything behind, reminded me to zip my bag, etc. The thing is they don't. (: My favourite people don't charge me . :D

me: oh shit, where is my wallet? (I fumbled frantically for my wallet in the taxi)
serene: is it there?
me: OH! FOUND IT!
serene: siying, do you know everytime you say this kind of thing, my heart will really beat faster, cos' I am really worried for you that it will be true.

I am not really that absent-minded, I swear. hahaha. I am a worry-wart who sometimes know she has her stuff in her bag but will double-check to make sure THEY ARE REALLY THERE. I think though it is sweet to have fossilised images and kodak moments of your friends and people whom you care about. (: They might not contribute to the display of their intelligence, beauty, intellect... They are simply little figments and seeds of the personalities your friends have sown unknowingly on the fields of friendship and love. I think about the 'fossilised images'' of all of them and I feel ridiculously happy. (:(: My organ teacher said, "You owe yourself your personal happiness." and I can't agree more with her on that. You can choose the friends you want to be with; whether you want to neglect your family or cherish the time spent together and to stop moping and comparing incessantly because success is relative.

Even though my beloved lit teacher's theory on the birds and their flight is very intriguing but I don't think the "no one is going to wait for you-you will be lost forever" is exactly true... it actually contradicts what he said about losing yourself and finding yourself. I guess yes, if he meant to say we should never be lazy and wait for things to happen by themselves and luck to descend upon you and take you wherever you want... However, you have to understand sometimes the birds, not all the birds... maybe one of them might not want to fly in the same direction as the rest do... so when he grows tired of always keeping up with the perpetual celerity, he will slow down... yes, and be lost! He is going to steer towards his own new direction... It is going to be tougher flying alone but at least it is better than always catching up blindly with the birds in front just because he is afraid to take another route.

Maybe that is why I am not one of my teacher's favourite students. :p

2007-04-14T01:34:00.000+08:00

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near.

-e.e.cummings

I should go back to study or at least read. (:

ace of hearts

2007-04-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

It is one of those days when keeping negative thoughts at bay proves to be futile. Frustrating. My stomach feels queasy-almost like an omen. I comfort myself and whip up scrumptious dishes-confidence, belief, try with unvarnished brio. A chef like any other artist is very proud and will defend his creations as abstract as they may seem to others. I feel insult and fear if I am very similar to another person. You will want yourself to be distinguishable, not another clone of X but taller, funnier, etc. I start to wonder perhaps people don't know me that well or I don't really express myself. For a rather emotional person, even when I think I do 'place all the cards on the table' (like what my personality report says), it may not be entirely true. One card could have slipped onto the floor unknowingly.

I sip my cup of green tea-its warmth reflects off my cold, cold shield, its fragrance fails to soothe my disobedient stomach... Maybe, maybe, it's the ace of hearts.

2007-04-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

You know it is quite fun to be studying again. :D I wasn''t really feeling well and was very sleepy but I had coffee from my ''trusted" cafe-Delifrance. The word "trusted" amused me because one fine day, I think is today, I saw this sign-"Your Trusted Agent". I took a second glance at it. Apparently, I am easily amused by the weirdest things on earth. Don't you ever ponder over hmmm.. how the use of 'corporate' formal language could mould our thinking faculties to be predictable; our lifestyles to be full of perplexing platitudes, even though all seem calm and 'normal' to us? Like I am "trusted", you are "trusted", so who am I supposed to trust?! haha. (alright, I promise I stop asking weird questions.) I miss coming up with corporate emails for my prospective clients. I feel like not going back to work anymore but I am tied down by this sense of responsibility. Even if I clinch deals this month, I will only be getting my commission next month earliest. ): This certainly isn't how I envisioned my 'vacation' months ago. My dear momos-one is going to Sydney with band and FRIEND which is very satisfying already, there is actully no need to go for another one, the other one can't get her mom's permission and there it goes, our VACATION. I am not going to sentosa, no, no, no, Jien. haha. I think-i think i am brave enough to go alone, don't you think so? (: (: So exciting! It is not like I haven't been away from home alone. The exchange/immersion programmes could have trained me well... no teachers, no family, living with strangers, navigating around and adapting to the culture quickly... The only problem is that I don't dare to sleep in a HOTEL ROOM alone. =X I think.

I was in SMU today again and I felt so claustrophobic. It is like I can feel the jitters and anxiety of the smu students who were waiting to enter the examintation halls. -shudders-

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...

2007-04-09T02:04:00.000+08:00

how wonderful life is, now you're in the world... (:

we were doing all those silly poses, act attitude, cool, cute... it is nice to feel silly once in a while. (: not taking things too seriously. my dearest momo-S said the above line to me in a sms.

"LOVE YOU PAUSE! I hope that you don't mind that I put down in words: how wonderful life is, now you're in the world." (:(:(:

She feels like sometimes she is chasing her own shadow. Entrapped in this city of illusions; of clenched fists of the Brilliant of the Brilliance-oh maybe, the thumb has been pried-she muses, "I am probably out of the top 10%."... a rather dismal thought, she still dreams of Other cities, she could be swaggering in style or hunching like a shapeless, faceless figure like one of the many others in Manhattan, in London... Then, she smells New Zealand. And New Zealand smells like freedom, of effortless joy; and-and fear that encroaches onto her lap in the middle of the night, because there are no barriers; no confinements-suddenly she doesn't know where to go-there is nothing to guide her. This is when we retreat, we wave our little white flag, we crawl back into our respective units and cubicles fitted together nicely into an ineffable honeycomb, we lay our heads on the Pillow of the Year (Best Design award, We LOVE Innovations festival)- we assume we are sleeping but we are dreaming of numbers, of lines, of black&white. She gulps down her warm milk, "Four hours and fifty-seven minutes", before she wakes up earlier than the jaded sun and begins another round of battle with herself.

While effusive equestrian fantansies entrall you in dark, isolated corners and when the rest of the world (probably) is disparaging about who should get higher salaries, I think to myself, these are things you argue about when you are in the top 30 %, the rest of the 70% shrug their shoulders off, they don't really care, they probably don't really read newspapers, they resume their daily peddling of tissue papers and broken toys, broken souls, strumming of lonely guitars , of scrambling from one location to another, making ends meet for their very intelligent undergrad daughters and sons who are soon entering the Gates of 10 K and above, who are gaining their participation points by offering their POV to the "Higher salaries" issue-in the most warped, unglamorous, childish manner, I can imagine going off, Teacher, teacher, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! Of course, they do not do that, they hide it well under pseudo-sophistry. We call this a feedback effect, a backwash effect-until today, we thought we knew what makes an intellectual intellectual.

--------------------------------------

On a lighter note, chorale was fun. I mean I had fun. (: It was GREAT meeting up with mayling and I am so glad once again I have such capable seniors who can offer me valuable advice! :D I miss her and her cheerful, charismatic voice. heh heh. Joanna was supposedly my surprise for Mayling but my poor friend had gastric pains. ): okay, I am going to complain again, WHY DON'T WE HAVE MUSICALS? I love the whole make-up of a theatre production, the lights, the set, the costumes... We have so many talented people, but we don't have enough dreamers, risk-takers, visionaries! come on come, don't hide anymore. hahaha.

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words...

2007-04-09T02:01:00.001+08:00

Picture4
Originally uploaded by siying;lala.

how wonderful life is, now you're in the world. (:

sh

2007-04-08T14:55:00.001+08:00

Lonely City
Originally uploaded by lejson.

雨后的城市寂寞又狼狽
路邊的座位它空著在等誰

我拉住時間它卻不理會
有沒有別人跟我一樣很想被

風停了又吹我忽然想起誰

天亮了又黑我過了好几歲
心暖了又灰世界
有時候孤單的很需要另一個同類

愛收了又給我們都不太完美

夢作了又碎我們有几次机會去追

不曉得為甚么愛又稀少又昂貴

云在半空中被微風剪碎
回憶也許美可是正在飛走對不對

Rock hard

2007-03-30T00:48:00.001+08:00

It is life in slow motion,

it's the heart in reverse

It is a hope and a half,

much and too little at once...

Everytime I read the those lines, I feel like I will want to marry a poet or some artsy, classy man. (like the famous Princeton Literature graduate;) ) However, in the REAL WORLD, YOUR REAL WORLD, I think I will scoff at modern men who attempt to write poetry like this. I am feeling particularly romantic today, so I shall showcase this.

Escapism monopolizes the inclinations of lead characters and strangely, that is the common attribute that pushes them onto a train journey that has helped them to redefine themselves and has opened up the possibilities of love and hope. What makes today different is that in all his years of living with silence, it never occurs to him that it can become painful. A moment of silence is dedicated to her, and all the other moments are planned for the act of waiting, waiting for the train to take him again to the station where he can meet her. A Moment of Silence is not complex nor is it full of intricate explanations but a subtle and poignant scrutiny of a day, a day after the day as a young man is left behind to grapple with the memories and grief.

He waited and she came. Today, he waits and he will still be waiting for a long time… The train has taken her somewhere he cannot follow.

To him, the world moves past in silence. He has never questioned this envelope of inquietude, never probed how it came and it was formed. It is all around him, stretched and clung to his skin-he is alone in these barren grounds. He is desperate to escape.

To her, the world swings past noisily. Beneath this deranged intoxication, lie her emotional ruins and her dark secret, she struggling to tear out of it, waiting for someone to take her hand and run and run.

To them, the world is a different world. They board the train and flee, hand in hand.

The silence around him becomes real when she has left. He becomes aware. It is no longer in a piece, but sliced, and cut up into moments and moments. Every waiting, silent moment without her. Perhaps others will only devote a moment of silence but he has a lifetime of it, inexhaustible.

for the story...

distort

2007-03-30T00:43:00.001+08:00

distort
Originally uploaded by puja.

funnn

2007-03-26T01:43:00.000+08:00

"I think i like us, and i feel very secure even just as all three of us are about to lead different lives. I like it that even though we don't meet up, we remain as close we we would like to. I really like us."

-Mabel

I like us too.

Today, I saw momo and there was just this impulse to open my arms and hug her. A wave of relief washed over me-the total wreck. (:She is like a beacon of light...

I think we all have little angels in our lives.

spinning top

2007-03-25T03:18:00.000+08:00

I am contemplating to make certain decisions. They are painful decisions but you know just to knock some sense into myself. (: Actually it is A DECISION, I subconsciously convert it to plural form to make it more elusive. I guess I can't/won't hide anymore. :D I think I am overly optimistic and hopeful. Everytime, I THINK I will find a way out or I shouldn't give up... I shouldn't just stop believing. I am still going against the tides in some other aspects, but I think for others, perhaps, I am not ready for it yet? :D A lot of smileys in this post to remind myself to be positive about making painful decision. I really don't want to but I have to. ... There could be no turning back ... hm. I don't think there will be any welcome with open arms anymore, not like there is in the very first place anyway. hahaha. The more I write, the more I think my mind is set. (: okay, I will be a busy girl for the upcoming months...

*UNIVERSITY APPLICATIONS!

1. work

2. sat (doesn't really sound exciting... but it is something I will do to give my dream one last shot)

3. driving lessons!

4.electone lessons and exam!

5.voice lessons! (going to take)

6. dance

7. hopefully yoga/jap lessons

8. plan my retreat/overseas trip: get recharged

9. spending time with my family and my favourite people who dwell in my bubble world. :D

10 and more meaningful activities coming I hope!

Mabel has a cool job and a very impressive superior. I love spending time with two of them... from vjc geography teachers to neuro-linguistics. (: Meeting up with Berdine and Jo is a form of BLISS too. We kept taking stupid pictures. Berdine has the steadiest hands, I was giving ART DIRECTION (lol) and Jo totally outshone all of us in giving the attitude look. (:(:(: I have also been having email conversations with my momos. It is very mind-stimulating... and like what Jien wrote, it seems to her that she has been writing to a friend who is in a faraway land with the window overlooking cerulean oceans and azure sky... well, actually I was either at home or in the office. It adds spice to life because we were coming up with I would say, rather interesting opinions about why we want to read law and towards other issues, of course. I love jien's reason and mine too. :D Immediately you see two different personalities from the different angles we have taken. It makes me very excited after I read what she and I wrote:D

oh yes, DANCE was very fun on saturday. I like Bibiana, the dance teacher for that day. She can teach very well. yep, with sammie and marie! (: GAMES COMM. We were walking in the Raffles Place area and it brought back memories of the Amazing Race we organised... how we all took the same bus back after the end of the race... (: It was fun and I think the coolest CLUE ever given was the picture that has Marie holding a cup (Marina Bay) I had fun thinking how to work out the routes. I wish I have kept a copy of the proposal for memory's sake. HAHA. (:(:(:

I realise towards the end of this post, I will be a happy girl again! :D I am going to turn in. I need my beauty sleep. NO MORE EYEBAGS. (:

I have also come to a conclusion that during OFF-DAYS, I am supposed to read, not do more work or swarm myself with activities. I need to be a book-worm again! I used to read a lot in primary school, I mean, many people do, but I was quite an ADDICTIVE READER. I will put reading as my first priority before my homework or studying for tests. Now reading has become my last priority even though I make an effort to read articles when I am online so as not to squander my time away in the virtual world. well, it is definitely as i was telling jien, A BOOK HAS LIFE. You can share it with your family, pass it on to your grand-daughter... hug it to sleep... cry on it, have your tear-stains on it... the pages will turn yellow... It has a life. I think investing in something that POSSESSES a sense of continuity is rather worth it. (:

alright, off to bed. sunshine tommorow!

2007-03-19T22:17:00.001+08:00

I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT! :D Hopefully by 2 am, I will be happily announcing that I have completed my proposal. For goodness sake, I am a VIRGO. I am supposed to be good at details. ): Strangely, I think I don't fit the bill of a VIRGO. The description about VIRGO is always about how practical and detailed she/he is. I am not really very detailed if I compare myself to fellow virgos like Sheena. I do not possess many of the 'LEO's attributes either since my birthday is quite close to that of a Leo. You know what I would do, I will be like, "IMAGINE you are Sheena, what kind of questions and details will you be probing and requesting for?"-it actually helps! :D I will need to think of possible problems! yesyes and resolve them. THINK of all the NITTY-GRITTY! :D Anyway, I realise I am the one in the office always suggesting a lot of possible-problems that could crop up but my colleague and superior seem to be unfaltered... I have become less idealistic? ah, I don't think I can ever figure myself out! ;) HAHA.

2007-03-19T00:52:00.000+08:00

I am very interested in international law, political science and casting all these aside... humanity...

"It is NECESSARY to make generalizations about things like Zionism, or Capitalism, or racism. But we also need to remember that our generalizations are concepts, fictions, tools, snapshots. They cannot possibly tell the whole story. Just as in this portrait, the "content" of the image changes depending on where we are standing and how closely we look. When it comes to seeing into the hearts of other people, and when we superimpose our fantasies about groups over the reality of individuals, a sense of certainty - a kind of fundamentalism - can be a very dangerous thing..."

-AnomalousNYC on Flickr

It is like the power of symbols; of figures... of how policemen are deemed as figures of masculinity, of righteousness, of everything inclined towards the "norm", they are supposed to be the ones upholding the strata of the society-justice... and an graffiti art of two policemen kissing seems outrageous and unacceptable because READ THE UNDERLINED BOLD WORDS of the quote. Somehow this idealogy is echoing of what I have put forward regarding the "real world"out there. Perhaps many of us will think, we can't help it! IT'S LIKE THAT! What do you expect us to do??!!!

We can. We can be more aware; more careful.

Besides thinking and dreaming of earning 10,000 dollars a month, visualisng our very first starting pay after uni graduation...alright, we can be miles away from zones of despair and destruction and war, but if the same idealogy persists, the discrimination, immaturity can be benign and will materialise in a welter of horrors of its own, in our 'context'. I don't think there is a need to list EXAMPLES, perhaps we should start pondering, after all we are a nation of "CLASSIFICATION into HOMOGENEITY"- you and I should know best. ;)

-credits to christina for the inspiration and

of course, Banksy and the talented photographers

pack my bag & fly away

2007-03-11T01:41:00.000+08:00

"Hmm and what are you intending to apply?"

"biz"", I said, surprisingly not with much enthusiasm.

"hmmm.. biz ah, should be able to make it. Applied for all three unis?"

"Going to apply, I think" and randomly, or maybe consciously, I added, "One day, I will pack my bag and fly away."

He asked without a note of doubt or alarm, "ohh, you wanna do overseas?" It is not his fault but it killed my reverie. Was I speaking incoherently? No, I wasn't. I mean every word I said. Coincidentally, Jien mentioned something about backpacking for a year in a blog. Perhaps, the things that go through our minds are incomprehensible by other human beings. Reading yueting's acoount made me question myself again. So many people came up to me and told me, "Siying, I thought you will take lit?" OR "Siying, you are not doing the arty-farty courses." I do wish I have some sophisticated answer to that. I won't detest taking business-it is something I can see myself doing... but it is definitely not my passion. I don't know how someone can be passionate about something so generic, BUSINESS. You could adore money, love planning things, like to network and seize control... BUSINESS has a bit of everything and I choose it-I choose it only because I hope it has that piece I am looking for.

"because literature is one thing that gives me one of the greatest happiness in life."

-James Ho when asked why did he choose to read literature.

I seriously believe, if james ho were to take business or whatever, he would excel yet he chooses literature because it makes him happy. What makes you happy?

He also shared with Jien and yuting about the six composites theory. (Why didn't he tell our class?!) I believe in it. It is true. I love my six composites ++. (: Like Jien, the questions about having a composite leaving dawned upon me when I was commenting on jianhao's blog. (It is like how can I share with someone an idea that I suddenly find it flawed...I shared it anyway.) Do you find a replacement for your composite? or can you even do that? Will a part of you be gone... are you still who you think you are... a trail of questions and questions...

My superior keeps reminding us it is a results-oriented world out there. Ultimately, it boils down to RESULTS. It is the reality. Is the reality he and many of us are looking at really reality? Think about it. One day, I will be brave enough.. I am so tempted to retort to anyone who says that kind of thing, maybe, our definition of reality just do not coincide..That brings me to another question. Is reality a word, that has been misused, formed by the pressures of the society-a metamorphic rock of perceived notions? or is it by how one individual defines it... whatever that keeps him/her grounded to what she/he values in life?

Maybe I should be returning the vj school blazer, drop by the staff room and have a little chat with the teachers. They might not answer our questions as what yueting has insightfully highlighted, but 'they will ask questions that prod us to find answers of our own."

2007-03-05T02:15:00.000+08:00

"..why, then, do we have to be human and, avoiding fate, long for fate?"

Have I put this up before? It doesn't matter. I made a huge discovery today. While waiting for my job briefing to start, I went to Watsons' to pass time. I didn't really have specific aims, did not want to buy anything. My stomach was feeling queasy. My mind was racing so fast, so fast that I can't even process what I was thinking or feeling. It was scary. The sense of losing yourself, being defeated-I walked the length and breadth of the shop again and again... I didn't know that disappointment could creep like a silent salamander...it gripping its claws on my throat... I thought of my cheerful disposition after my maths exams. I knew I made a mess but I tried to be positive and lowered my expectations... I tried not to whine. I never felt the jitters before the release/nor do I complain a lot... I was weird. Goodness, have I transformed from confident/overconfident to low self-esteemed person who is unable to voice her expectations... My friend said she wanted three As I think, that she can't stand having a C... I kept quiet because I can't verbalise it- I don't dare to hope,wish and dream? I stopped and looked at the shelf of pills, all sorts of panadols. Is this the Moment, the kind of situation that dredges up all the confusion and helplessness which in turn consume one and then take him or her away from their loved ones? I grabbed like two boxes of pills, stared at them. Is that how I am going to buy the pills, swallow them and say goodbye? Is that how others could be... the vulnerability? I am not the suicidal sort, lest you are worried. (: Such a thought crosses my mind- I didn't look at the pills as my solution or as a way to die... It was a semi-conscious awareness that if someone else is in that situation, he/she could have done so... Perhaps. I am the kind who falls and cries. I cried in the taxi because of my stupid mistake. It is really unlucky and irresponsible to be making stupid mistakes especially when you are going to resign-it creates a lot of openings, openings for rumours and gossips which indicate that you don't care, because you are going to quit anyway. I am the kind who fall and cry and cry, then I will be ok... and I know I will be falling and crying and being all resolute and brave and then I will fall and cry again... It is a vicious cycle. I am not being bitter or maybe I am. Perhaps some of you can count all the As you have accumulated in your life, you can count all you want... (Both my O's and A's added up are not a lot, I am desperate, I shall add in my psle's. HAHA. ) while I can count the number of zeros in my bank account in the future(heehee!), (That's just an example) or you can count how many people you have saved/touched, how many children you have, well-brought up in a warm family, or maybe I will have a bit of everything! :D Don't count the wrong things, friends (and to myself too).

Count your blessings.

You knew the right things to say, but you said the wrong things all at once-I was made to be the bad guy here. If you didn't realise, I wasn't being unfriendly/chasing you away, I am just making things easier for you, so that you don't have to be the one doing it. I am such a silly woman, extremely sensitive to the choice of words and the tone. ;) Thanks(for always dropping messages now and then, strangely at the right time), not that you will be reading this but I have to get it out of my chest anyway! (:

2007-03-03T02:22:00.000+08:00

I am going to bed EARLIER, I promise. Spent too many late nights/early mornings watching Prison Break. I don't know how to justify for my grades and I don't know how NOT TO. I remember going "That's quite good already what..." at my seniors/people who attained the same results I had a year back but when it really happened to me, I know it was below my expectations. It took a while to sink in but I wasn't totally devastated. I come to realise sometimes I have more 'brains' and knowledge than my grades show. It hurt me though to know that teachers have pinned hopes on me to perform but I have failed to execute it. I can recall the smiles, the nods of approval, the affirmation... Literature was a pleasant surprise, I mean, it is not the first A level subject that I was most confident in getting an A for. I took a risk in writing some arguments for the essays, I guess, the markers were pretty liberal and receptive. (: 71 percent of us got As for literature compared to the three in the whole cohort during prelims. haha. I must say harris and his team train us well. :D

The choir people did generally well too... so many 3As and 4As... Some of them in the science fac improved a lot... from failing two subjects during prelims to getting As and Bs or straight As. It is impressive. haha. I am going to start complaining why I am not in science faculty. hee. My class did VERY WELL. With qiuyi and elaine on the board as top scholars, no wonder mrs Low is glowing! Most of them got AAB, ABB, a handful of AAAs. yep.

I am very happy for my friends who excel and I don't feel sad/sorry for friends who did less than that... because we have no reason to, if our conscience is clear. Two years back, when I got back unfavourable results, I was indignant at my complacency but now, I think even if I toss in bed all night, I am still proud of myself. I gave my best. Goodness me, I did work hard for GEOG(only 38% of us got As, what happened to us!), ECONS and Maths. I was freaking passionate about them. (Maths from year 2 onwards) Maybe something happened along the way, you know, during the exams, situational mistakes? I don't know. Things happened for a reason. I am looking to a even more vibrant tertiary education... hm, what harris said touched me when we went to thank him... He said he looks at students beyond their As, Bs or their handwriting.. (smiling teasingly at me at that moment) and he went on, I can't remember what... but I was just very touched. yes, vibrant tertiary education... oh you know what they always say in ANTM, that you need to have more of a personality to make up for your lack of height, that kind of thing. I guess I just have to find more and more hm special attributes of myself to make up for the insufficient As... This is it, goodnight. (:

P.S

shihui said I look like an artist manager, the kind of person who can handle things, "but... ", she trailed off, "You are kind of forgetful." Alright, the first way to cultivate SPECIAL ATTRIBUTE originally not there-be alert/not absent-minded. heh

FACE IT

2007-03-02T13:49:00.000+08:00

Last night, Jien told me it was something like before you get your syf, competition results... On second thought, it is entirely different. For cca competitions, you will have fifty, sixty plus crying/laughing with you. Now, you have to face it alone. I always face it alone. Come on, I am a grown-up. It is time to face it like a ~~MAN~~, heh, I mean, WOMAN.

I am going to be late but this kind of thing is better not to be too early. (:

2007-02-27T01:59:00.000+08:00

I felt distance today.

one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star

2007-02-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colors

which it passes to a row of ancient trees.

You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you

one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth.

Let say we visit my uncle and his family in another five years which were approximately how long we took before our whole family made it back for chinese new year celebrations this year. I will be (gasps) twenty-four years old and my 'oldest' cousin (my uncle's eldest) will be like TWENTY-NINE. I wonder by then whether we would still have this lag of awkwardness before we warm up. We should go back more often!

It is fun knowing that I am actually an aunt back there because I have cousins in the thirties, forties? My paternal grandma, I realised during this trip, was really brilliant. She started producing babies all the way from fifteen to forty-six years old and she gave birth to three ""goat" babies all with a twelve-year gap. That is really amazing, isn't it? The little boys and girls are so adorable... I so want to kidnap them home. (: I miss my cousins already. Oh and they can ALL DRIVE. I am so envious of them and they all set good examples for me to follow... seem to be very outstanding in their studies with all the scholarship offers and everything.

I left behind my clutter/mess/toxic at home- it is just great not to wake up early in the morning for work. I love the feeling of chilling out in msia. Visiting, meeting my aunties, uncles, cousins, playing with the kids, eating great food(PENANG food and SEAFOOD...yum!), seeing my toddler photos(I was so fair... I look like a Japanese baby) shopping, lazing around... I was not exactly cut off either. I received messages from ben regarding our film(we are SHORTLISTED) and momo about our trip. Those are the euphoric parts of my world that I want to return to. Now, I am back in the kind of apartments my cousins have phobia living in.

The little girl in the photo above(my cousin) : I am afraid of heights. eee... I am scared it may topple any moment. Like the time I stayed at your home, I felt like the building would fall.

Her opinions are rubbing onto me. Hm. Now in this small, may-topple-any-moment flat, siying is back, in control of herself, ironically.

You know, sometimes, I hate to be in control of myself.

leaving you, not really belonging to either,
not so hopelessly dark as that house that is silent,
not so unswervingly given to the eternal as that thing
that turns to a star each night and climbs-

leaving you (it is impossible to untangle the threads)
your own life, timid and standing high and growing,
so that, sometimes blocked in, sometimes reaching out,
one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star

"Sunset"

-Rainer Maria Rilke

2007-02-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

I look like I have just stepped out from a korean drama serial now. (: I have chibaboom hair! There goes my silky, smooth, straight tresses... I really love my hair until it gets a bit untidy(the fringe was too long!) so I might as well do something different to it and I have always wanted to get CURLY HAIR. I think it adds feminine charm and I love how my hair was curled at prom too. Now that I have it, I get very paranoid like whether my hair has lost its shine, where the curls are defined or too stiff, whether I have crunched and twirled my hair in the right way, whether I shouldn't wash my hair too often, whether or not I can tie, whether it looks like oh-so-typical and so on and so forth. On the first day, the hair is really big and nice. My mom said to me just now that my curls won't stay really curly for long because of its nature... whatever that means. oh and jamie, WIDER AND FATTER tagboard! tada :D Hee.

I wonder whether I am someone who gets bored easily. I think I am but usually I will find something to be interested about in the midst of boredom. Where I am working... I don't know... sometimes I feel that many people don't understand my job like they see it as a low-paying and unchallenging job but it is so not true. I agree it is not 'intellectual' in that sense like putting forward arguments for essays and stuff. By the way, my primary school friend wanted NEW BLOOD, so he kinda roped me in to write poems and guess what, I have been procrastinating... It is like yes, I do have something to write about... I think I have... but I am (hopefully will be a 'was' soon) never disciplined to throw myself into the world of chaos, riveting unwoven threads of imagination and emotion... you know, basically daydream, sink myself into reverie and WRITE! I do not even have the same stamina to finish reading books... there is a loss, there is a gain. I have understood so much from my colleagues, LEARNT from them, listened to their experiences... I guess when you come from a certain school, certain group of friends, certain family, the kind of society and expectations you have are rather limited. I think we can never wipe out elitism because it has always been there and will always be there but I guess we can be more receptive and hello, book smart is not equivalent to street smart like learning how to say the right things at the right time, make an impression... some stuff can be rather tacky... I am still learning and absorbing and I am enjoying myself! Like today, I was talking to a rather new colleague. She was telling me how some of her band mates despised her, to translate directly from mandarin, they talked to her with their noses...and even though she really enjoyed being in band, in making music, she quit because of those arrogant sticks-in-the-mud. We were also sharing our experiences with our musical ccas. My friend has something to be proud of too-her bowling achievements. I admire her derring-do, the way she faces up to discrimination bravely. ah, I feel like I am hearing STORIES everyday... like so many different stories put together.. and so many afterthoughts...

haha, anyway, I was talking to ray the other day and he was like "I dreamt of you last night". aw! but I was supposedly delivering bad news to hi,-something he couldn't remember and he also dreamt about the year twos having fun at his neptune court place! I miss my friends seriously and yes, kenny, you are being MISSED too... I miss having you around, ranting and bitching and pouting... It makes me happy when people take the initiative or are enthusiastic about meeting up, giving suggestions and stuff... like THEY TRY, WE TRY and we will make things work. :D

I do not love you except because I love you

2007-02-04T23:21:00.000+08:00

I do not love you except because I love you...

This line is very sweet. I keep reading it to myself again and again and find whatever that propels the poet to write this line... is just... alright, I guess, I have no word for it. haha. I have never fallen crazily in love with someone, never cried for days for lost relationships/friendships... but I am now listening to 'People Change', I feel like bursting into tears and crying for nothing, for all the time in the world, I want to feel and not to think and to be led by impulse, not rationality.

The modelling class has really provoked my thoughts. I do not totally disagree with what the trainer said... but sometimes, I feel that the younger girls are being robbed of their innocence. I think one girl is pretty in a way that she is unaware of her charms... a mixture of naiviety and the unexplored sensuality... that is what makes her beautiful. That is true beauty. Another girl was criticised of being too kiddy... but I think the way she smiles is girlish and sweet and radiant and real... It is pretty scary if after the course they are all moulded into carbon copies of each other because that will be what the trainer thinks can survive in the modeling industry. Even if so, I think fifteen yr olds should have the charm of a teenager and not be exposed to the techniques of a manipulative woman, if you get what I mean.

I still need an island retreat. (:

Let's keep our Relationships GROWING

2007-01-28T22:56:00.000+08:00

okay, I have red swollen eyes. ): I have two days' MC... Seriously, I don't feel like going to work tomorrow and open the shop myself... I better jot down all the procedures lest I make a mistake again. I have switched to part-time and that will mean my income will be reduced, which also means I could explore other areas...

PERHAPS I should try listing down all the things I want/have to do. My godmother's son just gave me this "Give yourself a minute" self-improvement book. It is quite interesting. It is in Chinese, in fan ti zi. (: Anyway, there was one part was something like workaholics assume that they are very happy but it is all self-deception. In actual fact, they bury themselves in work so as to avoid themselves. The others use a lot of activities to fill up the void in their lives. They have mixed up the definitions of being productive and participating in many activites, often seeing them as the same thing. This creates an illusion. They think that they have a lot of achievements because they are always busy, occupied, actually they have not really accomplished or dealt with anything. (My translations are not bad huh. :D) That is cool. (: I have to keep that in mind to refrain myself from straying to that extent.

This is super childish and silly but I have to come up with a list. I feel so disorientated.

1. I need to find a new job. (:

2. Meet up with

-my bestie and work out together!

-and joanna foo after her exams!

-MABEL & CHERYL

-the sopsies! I have no inkling how some of them are now!(Marie and shihui, I see them at least once a week! :D I love them lots. Shihui was so patient when she tried to teach me how to do the half turns and three-quarter turns. Marie just rocks, alright.)

-jeanette

-jolene and huiqing and co

-2d peeps!

-my momos and peishan!

-the choir friends-jiejun, sam, jonchuah, darren( I miss their nonsense and their arguments and their debates and their bimbotic moments... hee) and everyone else! Marcus, irvin, jon gan, jamie, jeremy yeo, weijie and the list goes on!

-my pri school friends-we have already decided when to meet.

-psychedelic should meet up more often too... I enjoyed the last gathering.

-dhs choir peeps

It is hard to maintain friendships and relationships, whatever it is. I thought the "out of sight, out of mind" theory is quite true. If we do not meet up or keep in touch often at least, all the relationships depend on are just memories-they do not GROW. "Sometimes, you don't know where you all have left off at..." I think it is very true-don't you think so? My colleague said he switched to part-time to play and he realised his friends are no longer asking him out. (HM! I hope that will not/doesn't happen to me)yup, I was thinking if this goes on, all I will be writing here will be MEMORIES and I think it is a shame if we live only in memories because there are so many beautiful things for us to experience. well, I can't help it but here it is- a shred of memory... I was just browsing through irvin's photos and came across this one that showed the year ones... The caption was ";ast practice with the seniors". hm, our batch was really crazy and sentimental... we always come up with so many weird stuff like wearing sec school uniforms on that day because that was how the seniors first saw us in siglap. We all seemed so young in that picture. It was quite a touching sight... Oh well.

I miss my shoulder-length hair and shorter fringe. My hair is very unkempt now. ):

life of a student

2007-01-23T13:27:00.000+08:00

I miss wearing my vj uniform!):

escapist

2007-01-15T02:43:00.000+08:00

I think I even sing in my dreams. I am very sure about this revelation. A part of me is missing. If someone has been singing since primary school- so much that it has been assimilated into her life, mutate her genes until they scream "SING! SING! SING!" then one day, she stops doing so, she will obviously screw up. I therefore conclude a part of me is missing. Even my name sounds like SING. I am feeling desperate here.

My godmother's son told me today, "This is the longest vacation of your life! HALF A YEAR! Must enjoy and have fun!" It is slightly exaggerated, referring to the capitalised letters. I told my friends that but I couldn't feel like I am having the time of my life too. I need a writer's retreat.

Like perhaps...

Those lovely beaches are in Malaysia-our good ol' neighbour and part of my identity. Hearing my colleague swoon about its beauty just made me want to fly there now and just lie on the sand and do nothing in the day... then at night... I shall scribble away.. or type away... whatever it is, i think siying needs an escapade. (:

2007-01-13T02:42:00.000+08:00

There ought to be some ways which allow me to squirm out of work and jump into the embrace of vc practice! :( Reading the email they sent us made me feel sadder... While my friends were learning new songs and singing away, I will be at SGV scooping gelato or mopping the floor, waiting for customers to pop by. I REALLY REALLY want to sing... like BADLY.

Friends and family help to recharge my energy for work. Meeting half of the psyechelic peeps and guohao was surprisingly an enjoyable experience! I am so glad there is someone-yayanapplying to UK and one of her choices is BATH. :D I was never particularly close to Lien but we could talk non-stop while going home together. It's quite cool and I mean.. I am just glad. The 'dunman' & psychedelic bonds are still intact afterall. MY MOMOS also made a difference to my day. All those daxiaojies we are, always with our literature books and philosophical views have stepped into the real world, picking up skills like how to sell female perfume to the homosexuals, how to sell gelato to the mute and deaf (it really happened to my team at mt faber... I was in awe when my colleague communicated with them in sign language.), how to speak japanese accurately because the ojiisan are always very critical of how you pronounce the words...( under required circumstances, I actually could remember some of the words and hence makes me even more determined to really grasp Japanese...), how to handle arrogant customers who insist on having the products that have run out... I realise I like doing sales and yes, serving customers. I met a super helpful customer in SGV and what he did offset all the negative feelings I had that day. (:

ok, I am going to collapse soon... the entry shall end here! (:

WHICH BRAIN OF YOURS

2007-01-06T09:41:00.000+08:00

I was giving english and literature tuition to my brother last night... Tuition is a bad word. Sharing sessions, maybe? I was sharing with him the art and joy of writing but suddenly now, I realise I am the ONE who is losing it. What Marie said was true. We feel lost because there are no specific aims like A LEVELS and ITALY. I have small goals now-to scoop the gelato better, serve the customers better, and always be armed with a great smile and attitude. That is for work.

Siying: I don't know. I miss my brain. Like the brain to write poetry. That kind of brain. Brain to play music. That brain.

Jien: yah yah. I get what you mean... I haven't been using that brain.

We then talked about how we should meet up often with a laptop and "do some nice writing". I can imagine my beautiful momos and I in some nice quaint little cafe-the aspiring writers talking about what girlfriends talk about, me bearing that syndrome that surfaces now and then... we spotting some quirky people that could immediately make good material for our book... We will have so much fun describing and infering and imagining. I will be sipping my tasteless iced tea/hot chocolate/hot mocca as I pondered over the last few words just typed-'there is something not right leh...' I can hear the kind of tone I will be projecting these words in. (: My momos would be brainstorming too... They would be arguing playfully who have the better word to describe the lonely old man sitting by the fountain gazing at his torn, tattered shoes we see through the glass pane of the cafe... I can imagine we doing things like that.

The problem is when can we MEET? We could also swing by the hagen daaz and take our time to savour the chocolate fondue. I mean, give me your SYNDROME anytime. I promise I will survive-I kind of miss rolling my eyes at it. haha.

While walking along this stretch of road that that takes me from the cable car station to the harbour front mall... I was just thinking, sometimes whatever want are just already right before our eyes... It is like the song has always been playing, it is up to you to turn up or turn down the volume. I want to learn new things. I like challenges and isn't it better to face them with your friends? The badminton and scrabble board sessions with darren, marie, shihui, jon chuah and jeremy chia were great. I have never played badminton in its most rightful fashion. My friends taught me how and it was a pulling-of-the-heartstrings (I have to concoct this word, alright!) as thought about all of us so focused on coaching and making the game better. Those little things. They are learning to teach. I am learning to learn. Shihui, Chia and I were singing at the top of our lungs some familiar chinese pop tunes. I felt liberated. Small, unimportant but happy, very happy.

We were at chia's house and we were poring over his binded photobooks. I started from somewhere in the middle of the book and I kept flipping and flipping, wondering why the pictures were duplicated and thought chia printed the pictures more than once.

I wondered aloud, "Eh, why the pictures keep repeating?"

It was only when I verbalised my thoughts that I realise how silly I was. Everyone there was stunned, doumbfounded for a second, just a second before they all burst into laughter.

These happen once in a while that I myself like it. They can make my friends laugh and I like the feeling of feeling unguarded, not defending... and instead of being all aware, always on full alert, being so self-conscious of making mistakes and projecting an image you will like others to conceive, that you lose yourself.

I have started to resist publishing my new year resolutions because I think that will just make just like anybody else. Then again why not? You have them written down- they will either cause regret or a strong resonance of bliss in the following year when you read the entries again. I think Marie gave me a new(or rather, a renewed) perspective about writing a diary.

She said, "I am afraid that I forget stuff that happened. Like when I read the italy post, some of the things I could not even remember... I begin a personal diary to remember the events."

Experienced bloggers like Sam, Darren and I have our own set of opinions. We think it as an avenue to direct our feelings and emotions who will think it as an insult to writing if you narrate it point by point.

Sam: Everyone knows what happened to you on that day, they want to know your feelings. (which is justified and very true)

I kept quiet after a while and left the debate to them. Inherently, I think a diary or a blog IS TO record the events and the things that have happened to you and the people around... or what you have observed... There is nothing wrong. In fact, I think Marie is absolutely right in the most pristine sense especially when I was talking to her and at the same time self-evaluating. The writing style and the attitude towards it would change. Perhaps you start off writing in chronological order about the things that have happened together with your feelings about it, but maybe in a year or two, your brain will do the natural filter. Perhaps a small little boy tugging at his mother's dress you see at the mrt station station will instead propel you to write about things that have happened before or things that might happen in the future... Most importantly, this is for marie(: I think we all should not let any preconceptions of 'keeping a diary' make you think twice about your attitude towards it. Some of us have evolved and we have forgotten the most basic element. You are like a fresh piece of paper... Adorn it with your colourful experiences... ;)

The big goals have become small. Now I aim to scoop better gelato without it threatening to drop, give the correct change, be patient and cheerful, to think on the feet to serve the customers well and to shout "Any ice-cream for you, sir/mdm?" with more gusto and pride. We have been missing out a lot in school and now we are magnifying the little spots in life we often deem as dirt. (:

2006-12-26T11:42:00.000+08:00

When the reunion session came to an end, "Another year has passed"-that was what I thought. Strange. There wasn't a surge of emotions, besides perhaps at a fleeting, ephemeral moment, when I felt a sudden wrenching of the heart... (haha) There weren't as many audience and singers as the previous years'. Though lacklustre, I am glad I came. It meant something to me like it was through carolling when a strong desire to be in vjc choir was first established... (: We get to see our friends, seniors, mr kwei, it is still a call for celebration? (: I hope vjc choir will keep singing at raffles hotel on Christmas day every year... I am going to bring my children there to listen to the choir! :D

It was great spending christmas with my favourite choir people. (My family went to Malaysia.) There are some things we mind and care a lot for and yet these feelings may not be exactly reciprocated or "duplicated" like how we have ermmm... committed ourselves to when we were in their shoes. Maybe we over-generalise... oh well, things can't be that bad! :D I better start writing letters, and making my gifts that I have procrastinated ever since SOV! I am such a lousy friend. heh.

Thank you for the cards and gifts and love!

2006-12-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

Should I even attempt to start writing christmas cards? Madness. I want to but I don't want to start knowing that I can't finish. I am becoming lazier after the exams... This is so horrible. I need to get my life back in order! Carolling is not as fun as the past two years'. No panicking, no excitement, no arguing, no fighting... all you have to do is to turn up OR not turn up... it doesn't matter cos'' your presence is not 'compulsory'... and SO FEW YEAR 2 SOPS! It made everything seem so BLEAK. ok, I still have other yr twos... yr ones around... (: Those yr twos who say they will come but they didn't... ARGHHHHH. I want to box your faces. hahaha.

Anyway, that aside, the trip to China was not bad. I like learning about Chinese history and I really think it is a shame if chinese does not know chinese stuff... HAHA.. or in fact, chinese, for that matter. There were so many intricate details about their architecture, design, food, clothes... Our ancestors were really geniuses, weren't they? Oh and I have heard from the tour guides regarding their impressions of Singaporeans. The most common one was how we are unable to express ourselves- we don't laugh out loud, we don't talk a lot. Another interesting point was how the tour guides think their previous singaporean customers all seemed very demure and ''obedient"-they would appear to agree on everything and once they got home, they would file a lot of complaints. One tour guide told us it is funny how Singaporeans seem to take a lot of pride in the cleanliness of the garden city... so when he went to Singapore, he was quite determined to find some dirty spots... and he did! He told us he saw cans, bottles, bags in Singapore River and he took a photograph of it! I was laughing to myself-serve them right... well, when that tour guide told his singaporean clients after that trip about his 'discovery', one of them said the rubbish floated all the way from Malaysia. like what!!! The tour guides thought our tour group consisted of Singaporeans but ironically, it is a bus that was 7/8 made up of Malaysians or people originally from Malaysia... It was rather hilarious because I think my parents and their friends on board were nothing like the non-expressive sort-they were in fact rather frank and they cracked a lot of stupid jokes on the bus.

The whole portrayal of Singaporeans was erm... I guess, Singaporeans reading this... should go and think about it how prone you are to comparing to the food, roads, people, etc to that of Singapore... and how you complain, complain, complain... haha. Darren was saying when he was in HK with his classmates, it was extremely to identify the Singaporean tourists... They have CERTAIN TRAITS. Coincidentally, there is a talk show next week about how Singaporeans behave overseas... I caught the trailers and I was like THAT ALL SEEM so FAMILIAR.

I try not to complain too much... (:but I guess I could not really appreciate the oily and salty Chinese food... I have weird stomach pain in the later part of the trip. oh and I like Beijing better than Shanghai... It is older and has a stronger rustic charm but you can see the beginning of deliberate urban renewal... hmm. Many hutongs were torn down and they have English words splattered all over which I think are an insult to the 5000 chinese history... they become bars and pubs and cafes... The cosmopolitian setup will serve the Westerners well, won't they? Is that the only way to woo foreigners? Everything is done in preparation for Beijing 2008. Nonetheless, it is a huge affair, yet I think in some aspects, they 'abuse' this tag to advertise and sell not really related products or services which in the end, did get on our nerves... The touting culture and the whole deceptive "i-give-you-something-free-but-actually-when-you-are-there-we-will-talk-unstil-your-heart-softens" and "it-is-government-related-you-are-protected" concept offset the beautiful memories we have of Jiangnan, Shanghai and Beijing. The Chinese are even more competitive than Singaporeans-there is no queue and first-come-first-serve basis-basically whoever dares to push to the limits wins. I have heard some of them speak English better than most Singaporeans... They are really serious. So think about it, they can speak excellent Mandarin and English and they are knowledgeable, witty, practical-er, excuse me, where do that put us? It is like you witness how everyone in China tries to cling on to this ladder to the great Beijing 2008 and claim a part of China's economic success as their own... We all feel a twinge of sympathy especially for people left behind in this mad race to the frontline to receive and tap the foriegn/foreign currency and resources... I feel quite disturbed and I don't really know what to make of this INCOME DISPARITY(???)It is more of just an income really, more than some absolute numbers... it is the lifestyle... the kind of commitments they have to stick at a tender age and here we are in Singapore, AFRAID of commitments, of working... We are lucky. We have a choice. They don't.

yes, merry christmas, everyone.

2006-12-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

I feel so screwed up. I read blogs and people were like they have watched this movie and that movie... I am like I haven't caught a film ever since before a levels... What have I been seriously doing, I wonder! I am supposed to organise a primary school outing and it is not easy...okay, relax, I shall start small. That is the way to go. I have missed my 4d gathering which turned out to be a great one and I am going to miss my 2d gathering too! like WHATWHATWHAT. I am going to miss out a lot. I want to own the Harris bookshop! wouldn't leave there if I was not feeling so groggy from the lack of sleep... So many delicious-looking books! yummm!

Now I am confused over which application to take up... I actually want to try out the internship with this media group too. I am supposed to send best samples of my writing! -gasp- If only there are multiple siyings... I don't to go overseas... It is like so irresponsible... I don't want to leave things hanging... HELP!

I think ryan's virtous gang is super funny... He is going NS! I am going to miss that fellow...

THIS IS SUCH A FRAGMENTED ENTRY. oh, whatever!

2006-12-12T00:31:00.000+08:00

NAKATA IS IN TOWN! I have to say this because he is the epitome of japanese men. Alright alright, HYPERBOLIC. hahaha. It happened that a few nights ago, Jolene and I were swooning over him as we caught him on tv. I think the show was telling us about his 'retired''life... and the moment, the shot of nakata in a smart suit in an interview came on, we were like oooh and ahh. He is a good, charismatic speaker and (he is cute)... usually Japanese will have this very heavy accent when they speak English. For him , it was almost non-existent... okay, I have to think of a way to swerve from this adolescent-like moment...

While a lot of people have blogged about sdd and exhibited their photos, I have not! I wrote the entry halfway and was attracted to the more appealing hot japanese swimmers(sheesh, another of that MOMENTS) in Doha. ah, I am actually a TEAM SINGAPORE supporter. I screamed and cheered so much for remy ong, tao li and sun bei bei, ok. alright, so I am going to rewrite about that whole SDD thing. I guess it wasn't as fun as I thought it would be but everyone looked pretty/handsome that night. All the make-up, hair, dresses... All the being ''wrapped up in our own worlds""... It was quite irritating seeing the trouble we had imposed on the people who were serving us. Sometimes, there wasn't even an apology for the inconvenience we had caused, we just happily assumed that it was our prerogative and right to jostle and push, take picture and look pretty... oh come on, don't give me the diva attitude.

My classmates were lovely and spontaneous, clique or no clique... we rocked big time! We were rather crazy. Shawn and his band started playing and you know being very supportive and loyal friends, Bernice and Jolene, grabbed us on stage (I think it is both of them) with a few other tsd people. It was insane because the hall was rather dull and we were like dancing on the platform. It was embarassing yet fun-must do something unplanned once in a while. I am reading chick lit now-it is like don't you sometimes just hate how everything is measured in seconds, minutes and hours... how ur schedules/study timetables used to be like so structured and organised... we need a break from organisation and TIME. (It is human-imposed!) I know I can't stray far though-there is still this innate desire for rigidity and limitations because there come CHALLENGES! haha.

My choir friends! I think we are a special bunch.(: Amazingly, we managed to gather all the year twos outside the ballroom. (It was done by the sweeping-down method.) We took batch and section pictures and then sang together! I MISS SINGING. like ahhhhh. Seeing all those 'singing' expressions on my friends as we stood in a circle was heartwarming... I was swiveled into the 'mood' too I wish though at the moment, for my singing voice to come back to me! We ended off with "The Shower". Thank you, everyone there! (: Sopsies, altos, tenors and basses!

I chilled out with my classmates after prom. It wasn't exactly chilling-out. We went to mos and I totally love that room. okay, It is the most 'tame'' room(NO SMOKE) with the best music, I reckon. Ryan and adrian were like our guides. Eventually, my other other classmates(Serene babe and co) came too and samuel and co were there so we all kinda did our crazy dance along with the retro music. I love "Take on Me"! It was a great song to loosen ourselves. I concluded though that clubbing isn't my thing. There were a lot to pay for like after clubbing, my throat ended up hoarser and I had to walk back to the hotel, barefooted. The stupid killer heels. I still love them anyway. They are gorgeous. :D

THIS IS THE FUN PART. (I sound so loserish...I rather be intellectual.) I might not aspire to be an avid clubber but I adore the boardgame-CRANIUM! We decided not to sleep in the end because it was already like 4 plus am when we got back to the hotel. Cranium is the ultimate nut-cracker. My team (Talia, Meredith) rocks! It was very funny, watching your friends act or having your friends collapse with laughter at your nonsensical antics... well, at least you do not have to shout/strain your ear to hold a conversation. It was thrilling and yet homely and WE GOT OUR BRAINS working despite the lack of sleep. I want to play the game again. ((:

VJC was pretty amazing. I bonded more with my old friends-my momos-what can I do without both of you! There are the geogers as well, my new friends -okay Bev is considered old, we were japanese classmates but people like winnie, nelson, celine, samuel (so many others)... (a55) jolene, ryan, josey, sherene, yingying, junyi, huiqing(she told me she knewabout my atrocious handwriting and passion in lit back in dhs!), meredith, Elaine and Qiuyi...the tsdians- yeekuang, cheryl, talia, steph, sam, mik, marcus... ANYWAY, I dreamt about JOSEF TAN last night. What a fright. Huiqing was in my dream too. I woke up, bewildered. It was something like I offended him by saying he couldn't get us As with his teaching (sth like that) and he was like ARE YOU SURE, apparently affronted and I felt bad because I was not trying to convey that message- I can't remember why I went to talk to him anyway. I told huiqing my troubles and I approached him again to apologise... the rest I couldn't remember. It was really scary... as in I was not even in touch with geography the past few weeks. Horrible dream. okay, back to where I was. The choir friends! Jean and of course our new zealand friends, katie, katrina and clayton we have made because of the opportunity given by vjc. (katie is going to pursue psychology! coolness. (: His cutie brother is all grown up! jeannette is like gaga over him. ) There is andrew and dunmanians like grace too and my buddy for (oops!) NINE YEARS(!!!) berdine geh!

I am so lazy to post photos now. Next post alright! (: I have to wake up early. It's DUNMAN HIGH TIME tommorow! :D

2006-12-02T14:40:00.000+08:00

I am so crazy about Les Miserables now. I went online to search and watch the different renditions... I feel like buying/borrowing the dvd. I definitely want to catch the Japanese production too. They have some good voices and actresses there. (:

For the first half of the musical, I was pretty distracted because I couldn't find my phone. The second half is much more appealing. I think it is amazing how they coordinate and come together and put up such a musical with so few people! They changed their costumes so many times... okay, it gets a bit confusing at times but it is incredible like how one person needs to take on so many multiple roles. (: "On my own" is so sad... I love Eponine. She is so self-sacrificing. I heard Marie couldn't stop crying while watching that scene.

Well done, juniors. (:

The birthday boy and his enormous cake!

Kenny and his vicious look

2006-11-30T03:28:00.000+08:00

I know this is really random but I am having this emotional rojak now.(coined by marie)

While having this midnight(beyond midnight) msn conversation with marie, I suddenly realise oh, there is FAREWELL! It slipped my mind. We were talking about something else but somehow it led to us talking about our batch. I always have these images of us painting chrismas concert banner together on the pt second floor and getting scolded together by the auntie...(haha) getting scolded together by marcus... our yr two meals and sharing time.MINGLEMINGLEMINGLE(remember?) fixated in my mind. (: I feel sad and sorry. I wish they don't have to go through so much confusion. I don't want to say goodbye too. Yet, I feel blessed to have these friends with me. I can't imagine surviving farewell... as in can only imagine me in TEARS. I have so much to say, but I think once I open my mouth, I will lose the emotional stability. haha.

"i tink our batch every1 sort of motivated each other in their own way"

(direct quote)
-Marie 30/22/06

2006-11-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

I feel like zillion times better today.

1. My mom is super nice to me today. I think telling her how I felt about my dad's sudden coldness was good. I was like keeping to myself about it for like two days. I am glad my mom is more objective and listen to my side of story.

2. I am so happy too that my mom has shopping queens for friends who know the length and breadth of town at the back of their hand and have good taste. I bought my dress. I actually like the other dress better! My mom and her friend like it on me at first... but in the end, they prefer the other dress more. The salesgirl(more of the store manager actually) gave her opinions. She said black is too common and it looks too waitressy and way too low cut-very troublesome(but it is pretty!) The dress I bought is not bad but it is not my personal favourite but I really couldn't care less anymore. hahaha. It is like I-WANNA-GET-IT-OVER-and-DONE-WITH. yessss!

3. MY DAD ACKNOWLEDGED MY GREETING! finally. omg. He has never been like that, I tell you. NEVER. I think my mom must have talked to him, "scolded" him again. I feel so relieved.

4. I have heard Punggol Primary school choir just now at this Joyeous concert together with performances put up by a few of Mr Kuek's voice students-Danny, Evelyn Ang, Chuan en and Shihua. I put their names as if I know all of them... Hahaha. Danny is my junior lah. I have heard the girls at mr kuek's house though. They are so good. I love Evelyn Ang's voice and her whole presentation. She looks so cute and her expressions were convincing especially when she sang her solo sad song... I was touched! okay she is really good. I want to go back to voice too... hahaha. So many vjc choir people are under mr kuek now! It's funny but it is great feeling. I heard Marcus who just joined has really impressed Mr Kuek. :D

5. Seeing how the year ones have all come together to support Danny, I think... I am quite moved. hahaha. They are very united-so many of them were there! I am serious and hello, hougang is a FARAWAY PLACE for many of the easterners! It is wonderful that the concert has brought them closer! :D See, doing a christmas concert is hard work but it is worth it! -smile proudly- I can't wait for Les Mis, juniors!!! ((:

6. MY MOMO IS BACK and the other MOMO's exam has finished! hahaha. welcome back to earth, dears.

7. I can't wait for a magical night on friday which will be spent with my favourite people and 'family'! ((:

2006-11-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

I am physically and emotionally drained. This is hundred times more tiring than having exams, I am serious. The cold war with my dad and the dress-hunting! (I have blisters on my feet... ouch) I don't know what is wrong with my dad man. I tried to break the ice and he still gave me the "black face"... I tried to put it all behind me and be nice but what the I get back- BLACK FACE and he totally ignored me when I called him. WHAT'S THIS? I think he is going through a menopause perhaps? I don't know but I am really emotionally tortured because the father I know is not so temperamental and unreasonable... I feel like I am crying everyday? Like every moment, I think about it, I feel like crying which is really crazy. I don't really feel like going for prom anymore. I am not in the mood. I don't even feel excited when I see pretty things. It is I have already made up my mind I am not going for prom. I actually just want to buy what I want and not what I have to buy. I am having post a levels blues... which I don't think will occur if not compounded by my dad's weird attitude. I really really can't stand tearing everyday like GIMME A BREAK.

2006-11-26T04:00:00.000+08:00

2006-11-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

A LEVELS ARE OVER FOR ME!

-dance around- :D

I didn't feel any exhilaration at all just now, but now everything is starting to sink in! It is like I AM A FREE WOMAN! woohoo. Anyway, Geography S was like urgh. It was tougher than prelims, I think... I thought I really got lucky when I got merit for prelim. I was really happy but I think... perhaps it is impossible for it to happen again. I have fun crapping though. I wrote PARADOX OF SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT. (too much literature) I actually think it is paradoxical if you think about it... to attain sustainable development, you must keep reinventing the industries or whatnot to keep it relevant to the changing economy.. and I drop in an example from somewhere. It is like I AM COMING UP WITH MY OWN THEORIES. hahaha. oh well, I should have done the television question. The greatest mistake for that exam was to do the transport system question. We didn't even learn about that! alright. The last question I did was on hydrograph which I didn't really prepare for S exam... The question was rather straightforward so I just dumped in my A level knowledge which made it really shallow. I tried my best to "cheemify" it with fragments of examples I could remember.

I went out on wednesday after lit before geog s (a sign why my geog s is doomed). The Little Shop of Horrors is really entertaining! I like it. I like how the pam oei and co did the "Greek echo". COOL. The music is great too. We took a picture with Electrico frontman-David! He is the voice of "Audrey two" and he's cool! (: okay, so Sherene, Jolene, yingying and I chilled out at Clarke Quay... Well, there is a reason why literature is like so beautiful and poignant... MOS is just like Paradise Dance Hall. The illusory nature... The smoke outside was atrocious... We name it the "dramatic effect". The brief, deceptive rainbows within... Hurmph.

I am going to apply to be a relief teacher! (: I am going to learn how to drive! I am going dress-hunting! I am going to READ! I am going to buy birthday presents! I have to develop my Italy photos. I shall think about the rest later. I feel like I am RE-POSESSING myself like finally I am not a slave to exams anymore(at least for a while). :D

literature CAN be recycled?

2006-11-21T23:54:00.001+08:00

THEY are all inextricably linked.

The violent truth "rocks, like a gunshot", it is something "we cannot turn our minds from".

Some basic elements:
-FACE UP TO THE UGLINESS
Ted Hughes: the unadulterated, "gangrenous and stank" truth. We should look more into our inner psyche, uncover the mysteries, and not be burdened by the "turmoil of history", "the collective strive" [CONTRAST with the HEN which "indulges in nothing"]

Beloved: How we should reconstruct the past- "like a bride", "feeling the heartbeat", entering a new phase of rediscovery and healing, by not "keeping the past at bay", instead, confronts it, reposseses this collective past, then finally "stomps it out, leaving it behind" because past errors should not take possesion of the present " (paradox of the past and memory...)

The Glass Menagerie: Memory is a crippling force... (ouch) and it is inexorable... it keeps coming back... "I was more faithful then I intended to be- There is a need to come to terms with the past, exorcise it, and transform the crippling force into a VITAL motivation by the creation of a memory play. (good luck to you, tom the Shakespeare.) (ah! That is insight... hmmm.)

-well, darkness rocks. I love colours but without acknowledging the "Goya funeral grin"-the brutality and seemingly lack of vitality, there is no way whereby you can "rein the creation with a bridle of water" and "return to kingdom" (basically, you WILL ATTAIN NO CONTROL when you might think you have!) ... you end up entrapped in this world where there appears to be a lot of controlled activity, imposed civility, but instead is shrouded with a even more atrocious and festering nature-murdering someone seems like "potting a snooker ball" and "striking a match", the haunting ease whereby death is inflicted. In Beloved, Sethe and Baby Suggs develop an intransigient obsession with colours... (WHYWHYWHY)... going by the theory of hughes, they are "beating back the past(the darkness)", the horror of slavery. The whites "came into [Sethe's] yard", trampling whatever beliefs she clings on to, casting doubt on the freedom she thinks she has ... and ironically, she "wears the bit" herself and stop spreading the Word, just like how the three of them are "free at last" yet isolated in 124. We need Denver-the one who is saved by a whitegirl, drank the blood of her sister; who embodies the HOPE, the symbolic interfused "strategiest" who can "step beyond the edge of the world" to "tell it all" to redeem themselves and reconnect, so that they can find "some kind of tommorow", to "claim ownership [over that] freed self". It will finally, finally all "c[o]me back" (Beloved), if we revert to the true laws of nature, understanding the business of living in this "world that is lit up by lightning"(TGM) like a child, who "points at [the moon], amazed" (Hughes)with no exertion of force or our superiority...

I wish I can go on crapping. You get what I mean. FACE UP TO THE DARKNESS for those non-lit people. That is everything in a nutshell. Alright. I am going maddddd. I have geog s the day after tommorow, but I am going to watch dim sum dollies tommorow night. madness! I am going back to Beloved!!! (:

wedding of the year

2006-11-19T17:10:00.000+08:00

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

I feel very terrible today. I can't do anything! All I feel is fatigue and my running nose. okay, fatigue is too strong. I just feel very lethargic and sick. I am not going to feel deflated like before my last two papers!!! This is so maddening!

okay, wait, I think I am slowly getting into the mood of doing literature again. TGM is such a rich play... so many concerns to be explored, so many ways to look at it... MY DREAM is to direct the play and bring out the stillness and its power to penetrate the audience's hearts. (hahaha. THAT is going into my list of DREAMS) WE are all pretty disgusted with the production of TGM we watched earlier this year. There was nothing, NOTHING evocative in that performance. hmm. I have read the synopsis for Brokeback Mountain too today. I want to watch that movie! Don't you realise in our conservative Asian society, there is recently this tendency for the media to use "duan bei" as a term to illustrate homosexuals? A social 'euphemism', I think, to mask our unpreparedness to accept the gay community... I mean, we don't see westen media using "brokeback" to describe gays, do we? It can jolly well point to the success and the influence of the blockbuster, but I seriously think as much as it is very honourable to have a chinese to be crowned the Oscar Director, we smear the very glory by usurping the title to typecast one's sexual preference. It undermines the literary depth of the film and the story... I am being very anal, huh? HAHA. I just somehow don't agree with how the media uses the words so carelessly and irresponsibly.

ALRIGHT.( I actually feel more motivated and energnetic now! I think I have a flu..) MORE inteliigent discussions with my momo tmr, more spotting of irresistably cute BABIES and TODDLERS. hahaha. (no mr mysterious tmr, unfortunately...)

I just realise my entry is SUPER grumpy and anal and full of complaints! I was just blog-surfing my seniors' blogs. -CLAWS- I think it is what a levels do to you. It is okay, FIVE MORE DAYS...
lalala.

( I really love strings eh... Why didn't I join strings ensemble in dunman high... I feel like listening to josh groban NOW!)

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things...

cos it is Singapore...

2006-11-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

I liked some of the stuff said by the young MPs in the parliamentry debates. Why didn't they show more of them on the tv... I read them on the newspaper. One of them said it seems like we are turning into a nation of COMPLAINERS. so true. We are PROBLEM-IDENTIFIERS rather than SOLVERS.

NA! see! I think some of you must have felt your guilty conscience pricking. It is a horrible local culture.

"What makes a country great is not just the laws of the country, not just the efficiency of the system, not just the meritocracy or beautiful buildings. What makes Singapore great is the people of Singapore and the values of its citizens." --Mr Lim Biow Chuan

I am feeling super patriotic today. Seeing those poly htm students on tv, I just wonder aloud, if I have taken another path, I will be there, in the Sentosa academy, learning about management, away from the horrors of the A levels. Well, on second thoughts, I wouldn't get to enjoy the process of WRITING challenging essays, won't be discussing with my momos and harris about laws, sex, cuckoldry, women carving a place for themselves to fufill their desires, about deception, about humans, about us that have not really evolved over the centuries. I wouldn't want to miss all that. Hopefully after every paper, I will come out, smile and feel that I have ENJOYED myself. (:

My good friend, MOMO, is too embarassed to blog about mr mysterious (She is in a DIFFICULT position) about this very good-looking guy who worked at paya lebar. I have to do it. We(Both serene and Jien) REALISE that he looks like the more ang-mohish version of leehom. HIS back, his jet-black hair and his rather fair skin resemble leehom. The charisma too... HAHA. Jien was scared to mention that he looks like leehom because she thinks I might laugh at her. Hahaha. We also REALISE that some students from a particularly good school are really inconsiderate-study at coffee bean and swagger in with first, a delifrance bun and next, a mcdonalds meal???!

alright, time to go! Myabe we will meet mr mysterious again. hahaha.

2006-11-09T22:09:00.000+08:00

Because I am an arts student. I need to keep writing and here I am, blogging. (:

I have just bidded farewell to mathematics. a weird sense of nostalgia. I wrote a 'letter' to myself before maths paper one. It was quite hilarious.

I wrote:

........I love maths in a way I can't describe. There is something thrilling and satisfying in it... Maybe it is the SCIENCE in me. I am thankful for this subject because it keeps me grounded, more disciplined and lead me to find back my long-lost diligence and perseverance...

I think I am one of the rare people who write cards to themselves before exams. HAHAHA. That said, I don't think my maths results are going to be very promising-probably not good enough for an A, if you take into account the crazy number of people who can do maths better than me all over Singapore esp after the 'downward' revision of the marks(i.e moderation). It is quite hard to stomach that down. Normally, I am not that dumb, but sadly, we only have one, ONE chance to show the world how much you and your brains are worth through sin, cosine, maclaurins', permutations, blah. I love stats lah. So fun. they always have funny stories. HAHAHA. This is getting weirder.

Next week is EXCITING week. "Feel challenged!" Mr Tan's echoing voice in my head... yep yep! :D

I am going off to do more ECONS mcqs. :D

(edited//) I suddenly FEEL like adding this little piece of juicy information. To very hardworking muggers like us, tall, suave, brooding, pensive men with a bit of japanese and american features resting on coffee bean's amber couch, reading classics... are rather alluring. HAHAHA. I am attracted to guys who have that very intensive, 'i-am-deep-and-mysterious' look when they are reading. This is really rare coming from siying. it is just one of the bizzare syndromes that occur during exam period. whee. (:

2006-11-03T23:57:00.000+08:00

I don't really like coming home early.

I like coffee bean and the orangey lights and the solitude sometimes. I like mos burger and the bright white lights. Even when I am sometimes alone there, it beats getting home. Once I am home, it is like rather noisy and my mind just switches off. HAHA. I suddenly feel this patch of darkness like creeping over me but I know the
OPTIMIST of siying will relinquish it soon. I just heard something quite disturbing from my sister. It is quite disturbing. very. I don't like to hear that kind of thing. I feel judged, doubted, despised. I actually have confidence and a lot, a lot of pride in what I do. It is so frustrating to be misquoted.

ANYWAY, I promise I will blog about this and seek some justice for my friend/s. What is so wrong with doing questions that got to do with arts???!!! Please accept that not everybodys minds work the same way and that not everyone is attuned to writing about science and technology and about regurgitating what they studied in the resource package. My poor arts friend that is unfortunately wedged in a rather unreceptive science class... You don't really have to deflate someone's confidence or whatever. :D There you go, people, be considerate! I am going back to work. Writing is so therapeutic! :D The darkness has just vanished within minutes! :D

Literature is the best subject with the one of the best teachers around. Harris reassured me that it is OKAY to have STRONG VIEWS. It's okay to form your own opinions about the ambiguity! (; alright.

2006-10-31T01:29:00.000+08:00

:D I am suddenly very excited about geography. HAHA. I haven't checked the geog gmail account for a few days and BOOM! there are like so many readings and articles uploaded. They all seem quite interesting! I feel so divided like -BLAH- There isn't a single subject that I am confident in. Not lit, not maths, econs and definitely not geography. I like mr tan's ice cream parties though. I woke up late and missed out the fun today! This is a random entry to indicate that I am still very much alive and enthusiastic. HAHAHA. like who will be reading this.

ENJOY, everybody! (:

forever''s first day... (:

2006-10-23T01:06:00.000+08:00

ALRIGHT.

I am listening to "Cinema Paradiso" now... by leehom. (: I have to blog about his concert! heehee. It is like the best pop concert I have ever been to so far! It was FULL HOUSE, by the way. hm. He seemed rather tired. We could see his deep eye bags. He did a rendition of kit chan's song in falsetto. impressive(: He is really very talented and versatile! There were like around 'six segments' in the concert. He did the sunshine-feel-kinda-song, classical, jazz-pop, hip hop, rock, plays-the-piano-and-serenade-type, prince-charming-singing-ballads... you name it. There were many different styles interpersed, but it has that signature passion and committment, I feel. He rarely went out of tune, which is like very important, he didn't go off when dancing. (unlike so many others...) He seemed to love improv a lot. hahaha. There was a part when he got the audience to sing the melody and he harmonised. Everything was like WOAH high! I love his classic ballads -"Forever First Day" and "Crying Palms" the most... Very touching. I also really love his violin solo-"Cinema Paradiso" too. heart-wrenching. ahhh. He is like an all-rounded musician... I have a lot of respect for him! :D During the last part of the concert, everyone was standing up and was very responsive EXCEPT my block! I was so disappointed! I was like going to jump on my feet! The atmosphere was infectious but nobody was like standing in my block, so I didn't! ah! He ended the concert with "Wei Yi". The classic LEEHOM song. I hope berdine managed to catch that. She was so funny, she messaged me to ask me "WHY HE NEVER SING WEI YI!): " Well, I guess he saved the best for the last!

I wish the concert could go on for like an hour or more, forever, forever! I want more music. It's really YUMMY! :D I actually think that he sounded better live! His falsetto was well-controlled and emotive though it doesn't always sound spectucularly good in the recorded versions. It is like quite funny how other pop stars always suck at live performances and have to rely on lip-synching while he totally aced them. There was a lot of energy when he did the upbeat songs. He is very charismatic...When crooning the ballads, (I like his slightly, slightly husky tone! It is not that 'glib' and overly smooth...) you would just shift yourself forward, your chin buried in your hands and think to yourself, "That is very sad..." OH, and those couples, MIND YOU, there were a lot of couples... I heard the guys singing those love songs, hopefully directed to their girlfriends beside them... I was thinking then, it is amazing how music can transcend all boundaries like from the stage, from the singer and his own experiences to the audience gazing adoringly at him or their partners... There is some form of understanding and relevance and relationship that I can't really put down in words. We cry, we feel, the tears, the joy- we are kinda simple, aren't we? Not so complex after all, not in the rat race, not aiming for As, enveloped by good music. we are just seeking for some kind of equlibrium with everyone.... hm.
We had a fantastic view from our seats. Kudos to the lady from bishan sistic! :D hahaha. I can't wait for his new production. He would be doing a musical soon, I heard... That is like DOUBLE-YUMMY. He's chucking the chinked-out sound aside for a while... I don't mind! I prefer his "jazzy sensibilities". (as ST puts it, lol.)

This is momo1's favourite picture of leehom in the concert. It was taken from the big screen. (I could hardly see his face from here!) She said,"He is very good-looking. yin yin yue yue. Nice silhouette. " I took quite bad pictures. hahaha. I should merge them ONE DAY after As.

I love strings! !! This is like sidetracking, maybe I shouldn't be so scared, maybe I should go and take cello lessons after As. MAYBE. :D I really want to SING again and feel the MAGICAL equilibrium... :D

seals of love, but sealed in vain, sealed in vain

2006-10-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

I just read one of my favourite blogs. (: I feel so silly and superficial and shallow at times like this. This fellow dreamer and idealist writes very simply yet it radiates off a very natural shimmer of goodness and purity with her touch of very humane descriptions. It made me ridiculously blessed but at the same time, strangely pained, like your eyebrows would twitch and your heart would beat very fast, very fast-

People dream, more often than they thought they do. Some dream about religion, about placing their trust in the higher powers, some dream about money and being famous, some dream about love and their special loved ones, while some dream about dreams of how the world is beautiful and there are many surprises waiting for them to uncover... ALL are deluded in one way or another. The power lies not in the power you think they possess but rather what is snuggled beneath the intensity of your conviction and the domination of your delusion.

I am deluded. Happily deluded. (:

2006-10-16T00:07:00.000+08:00

"two less lonely people in the world..."

This song is like stuck in siying's head! well, the doing of her beloved Friends. They
love ~~sappy~~ (that is an adjective she will use when she is feeling cynical) love songs. (: They also love laughing at her. One of them-momo chuckled to herself last night all of her sudden when she thought of siying and her very embarassing moments-that momo's sister thought she was going mad from all the studying. Siying thinks even though this last lap is very personal, is all about how far and how much you can push yourself, but when you are going to brave it through with such lovely people, it makes everything brighter, more purposeful. (:

2006-10-08T22:09:00.000+08:00

"Wouldn't it be better to turn life into poetry rather than to make poetry from life,"

Paz asks.

Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.

All is visible and all elusive,
all is near and can't be touched.

Paper, book, pencil, glass,
rest in the shade of their names.

Time throbbing in my temples repeats
the same unchanging syllable of blood.

The light turns the indifferent wall
into a ghostly theater of reflections.

I find myself in the middle
of an eye, watching myself in its blank stare.

The moment scatters.
Motionless, I stay and go: I am a pause.

--Octavio Paz

in love with its own transparency

2006-10-08T20:18:00.000+08:00

This is my class. (: I have such lovely teachers and well, one of them is none other than Mr Teo Aik Cher. He is a resident cartoonist for lianhe zaobao and he did this caricature for our class. He claimed he usually only does this for his form class. so sweet! :D He was very observant. I can imagine sam laughing and hitting tim like u know happening in front of me, mik with her slightly irritated look, "can we leave now?", jolene sleeping, qiuyi nibbling her carrot during class, priya and her handphone... hahaha. (:

It wasn't really the last GP lesson but he predicted that on monday many people would be absent so he gave this to us last friday and the sweetest thing was before he dismissed us, he was like, "Can I go one last round please before you all leave?" and he did his very mr-teo walk to each and every occupied desk, talked to everyone of us, giving comments and tell us what to improve on or maintain. (: Very heartwarming. He told us not to be complacent because we did well for prelims and his expression was very funny, it is like he is happy for us yet he doesn't want to show it too explicitly in case we get lazy and think that's enough.

well today, I was with my two friends-the momo and the brave one.

the brave one: eh, the picture actually... I saw it on your blog. You all actually look quite happy.
the momo: -mumbles something which I did not hear-
me: -abrupt input-( i was supposedly self-absorbed in economics and 'chasing cars' (that makes it the hundred millionth time I was listening to it)
Don't you know, photos don't always tell the truth?
the brave one: -stares at me in disbelief and starts stuttering- That-that... I don't know. It sounds- (she didn't quite finish her lines/I didn't hear them/I was back in my world of self-absorption)
me: You know, TED HUGHES.
the momo: yes, the permament contradictory horrors.

I used to think ted hughes was crap; used to think all he wrote about are animals and nature and violence and anger and war and everything torn apart. I came to appreciate him more and more- he makes so much sense, the part about the subconsciousness, the escapism, humans-imposed civilisations and time. I think pictures are powerful yet sometimes so futile; so unreal. As much as I respect hughes, he is still not one of my favourite poets. I still do not like his style. It is personal lah. I think sometimes, no matter what other people say or comment, when it comes to liking; to love, all laws and regulations dissolve-what you step into is a
blank, fresh white canvas and you will, you would paint in your own bold strokes. Even if it has that little grey spot-ugly and imperfect to others, all it takes is a smile and a beautiful mind, you will turn it into a bright eye of a fawn; a knob of a door to the world of euphoric moments.

chasing cars

2006-10-01T03:23:00.000+08:00

"There's a strange frenzy in my head,
of birds flying,
each particle circulating on its own,
Is the one I love everywhere?"

-Rumi, translated by Coleman Banks

Sometimes you think some things or people matter to you a lot at this point of time, but ten years later, realistically, three years, I think are rather sufficient to erode away the memories or sentimental value you peg onto them. I was reading my handwritten diary. I was wryly surprised at the things or the people I wrote about. It's like DID I REALLY WRITE THAT? rah. I was kind of frustrated then, wasn't I? I tried to scrape the bottom of my mind, yet, despite reading those words again and again, I could remember none of the angst. Even posts online like a few months ago, where there were little random scribbles-they are very foreign to me. I am so scary! haha. I think my mind has this fabulous filter. Everyone has, only variation probably lies in the strength. hm.
Don't you think 'Chasing Cars' is very romantic? I am listening to it for the millionth time.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing.
There is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
Doesn't make sense.
-- Rumi
We'll do it all Everything on our own We don't need anything or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time chasing cars around our heads.
--Snow Patrol
I am going to have FUN tommorow! whoopey. (;

pictures galore

2006-09-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

(have to scroll to the right, scroll bar at the bottom due to the pictures! sorry!)

we love the esplanade. (:

sopsies!

rahoon and her cute little tee

steph and mr photographer!

our royal highness! pangsai princess!

nicholas makes nice cookies!

2006-09-29T02:30:00.000+08:00

IT'S A NEW BEGINNING!

I have spent the past three days with some of my favourite people. (: Caroline,jj, weiling, sam and marie-the white belt is cool! Thank you. stayover&hightea after Alevels! Berdine and Joanna-"You deserve the BEST."-ooh, I think hearing that is enough. haha. Crystal-jading and tang-baoing and photo-whoring with these two lovely friends were so warm and fuzzy. The

three independent women! whee. :D

YES and on tuesday midnight/wednesday morning, I BAKED COOKIES!I am so proud of myself. I did it without my mom finding out! She doesn't like me to bake. I think it irritates her to see me messing up her kitchen SO I had to do it while they were asleep. Amazing, right and I did it all by myself- I was very focused and efficent(it is a sign!haha!) and not so disoriented or messy like before and I cleaned up the kitchen and equipment, wiped the floors, table-tops, making sure there was not any stain or grime, so that my mom would wake up to a spick and span kitchen! :D I wantedto take pictures of the burnt cookies. They were so pretty. I decided not to, people will lose trust in my masterpieces! hahaha. I actually thought it was not quite a successful attempt. I had two rather bad batches before the last two which turned out better. Pei en told me my LEMON BUTTER COOKIES (they thought it was pineapple) were very nice! :) (sorry, jien, serene and jj, I will bake again soon for you!) what a nice surprise. Anyway,

those cookies were for dear steph-our beloved sop leader! It was one of the most exciting birthday celebrations I have ever participated in. The sops yr 2s clad in our very attractive sop tees went back to school to do a birthday treasure hunt for stephie. I think the juniors were very shocked to see us back in school. It was so much fun. Steph had to go to different stations

and retrieve her presents. We were like all over the school. Thanks to Daniel (for being our photographer!) and Shuwei for your help! We celebrated forthe other two Sept babies-Rahoon and Jolencia as well! I had to leave early and the sops stayed in the choir room after the celebration and talked for hours! bah. It is alright, I love my sops family. :D

It is the first day of school and I am pretty hyper and motivated today! I was kind of disappointed for maths-I look at the papers, especially PAPER 2, I can do so much better. well, doesn't matter to me now, shaping the present and future is more crucial! During lecture today,

Mr Tan said he felt "SUPER DEPRESSED" after marking our DRQs . He went through major urban geog concepts today and talked about some of our drqs briefly. I think-I think-I am afraid my drqs would be all close to ZERO. Mr Tan has a very, I would say, unique yet rigid way of marking and level of acceptance for your answer. He said I was" much better" and he could see "more organisation". THATis very rare. I always think he thinks I am stupid but again I suspect he is just trying to comfort me. haha. I just hope my physical geog can help me! We finally understood and accepted why he said death rate or life expectancycannot be determined from the populationpyramids. It is like a passed-on misconception. hmm. I personally think it is quite cool. Haha. My impression of mr tan is changing... woots.

2006-09-26T01:58:00.000+08:00

There was this period of time when I was thinking... someday, there will come a day, when I will give up blogging. I figure out, for me, that will be the day when I have finally 'grown up' and a lot of things would be hard to express, or I would be self-censoring so much (due to work ethics and so on), that it become painful to write. Well, I hope that day never comes. I can't imagine not being able to write. ah, I can always keep a little diary like I always do. It is different, the reason why it is on the blog, because it is meant to be shared, to be seen, to be criticised and to be connected, plugged into this whole, crazy world of globalisation and naked truths(or lies). (You know, globalisation could be a myth; not a real phenomenon. sidetrack, but if if u want to find out more, check out wikipedia.)

alright. The New Singapore Idol has been crowned. I have more evidence to prove that guys and girls are from mars and venus respectively or is it the other way round. haha. Isabelle was super funny and cute when she was agitated.

isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
INSENSITIVE CHOIR GUYS
very insensitive lah
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
SUPER!!!
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
keep on suaning us
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
like THANKS??!!
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
then when we get pissed
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
they say we're getting worked up over singapore idol only??
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
like in the end when we wanted to take picture with jonathan, these STUPID guys come and squeeze us, until someof us were blocked
isabelle.BLAST IT ON! says:
like who's the jonathan FAN??!!

ah! I was actually pretty shocked. The announcement was so abrupt then I did not even prepare myself for disappointment. I shall not impose my views on others. :D hahaha.

People still have misunderstandings about arts and social sciences. Although I know I am not heading there, (I could be, I always leave my options open, more exciting that way) I have total respect for the people who are doing arts. This is not to offend anyone or my dear friends, but really, how does one define FUTURE? Does not earning as much big bucks as hmmm.. some business wannabe mean YOU HAVE NO FUTURE??? This kind of stereotype is really that deeply-rooted, isn't it? Even so, I think a lot boils down to your attitude and how much you really want something. A mediocre, lackadaisical business person who sees money eventually as his/her ultimate motivation, in my eyes, pales in comparison to a spirited and bold arts student who enjoys what he /she is doing and is earning enough to support himself/herself and the parents. I feel so sad... for the people who do not understand. You know I have respect for science people and the subjects too. I might sometimes tease about the rigid thinking and low EQ of the science people, but stash that! The only severe cases are probably like one or two people I know. When Jonathan chuah told me he is going into Food science, I was really impressed and interested and went on to ask and discuss with him the possible routes after his graduation. I like that kind of belief, direction, he has(moreover, he respects arts) and hey, it is science! BUT kudos to that, without food science, you probably be downing some weird, mutiliating food that you think is perfectly fine.

A few years ago, thank goodness for this lady, a CEO from some big company who came to give us a career talk in dhs, I can't remember her names and her amazing achievements but I remember very CLEARLY how she came in and talked about her background, her childhood, her family, her failures, how she loves inline skating that she initated the establishment of the association... She has a lot of CONVICTION and you know that lady is not just about making money, she has a whole dimension to her life and she was rather young then(thirty, forty plus then) and she was so full of energy!

My point is there is no way, or I cannot accept people saying arts and social sciences are equivalent to NO FUTURE. I just want whoever are mistaken to realise that your future is not defined by what designer bags you carry/money in your accounts/car you drive.... or whatever... THEY HAVE A FUTURE SAME AS YOU, YOU, or YOU! I have no personal qualms with someone who thinks earning money is the way his/her future is going to be about, but it is ridiculous to think that is what everyone's futures are going to be about. You get my drift. The more I write about it, the more indignant I am.

well, I was just sharing with serene how a blog entry from our class senior touched me with the sincerity and honesty. That settles in our hearts with such subtle aplomb. (: You feel like the world is being looked at through rose-coloured glass, everyday, every single minute.

Rose-coloured glass.

This touch of surrealism that i would lay down my sword and shielf, fight against the sninister latticework and murky canyons to keep it alive. (:

You Gave me Wings (:

2006-09-25T00:19:00.000+08:00

BEFORE I FORGET, I HAVE AN EXAM TOMMOROW!

okay, I have to write that at the beginning, because I am getting carried away. :D

okay Singapore idol was FABULOUS. I was there at Singapore Indoor stadium. I thought it was a great performance but there should be more songs! Six songs are not enough for me! I crave for more! (: I am really pretty objective. hurhur.

Jonathan's "Chasing Cars" was better this time round. You can't help but be impressed by his voice. When Hady came on stage with the George Micheal song, I was like oh-oh-that is my favourite Hady's song and he did it really, really well. It seemed like he owned the stage. I was caught in the middle but when I heard Hady's version of "You Gave me Wings", I know who my votes are going to.

JONATHAN. (: I don't like Hady's version. Even though it is at a higher-key and it is supposedly more appealing, I didn't like the interpretation. It was all over the place. The vocal acrobatics were too much for me-almost too showy for my liking. It is a very standard way of presenting that kinda song. very stereotypical and in fact, very boring. Like what Marie has pointed out, it is titled "You Gave Me Wings". I like the little tinge of sadness and yet hopefulness in Jonathan's version. It is more hmm, emotional and deeper. Not such a brash and direct interpretation, but more multi-layered. It is like someone is falling, in the pit and he is pleading for hope; for light and there you are, you show him the way... The last "fly-ai-ai-ai" from Jonathan, when his voice descended gradually(and mysteriously!) and then faded away, was packed with a lot of direction and feelings. I don't know... I just feel that there is like a direction to his singing and not the very competitive-kinda, here-I-come-I-am-going-to-inspire-all-of-you type. It is the subtleness, the mystery, that reaches out, I think, the undercurrent of inspiration and courage that I am attracted to. Don't take it at face value! I think Hady sounds very impressive vocally and technically-but it is like empty singing.

It was quite funny whenever hady reached some high notes, we would all turn behind and look at mathias and he would say "C", "B flat" and then we would also comment how he went sharp and marie was like, "yah! see i was right" expression when dick lee said the same thing. hahaha. The choir people are so cute and funny and MAN, SAM DEAR can scream! hahahah. We can't fight the alto power.

Anyway, I have made a little discovery. The guys seem to like Hady more. The Choir Guys. My analysis is that( you see why boys and girls are so different)- they go for more technical stuff. Quoting jeremy gan, "Hady lah. His voice is more zai what!" but girls FEEL MORE, so we like jonathan whom I really think can emote better. I like his intensity. oops. (:

I like the theme song a lot by the way, so much better than "I Dream". rah, VJC Choir, you rock! JUNIORS! MY LUCKY, LUCKY JUNIORS! I am so jealous! WANTING, ISABELLE! hahaha. Let's keep our fingers crossed you all can sing with jonathan again! :D The principal was sitting just right in front of us, and we were like some mad people, screaming and cheering for choir. hahaha. oh, Mrs Chan seems different outside the school, I realise, like there is a softer side to her-she looks motherly, in fact. (:

okaay, off to sleep and I AM WAKING UP TO PREPARE FOR MY S PAPER which is going to be UNGRADED. BAH. oh yes, thank you for the lovely tickets, juniors. (: We enjoyed ourselves.

(This larger font size is for the choir people who read my blog and commented the font size is too small! haha.)

IT IS REAL

2006-09-22T03:42:00.001+08:00

I ought to be sleeping! It is all messed up. I slept till 2 plus pm today.:D That is quite an achievement. I am usually not such a lazybum. :D

I really want to see more of the biennale's installations. I thought yesterday was really fun and enriching. Thanks jolene- the NUMBER ONE tour guide! Nine of us decided to in Jolene's words, "support our PROJECT WORK IDEA"-an initiative about arts (: Our first stop was the national library. The WHITE LIBRARY. Sherene said, "I think it is how even when reading, we have to give our own inputs". Talia commented that it is like how we study, we read and read in pursuit for knowledge, but we end up learning nothing.

Hm. I like the Ampudia better. BASICALLY, literally it is just projected images of fire on white books on the shelf but it kinda throws you off, well, at least I was thrown off. Something peculiar and out of your expectations. The books are burning. When jolene stepped forward and blocked the books, she became the one who "is on fire".Anyone has the ability to do so-to block. Step inside the fire. It is an illusion. Preserve the knowledge before the fire of igorance consumes you. HAHA. While I am at this, I better give myself a light reminder that I need to pick up a book soon. We met quite a few interesting people along the way. (: Our conclusion is that it is nice to be 'touring' Singapore with a different sort of perspective in your SCHOOL UNIFORMs. People will recognise you and talk to you and said, "Oh I was from victoria" and then you hear their stories. Their snippets of life. I wonder where I will be like in five/six/seven/eight years' time? Will I be taking photos for a group of vjc girls as they pose radiantly with a seemingly one-dimensional structure, chatting with them, see how they study the "RAIN TREE", determined to find the loopholes, then finally pass them my namecards and introduce them to viable part-time jobs after their exams? hm, that isn't really important at this point of time, i guess. The planner siying is asleep now . We visited the World Press Photo Exhibition too. What we studied in school, the names of some of the places I saw in my geography readings, appeared so differently. A different facet. Most photos were shocking, others-you just want to curse your books and tear them apart, such a colossal discrepancy! I don't reallly feel fit or have the right to feel 'sad'. You get what I mean... What right do I have, we have to feel sad over their plights when they actually have the courage to pull through? Count our blessings.

"With a man it is otherwise. Heroisms on horseback,
outstripping his desk-diary at a broad desk"

-Ted Hughes

While we should supposedly run into the rain, around the tree, squeal with delight, "it is a MIRACLE! It is a MIRACLE!" but we didn't. We stood and stared. Quite amazing-we thought, but our next move in our minds was to start finding evidence that it is fake. Yeah. Sometimes, we should believe in fake things, in illusions, (in a more positive light) in miracles, but we do not. We love details. We like poring over the subject and paring away the exterior. We are too curious for our own good?

"We are supposed to believe it is real!"

We never did. The irony of the installation(it is titled miracle) or the intended effect? We were quite happy, felt quite intelligent, that we discovered the loopholes. I just thought it was quite amusing how we have proved ourselves to be thinking beings but not as 'feeling beings'.

There is something intrinsically wrong in believing that there are miracles.

----
I really love it. We should have more of these discovery outings, just roam around and see where our instincts take us to!

---

I miss choir. Even though there were only a number of us just now, it was AHHH, JUMPYJUMPYJOLLY to see the year twos again. Marcus asked about the year 2s bangkok trip. I hope by then the political conflict would have cleared and we could have a fab time over there. (: Haha.

OOPS. I better turn in!:D

magical realism

2006-09-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

scattering poems in the sky
like bits of shattered rainbow

I wanted so much to blog this. (: That's all.

2006-09-15T23:29:00.000+08:00

ALOHA. :D

I am halfway through my prelims. (: Economics and Literature Paper 1 were rather bad. I was so tired the day before that I couldn't concentrate. It is okay, they are OVER. I am a closet idealist- a beautiful term coined by my beautiful friends. I have the SIYING THE IDEALIST and SIYING THE CYNIC. I am so inconsistent. I do things out of my own expectations sometimes, but I know, I should know, when I have to stop wanting something, I will stop.

I am always the last to be informed when it comes to this kind of things. Maybe it is because I see things through rose-coloured glass. It is sad or rather... I am baffled about the turn of events. I believe however, good things will eventually come out of the challenges if the people make an effort. I am just thinking- I need the kinda I-WANT-TO-MAKE-A-DIFFERENCE energy back again. Ain't no cruising along for me. It is the equivalent of boredom.

anw! THANK YOU CHERYL SAM STEPH AND MIK for your eyeshadow and gloss! hahaha. more to my collection. wheeho. and yes, I must THANK JOLENE for your green DIY clip and the LOVELY cake! Everyday is my birthday. Don't you feel that sometimes, like at the end of the day, you feel reborn, renewed, you have learnt something, gained something and lost something...

I am going to sleep and start studying again. conviction (:

2006-09-01T21:48:00.000+08:00

hm. I am going to start talking to myself again to keep myself awake. I have been taking too much of a rest today. I haven't done anything significantly productive today. I need INSIGHT for ted hughes! (: Last year, i swear I wrote some rubbish for my promos, but apparently leonard ngthought it was some kind of intellectual crap that he gave me a decent grade for that essay... BUT noooo... Harris will be marking it this time, I suppose? -groans-

Anyway, I am not here to rant on about studies. :D I wanted to cry this morning but I thought of what dearest Mr Rajah said about not to cry easily. (: I think I have become stronger and better at controlling my emotions. I really don't like to break down because it makes me seem like a weakling and I am no weakling. haha. When I have finished revising my geog syllabus, I will WEEP with HAPPINESS! I look forward to that day. Soon, soon.

Serene said, (something like), "Do you know sometimes you do things before you even said it... like you will shove stuff to us and..."

"HAHA. so do you think I am manipulative?" (I honestly suspect I am, sometimes. I have such mean, evil thoughts. MUAHAHA.)

"No, it is more like how you are in your own world. Do you know sometimes, you seem like in you are in your own world?" (in an amused tone)

"Oh, really ah? The choir people say so too...(Actually I was thinking, I heard it countless times ever since like sec school-believe me, I was a tyrant in primary school.)

"And usually this kind of people are kinda more idealistic..." (she trailed off wistfully which left me wondering too whether it is a good or bad thing.)

I AM GOING TO PLAY MY ELECTONE and feel energetic!:D i hate being a woman sometimes.

2006-08-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

I don't feel like a teenager anymore. Eighteen is really kinda old, yeah. I feel different. hmm. Totally in control of myself. haha. whatever that means. (:

Thank you to my friends and FAMILY. You guys made my day.

Thanks Mabel and Cheryl:D my august babies friends! Jien and Serene! What will I do without you girls? choosing colours, laughing at the weirdest things, like to be in the blackout, lovelit&tryingtolovemaths! For the lovely birthday celebration and I love the necklaces and pouch and balloon and white TULIP. You know my mom and her friends kept laughing at the tulip! The poor tulip can't escape from its fate of rotting. That is ok. Rotting tulip. I like it. It suits me. (Suddenly I just think that it is not the time for it to bloom YET:D)Diane, Xueling, Huping, Shixuan! All my choir juniors:D You guys actually remember my birthday! It is always heartwarming to receive smses from the dunmanians. I miss them. Thank you thank you. :D kunyi and haojonathan! surprise. Berdine and Joanna-WE HAVE A DATE, WOMEN! (: junboon and zhenhui! hahaha. the ns boys... Thanks for ur wishes. Melody, yayan-I haven't seen you all for ages! and MEL, thanks for the encouragement. Jessie, mikaela, steph(class), cheryl, sam! Thanks! The moment I think of you all, the image of how you guys often gush over those romantic films will plague my mind! I am goiing to watch sweet november one day! The choir girls and boys-weiling, caroline(sorry for not able to dine and chat with you, babe.) , steph, jiejun, jeremy yeo (representing pei en and jolencia too. Hoho.) peien, jeremy chia, kenny, jianhao... BIG THANKS! to the rest of the sopsies too of course.. th elovely bday celebration last week) yes and jeannette-my auckland chum! haha. Your super long sms! (: That was very sweet. (:

My family! .and my mom's friends. my aunts too! (: THANK YOU.
I hope I didn't miss anyone out. I love you all.

I have no big, crazy whoopish feeling this year. It is a newfound hmmm... state. I feel grown-up. :D

Well my dear SERENE and JIEN, I still can like 'I am the luckiest girl in the world'. HAHAHA.

2006-08-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

I want to laugh and say "I am okay".

I am ok. :D

structural rigidities

2006-08-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

TIRED. -yawns- I have been the slackiest this week minus monday. Shit. I feel like I am not stressed and scared enough. Anyway... (: Wednesday was really nice. Thank you all sopsies, yr 1s and yr 2s. so sweet of you all. I really miss the girls. After the birthday celebration for the august babies(thanks for the gift and cake and your friendship!), Caroline, steph and I stayed back and talked for a while. ahhh. We already have plans after a'levels! We are going to busk! haha. Hopefully the rest of the yr 2s will be spontaneous to join us. Yr 1s's schedule will be too tight, I think. They are going to perform a MUSICAL! :D So cool! I want to sing and act as well... It's alright. I guess, I want more to feel the pride I know will surge upon me while enjoying the beautiful music my juniors will produce for PCC.

Everyone should see how fabulous the sops tee looks like. I am too lazy to take a photo and post it here. bah.

I don't why I am at this STRUCTURAL BOTTLENECK for my studies. Everybody thinks I am doing very well. -looks forlorn- I am not, really. I am not THAT dilligent. I am not hardworking and focused enough. Alright, enough nonsense. I am going to break through! ((:

I am relating everything to economics nowadays. laugh my socks off for my geog s essay. It is so convoluted and messed up. So RANDOM. I was like mix-and-match my economic concepts with geog theories, not that it is not possible, just that it becomes "imcomprehensible" in josef's words. The lit teachers' comments were encouraging. Miss Lo and Mr Harris. Sometimes, I think the teachers don't know that the comments they wrote or the compliments they pass, the slight acknowledgement they give of your effort can really brighten your day. It is like I feel, okay, maybe I am not that dumb or hopeless. I have a lot to prove, to express, to excel in. :D

SUNDAY-MONDAY

2006-08-13T19:00:00.000+08:00

What do you call today-

SUNDAY!

The advent of the impending MONDAY.

I have like Econs lect test tommorow and Geog MOCK exam on Tuesday. I don't mind the case study test, really. I appreciate the existence of a mock exam. It is going to coerce me to organise my thoughts and knowledge and every DETAIL regarding hydrology and deserts. oh damn. Why am I even writing about mundate stuff here???!!! okay, the secret is I am using this as a therapeutic session-to rest and recharge. I have a lot more to go and I told Ms Tham I "am going to practise past-yr questions" because she stressed to me again how I have to manage my time well when writing. Oh, me and my stupid mouth. I have done some outlines yet I feel like if I don't practise, like really PRACTISE, it is a bad sign and I am never going to move out of that pathetic shell. I have also promised myself to attempt an econs essay outline. What will Ms Tham say if I do badly again! NO MORE EXCUSES. I don't want to disappoint her or myself.

LOOK here, I am not stressed. (: I am merely MOTIVATED. :D

-end of session-

2006-08-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

hm! I realise I could be living in a bubble too! Jien, I should join you in your bubble, oh no, I am already in your bubble. You know, I have BRAVE friends. :D I am so immensely proud of them. Not everyone can be so stubbornly rooted in their beliefs and go against all odds, backlashes, criticisms, take a risk and LOVE. (: I do not think I can do it. I can't. It is some old pride and the same stubborness (though for another reason altogether) acting up.

So brave! So brave! SO BRAVE.

I was moved in a very silly way and I was like going to cry. I don't know. Sometimes, we are too pessimistic, too realistic, too practical, too critical. Couldn't we just grasp the moments and be unbounded? Not living for the moment, but living THE MOMENT.

"I want to-I want to fall crazily in love."
-a dear friend on X/6/2006

sigh, I am kind of over-hyped, philisophical but in a very unnatural fashion? I think I live in a bubble protected by all brave friends and of course my beloved family. My friends who dare to love, and dare to feel the pain. I am such a weakling!!!

Happy birthday, mabel! I really miss u and cheryl. Happy BELATED birthday joanna. You look like a real woman now! Happy birthday, berdine! I hope you have a fabulous birthday:D Timeless watch for timeless friendship for timeless elegance. (: Happy Birthday chia! Stay BOBO forever. whee! :D

My brave people, goodnight.

2006-08-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

After doing mathematics for a while, reading subjectif posts cracks me up. Everyone should visit the cosiety blog. :D I am very, very tempted to comment but I shall not. I shall not stoop down to making raw and unrefined allegations. It really highlights to me why "Singapore has always one of the highest rankings for maths and science but we do not produce top scientists and mathematicians".(Strait Times, 2006) EXEMPLARY.

For goodness sake, loosen up and have a bit of humour lah. :D Let's view things through rose-coloured glass. (:

National Day is coming! :D Fireworks! Merry Christmas!

Amplify?

2006-08-05T18:20:00.000+08:00

What about little mircophones? What if everyone swallowed them, and they played the sounds of our hearts through little speakers, which could be in the pouches of our overalls?

-"Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"-Jonathan Safran Foer

The volume is stagnant at number one, I'm afraid. Too many wavelengths of different frequencies. We still could not hear. (Can you?) Imbrolglio of heartbeats, dialogue. I wonder aloud, shouldn't there be no more guessing this way? Everyone- a happier person?

Too soft. Too much. You will not find what you mean to seek for.

beautiful disaster

2006-08-04T18:57:00.000+08:00

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as dumb as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right It just ain't right
Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I really like this song! The version sung by Gayle Nerva. ((: I am having difficulty concentrating. Don't know why I keep having headaches. bah.

Such a beautiful disaster...

the stage is yours now :D

2006-07-30T13:29:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a surprise.

I thought it would be just another tiring day of singing and performances. Marcus kept saying, "It is the year twos' last performance". I wasn't feeling particularly emotional, just enjoying the 'present' moments with my friends. The moment I stepped onto the stage though, in my slightly crumpled white gown, with my friends, "It is the last performance in our choir costumes" echoed in my mind. I really, really love singing with vjc choir. Sit down, You're Rocking the Boat was fabulous. It was a song that stayed since last year when we were year ones to now. I enjoyed myself-it was FUN, FUN, FUN! (: After this, we would not get any chance to mix choreography with singing and entertainment even if we proceeded on further to other more mature choirs. That and only that could be done at the peak of our youth. :D I love performing! I will miss dominating the stage with the choir and the audience- your applause, your cheers. Thank you. (:

While waiting for the SCO concert to start, after yr 2 sopsies therapeutic talk (HAHAHA.), the whole choir gathered in a circle with the year zeros as our guests of honour, we sang "The Shower", "Äd Dominum", "Zhu Li Guan", "Rock around the Clock", "Pamugun" and "No Man is an Island". Steph was so cute and caring. She thought I was going to cry after "The shower" and kept turning back to comfort me. I love u, steph. Dancing and singing "rock around the clock" was exhilarating. Hearty laughter, giggles, smiles... I remember my steps by the way. (:

I did not tear after "No man is an island". I don't know why. Eveyone else was weeping but when I hugged sam, I cried. I will miss working and gossiping with you, sam! You are one of my first and good friends I made in choir. We stayed on and hogged the rehearsal room for ourselves. (poor security guard) It was like a secret rendevous with seventy plus people. A thrilling and unforgettable underground party. hee.

To my peers:

The love for the forty of you all (including Olivia and EDWIN) goes beyond words. Sops especially and jiejun and sam and darren and jon chuah and rayner and nicholas and irvin... ALL OF YOU lah. :D

It is so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

To my juniors:

The seniors have never doubted your abilities. You are a very talented batch. Sometimes, our words could be harsh and hurting but we want the best for you people. We all hope youwould keep pushing yourself and scale greater heights. Aptitude can only take you so far but if combined with great attitude, there is no limit to your potential. :D I am very proud of how some of you have changed and become more committed and consistent. :) Do whatever you can, you want... Christmas concert, musical... yeah, go for it. Cherish one another because one and a half years would pass very quickly and soon, you will be stepping down.

He Li said, "I think we are more sad than you all." I would like to say, we feel your sincerity, He Li. Perhaps some of us do not show it, but we do appreciate the juniors. Finally, thank you for the beautiful night, for accommodating the emotional year 2s, for being such lovely juniors and understanding our dilemmas especially at this time of the year.

Now that we have left, the stage is yours :D

chemistry

2006-07-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

We scoffed at immaturity today. ok, it is not I am super mature and sensible. hee. Yet, that was plain silly. I think anybody would have laughed in disbelief. Even Peishan felt embarrassed for her ex-school juniors and she is totally not that kind who will make quick and irrational judgments about people. It was INCREDULOUS. hm.

Something we talked about today really triggered off a chain of questions. Peishan was telling us how taking medicine helps to curb her friend's depression.[I have heard it many times before but it struck a different chord today.] It is a happy occasion nonetheless. hm, I was just thinking about the fallibility of humans. We often think we are superior, possess unsurpassable mental faculties than the animals, we can be logical, we have emotions, we have feelings... all these beautifully intrinsic sentiments that none of the other species have... BUT, we are afterall flesh and blood that is much manipulated by our body chemicals and reactions and whatnot. It is like a sudden revelation that we are fragile. We are not that superior, everything is prescribed. Let say, we elevate the image of LOVE... The most moving love poems in the world-they are merely an idealistic concoction that has derived from some kind of body chemicals in your body and will soon or later, fizzle out. You can claim 'I have fallen in LOVE', but that is only the chemistry that has a limit cap over it which will stop producing the sort of "lovey-dovey feeling" after a few years. "...men and women are biologically predisposed to be in love for no more than 30 months." (Dr Gil Anaf is a psychoanalyst and psychiatrist in Adelaide) It is infatuation that is spread over a few years. how sad. How do people get married then and "live happily ever after"? I think the people who are only worthy to be considered are the old ah mahs and ah peis in their seventies and eighties who have walked like more of half their lifetimes together... They probably wouldn't blatantly exclaim it is love. After a while, it is love out of habit. That really isn't quite a bad thing. It is like one's insistence on drinking black coffee with toasted kaya bread every morning for breakfast. However, you will never know, or you never want to know that perhaps, perhaps, that is a bad habit that should be stopped.

I sound cynical?

It is just frightening to me how we are at the mercy of our subconsciousness.

I totally love the erhu solo tonight. I was quite moved. heh. had tears in my eyes. Maestro is fabulous conductor. ((:

CHAMPIONS

2006-07-26T22:25:00.000+08:00

okay. You know the sort of thing when people(u think will TRUST U) DOUBT you and question your committment when I have already reflected to the erm, rightful authorities or bodies.

I probably won't be coming to school today if there was no choir practice because teacher did not come and we ended up with a lot of breaks. aiya, whatever. WHY AM I TRYING TO EXPLAIN. I have made my point.

I am quite happy to see all yr two sops today. HAHAHA. :D

Mrs Low wants to see me!!! yayness. I wonder what she has to say about my wonderful results and me clinging onto S paper. HAHAHA. :D

well, congrats, CHORALE! wheeho(: Jiayun's sms from Xiamen! OLYMPIC CHAMPION! :D

my first ABC

2006-07-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

"Though her hands were inprecise blurs, paint heaped on paint and rolled with the brush, the rest of the skin has been expertly rendered in all its variety-chalky whites and lively pinks, the underlying blue of her veins and the ever present human hint of yellow, intimation of what is to come. "

-Zadie Smith "On Beauty"

In the midst of erm... Maths lecture, it suddenly dawned upon me how we are overly critical of our teachers sometimes. I always always believe no matter what, we should give the teachers basic respect and I do not like it whenever any of my peers spoke in those I-am-super-confident-and-I-win-you-lose tone, challenging the teachers in a almost crude, outright fashion, that kind that will impel the teacher to a corner of no retreat or advance. School is a place to learn from one another and not a place to flaunt one's oratorical skills or display your prowess in managing an audience better than your teacher. The thing that drives me to study is not about my own dreams and goals; that stands for 70 percent probably, the other 30 percent goes to my fear of letting people down. I want my teachers to be proud that they have a brilliant and hardworking student, I want them to be proud of themselves. I want to be able to message Mr Koh Lip Kang and EXCLAIM to him I have gotten an A for Maths. Those are the people who inspire me-I do not think they know it. I want prove it to Mr Josef Tan that HELLO, not only BOYS can do Geog(that was what he claimed. BOYS are in the highest strata) and for instantly giving us rude awakening calls of how CRAP we are. oh, horrible, can you imagine how many times a day he will have to repeat and shove it down your throat that YOUR ARE MEDIOCRE. YOU ARE CRAP. Of course, it was not a personal direct attack but being one of (sadly) the 30 plus people(??) below the median. I could feel the WORDS jumping like all over me. and I want to thank him in the future how that helps me to put my perspective in place and it was really sweet and nice of him as a teacher to encourage qiuyi and me through an sms not to be disheartened after we went to look for him regarding common test stuff. It is HARD not to. I love Geography(it has become a phobia) and I went into the office and requested for the "Subject Occurence form". I actually said withdrawal form. what a classy and hmm, I would say, positive name for such a form. yes, indeed. It was madness. I was telling irvin, sometimes you have to make painful decisions. I took the form home, stared for it for a few seconds, NONE of my nerves, cells, vessels were screaming and calling quits. I believe that is a SIGN. (: I don't know what entails for me for the prelims, next year, next three years but for what now, for the 70 percent and 30 percent, I just want to improve. Sometimes, the higher I set my expectations, the more I feel, YES, I CAN NAIL IT, the more poorly I will perform. (: IRONY of LIFE. Yes and for that slight moment while I was having this mental debate regarding teachers, I consider BEING a teacher for three seconds! hahaha. I think I will, after I have amassed all the real shit from the society. :D

"...and I wrote the first faint line,
faint, without substance, pure nonsense,
pure wisdom of someone who knows nothing..."

-Pablo Neruda "Poetry"

chasing rainbows

2006-07-23T04:56:00.000+08:00

So! It's close to 5 am.. I actually plan to sleep at 3 am but you know I want the font on my blog to be presentable so I keep changing and changing. The image of Pei En doing an impersonation of Jonathan Leong with adoration and infatuation is perpetually stuck in my mind now.

And just like the ocean under the moon
Well that's the same emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin that can be so smooth
Gimme your heart, make it real
Or else forget about it

She is so cute, that I can't stand it. HAHAHA. I love doing silly things with my girls. I kinda like SCO in a uncanny sort of way. It reminds me that i love music, that I love to sing. Chinese orchestral music is cool. Singing with friends makes everything brighter and more worthwhile. I have to confess to something, remember the pretty files? I don't think I can give them by sco performance day. Nopie slipshoddy gifties from siying.

I am never tired of chasing rainbows. The plethora of colours and the dimension of the unknown; untested. It is this ever-vigilance, self-resilience, fall-clenchfists-bouncesup-with-a-smile that scares me. I allow no taint nor tear. I am a proud woman and I hate myself for it sometimes.

lemon butter cookies

2006-07-20T23:04:00.000+08:00

I want the whole day to myself tomorrow and saturday. Just me and my lovely geography notes and mathematics tutorials. (: I want to bake the yummy lemon butter cookies (better than crabtree and evelyn's ones!) and give them to my friends and the seniors who are flying off to xiamen and competing in choir olympics. There are intensive pracs/rehearsals though. It is until ten plus pm! Five hours. -groans-

oh and I am sick of my blogskin. I need something brighter and more sanguine... something that depicts my state of my mind now and will put a smile on my face! :D I have been feeling a little, little diffident and worn out the past few days. Highly-strung. It's all over! I am buzzing with energy now! (heh, what a phrase!) I really hope practices will come to an end soon. I am not complaining anymore. HOPING. ((: It is more positive and optimistic yeah. okay lah, it's rather idealistic and delusive but WE NEED IT to move on with life sometimes. (as what marie said)

I like today. what a difference a day makes. some time spent together with my girlfriends-serene and jien! happy birthday, chicken! ((: You are eighteen and yes, you are the luckiest girl in the world. :p I like hooking arms with these favourite people and laughing at one another's stupidity or nonsense or just having plain simple girlish fun.

I am craving for some real brainwork. goodnight, world and these are beautiful lyrics.

"I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call,
and the only heart I own…
For you, and you alone, that's all, that's all.

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold, when leaves begin to fall,
And a love who's burning light, will warm the winter night,
That's all, that's all.

There are those, I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world, for a toy,
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love that time can never destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return dear,
You'd be glad to know that my demands are small,
Say it's me that you adore,
For now, and evermore,
That's all, that's all."

the moon and insanity (:

2006-07-16T00:20:00.000+08:00

It could be the moon tonight... I haven't looked at the sky yet but it must be. turning up the knob of insanity. I feel ridiculously happy today.

Jïen: "So why are you so happy today?"

I am not good at hiding emotions and I like honesty. It feels good to be just able to speak from your heart- not "speak your mind"-but from your heart. There is a huge difference. I enjoy these little moments of euphoria. yep. (: TSD public performance rocked. great job, serene dear! hmm. I will say, it is nice to see my class seniors around, people whom I don't really know but admire because of their down-to-earth yet over-the-top personalities. Chrystal called my name and I was like this little secret fan, gretting and waving enthusiastically to she, cho and brandon. ANYWAY, khairul asked in wry sort of tone, "SO how many awards did you all bag this year?" haha.

I am not an expert or whatsoever but I think after watching those great pieces created by your peers always seem so surreal... like you catch glimpses-more than glimpses, surely into their lives, their interpretations of other lives(haunting, relentless echoes) and you stop and ponder about your own.

"Are you alive? Alive? Are you?"

Lines of weaknesses

2006-07-10T12:44:00.000+08:00

There were times like this when I really feel like walking out onto the street and being knocked down by the car... I hate feeling feeling weak and crying and heaving uncontrollably for breath. oh and I felt super useless like a big, big failure... and I hate it when I have these lines of weakness...(you know joints will enlarge and everything will disntergrate) My mom won't listen to my explanation. That is the saddest thing. Does she think I am really that uncaring and irresponsible... if not for berdine, I would have slept through the morning... I jolted awake cos' of berdine and I woke my mom and especially my bro up... cos if my bro overslept and missed school... poor berdine will be distraught at the eleventh hour. My mom always puts all the blame to me and then she will start linking irrelevant things and berate me together?! Just listen to me, won't she? I can accept her viewpoint but she goes like a machine gun. I feel very bad already... My whole heart just sank after berdine's mom smsed me. She must be furious and I felt very guilty of making her and berdine angry. I felt like suffocating myself with the blanket cos it is so hard to keep crying and heaving... but it's dumb cos it is not me TO GIVE UP SO EASILY... I remember the countless things I am still bounded to... I haven't passed the cd of admin matters and personal letter to jerrold... he needs all those details and admin stuff if not he will be lost... there won't be a backup source of guidance... I haven't given peishan tuition money... millions things to do. responsibilities.

throat is scratchy. onslaught of a migraine.

EVIL (:

2006-07-09T02:03:00.000+08:00

Everything seems so placid. Slow. Not moving. Time at a standstill. Oh, how I wish it is possible! To lie by the lake and gaze at the velvet sky speckled all over with shimmering little stars... with a nice warm cup of hot chocolate and my favourite Disney quilt...

OH, SHUT IT.

Hello, welcome to the real world. -BIG TOOTHY GRIN-

Seriously, there is something wrong with me. UH HUH. There is this huge bubbling broth of wicked, wicked poison that is like desperate to explode and overwhelm me and drown the innocent ones around me. I wish I have enough guts to write the F-word but NO, you see, I have my principles. I DO NOT SUCCUMB. Do not. Do not. Shucks. I hear the little devil in my head.

I want to give a black face but do you know I hate to do so? It is so sickening to be black-faced and I rather smile and throw my head and laugh prettily than be angry. (I rather make people smile-serene said I make her smile... oh sweetie! Heehee. She will be rolling her eyes at this instant. ) It takes so much to be angry at nothing but yourself for being so asinine. Plain dumb. I try not to. So I am in that difficult position of repressing and moving on and yet not? HAHAHA. I am amused by myself. I know exactly the ways to think in a more Ah-Q manner but well as Harris has said, HUMANS ARE WEIRD, we always revert back to the same point. Same old irritating stain. You know you hate it but you won't remove it.

They should let yr twos take part in OCIP this year. I missed out last year because there was the Christmas concert and it just did not seem right for like an exco member to be missing in action when you know beforehand, the DATE of the concert and blah. The kids are so adorable. That is the least I can do. Do stupid things and make people laugh? I wish I can forget about a levels and immerse myself in some run-down backstage, getting flustered while fixing some props and smearing paint all over my wrinkled hand yet all this are done with a stronger sense of purpose? Or in a village, carving letters and numbers onto the blackboard, sneezing incessantly because of the white chalk...despite of that, smiling radiantly at the clusters of dwarves of aspirations and dreams staring back at you with the same curiosity, intensity and ferocity of life?

I can't study with just OH-I-AM-APPLYING-TO-UK-UNIVERSITIES and OH-I-HAVE-A-STUDY-SCHEDULE and neither do I like studying business as in general, general business... because it reminds me of vicious people who are willing to backstab one another and well, be a fabulous liar and make lots of profits at the expense of others' misery... That is business. In the real world. (my opinion-I am confused lah) I like arts/ hospitality and tourism management. (: It is tough to find really good schools that are easily accessible. -SIGH-you know, that is not the main point of my entry tonight.

RE-FOCUS.

Alright and will you please STOP running around in my head.

train crash

2006-07-03T01:42:00.000+08:00

I couldn't find this abstract entry I have written. It is probably at diary-x which has already been axed. Quite a pity, but i guess we are always making memories. Learn to let go. (painlessly). I couldn't much express myself now. I watched world cup while studying. Armed with the notes and tutorials and whatnot, and the glaring tv right before me... My best friend sipping her dinosaur milo and I bothering her to solve my maths questions... World-up watching was so much more enticing and interesting during the holidays. It was like a eye-candy treat plus emotional drive after the whole day of learning. I don't think I will enjoy world cup as much now. My favourite teams have been eliminated-Spain and Brazil. Not pretty. I was so sorry I fell asleep this morning and left berdine dear alone crying after the Brazil match...

I stare at the screen before me blankly. Why have you diffused every corner and nook of my mind? I never want to get too close. I never even come close to. Pulling the brakes is the natural, instictive thing to do yet, the engine is roaring rebelliously. (How could it stop? How will it stop?) The dull red tracks of metals cut the tyres of black rubber, leaving behind wounds-each a pitless depth of swirling confusion, as they overcome the forces of friction. The deliberate halting of emotions. The knowing of the unknown. The train is going to crash, anyway.

2006-06-22T15:14:00.000+08:00

I feel so dumb and stupid. You know what, I just realised that only development of tourism and social impacts are tested for human geog essays! I have spent my time being so excited about conjuring essays on sustainable development and blah, blah...eco-tourism... economic impacts... linking here and there...brainstorming...ALAS! only these two sections are tested. shucks. It's time to focus back on my core topics'and physical geog lah.

I really feel very dumb.

love and hate relationship with geog.

do u know... the super thick reading about Climate Change is like... totally FASCINATING. There were so many technical terms. It is as if I know what I am reading yet I don't know what I am reading... and little bits and pieces of infomation were swarming in my brain...

yes, rambling about geography. I am seriously going CRAZY.

why can't it be the other way round... I will rather study the whole of tourism geography and in fact human geography than to study the whole of atmosphere? ): The readings are really... It is not the topic. It is the readings. READINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT OUR LECTURE NOTES. okay, they SUPPORT, i suppose, with a lot of crap in between. printed out my own notes and READINGS and research stuff. bah bah black sheep.

BACK TO STUDYING! ((:

2006-06-16T09:19:00.000+08:00

my oh my. I have the 30 hr famine camp tmr but I am not done with studying.

HOW??!

nyec 2006

2006-06-11T11:06:00.000+08:00

have to blog about the National Youth Entrepreneurship Camp somehow. (: hmm. The pre-camp briefing was quite astounding, I would say? I expected the participants to be jc students, instead it was packed full of secondary school students who were being forced by their teachers to attend the camp. bah. So you can imagine... how cold the atmosphere was. I was pushing myself to sustain a high energy level, because I don't want to be BORED and I would really want to make good use of the camp... So, was like being enthusiastic, asking and answering questions... No one was really willing to talk and the 'industry head' aka president of biz club aka zhenyao was quite poor thing. He was trying to engage the campers and I must say he was really trying his very best, so I guess, being one of the "oldest" campers in that group... I tried to be more "jie-jie-ish"and you know smile and motivate the younger ones more... was feeling exasperated and was trying not to do it overboard, to an extent of AA-ness. hahaha. ((:

I love the CHALLENGE- which is to brainstorm and come up with a proposal and presentation in a day. I mean really challenging... have to get used to your teammates' working styles and that sort of thing. We were the last group and I know we as compared to other groups, had more detailed research and was kinda confident... ALAS, one of our group members, the ONLY GUY, decided to screw up our presentation. When it was his turn to present, he launched on his grandmother-point-repeating story (went out of point and changed our grp's stand !) and squandered our presentation time away till we were left with one minute when we had even more substance behind! He didn't even go to the MAIN POINTS. I really, really didn't want to intercept because it would reflect badly on the group, but it was a crisis. despite my subtle signals, he still couldn't get it... so I smiled and spoke and helped to MOVE ON but he decidedly 'drag me" back and went on to his one-man show. The rest of the group-the girls were like really really embarassed! THE COMPANY REPRESENTATIVE WAS THERE! ONE OF THE JUDGES! I was like ARGH. Of there is no use crying over split milk, but after the presentation, I told the guy off in those low, DELIBERATELY SLOW, threatening voice. (think he was scared) I wasn't being a domineering bitch. but i think he needs to grow up and LEARN. We are in a team and we work as a team and I was like "i have shown you the slides, have reminded you to pace up your speaking... and we have discussed exactly what our GROUP'S STAND is when it comes to the marketing policy... " He was still quite full of himself, refused to admit his mistakes until I "okay, so keep it up, you did a great job. This is a camp for us to learn. if you are unwilling to listen to others'opinions and feedback, so be it, you won't survive". okay, I was quite harsh, but in that situation, HE NEEDS SOMEONE TO KNOCK SENSE INTO HIS BRAIN. I wasn't actually flying into the rage, I turned around and smiled at the girls and told them my attitude and tone was only solely reserved for him. I don't want to be all nice and sugary to people who OBVIOUSLY ignored instructions. Inthe end, he apologised and I forgave him, our group wnet back to normal. hahaha. He is a bright and nice guy, just (argh) sometimes unable to employ his sense of hearing effectively.

yup, I had a blasting time with my group members-wanling, ken, yongwei, anmar and our group facilitator, zhejun... played a lot of those silly games like "hai dai"... haha... we were quite well-bonded, I must say. Wanling is so adorable. (sec 3 girl from chij st theresa) On the second night, after camp, she came over to my place and fixed up the anime for our presentation... She is really very cute. So is David from another group, he came to join our group because he was bored with his. The CEO-Match game was really FUN! It is a sort of monopoly cum strategic/decision-making game! boardgame cum virtual game combined. wheeho. Opposite me, was this vjc year two guy and his teammates. HAHAHA. he looked super cunning lah. We were all like whispering and plotting our moves... ((: I want to play the game again! After that, Fabian, nyjc core team member divulged to me the game secrets. so COOL.

NYJC is a BEAUTIFUL SCHOOL. very bright and very artistic... they had like so many paintings in the school.. I couldn't helpbut stop to admire them everytime. I like their library too! I am such a fussy woman it's hard for me to like a place but I like NYJC! great studying environment. The biz club people were great. very helpful and friendly. ((: I think their planning skills are very commendable, given that this is a first time. The Facilitators all had black files to put all the sheets of action plans, details and blah blah. Very organised. -nods- In fact, I think, perhaps VJC CAN learn from them! It was supposedly a joint collaboration between nyjc biz club and nus bingo... but nus bingo seems to be like the more laidback ones? I don't know but they got very good speakers and mentors to help us. while we were preparing for our proposal, some mentors from nus bingo... young entrepreneurs ard their twenties, or early thirties came to give us some insight and advice. goodness, technology is so mind-blowing. hahaha. an arts student loving technology. I think the mentors were really impressive... very patient and I think they must be very brave people, to actually take such a huge risk to carve out a path on their own. yeah. I have never appreciated technology so much as I have after the camp. We asked them regarding our marketing ideas... and I realised, reality is totally a different thing. we might think oh, so and so is a good idea but somehow the experts would offer us an alternative point of view. Marketing is really HARD especially when you have the budget to worry about but I like the thrills. ((: I want to thank the mentors personally but those attached to our group, did not attend the closing ceremony. bah.

well, during pre-camp briefing, there was a point of time when i thought, shucks, what have I done again this time, signing up for a camp that was lacking vitality. haha. I think whatever we do, we msut always keep our mind open and just go for it and we will somehow find some learning points.

It is at times when we hold back too much, that we miss the greatest opportunities.

feel like organising a camp again after NYEC 2006... my dream is to have my whole class working towards some social-arts kinda activity after a's ...(busking last year wAS fun fun fun!) haha. to tap the tsd peeps 's talents and their out-of-the-world experience(they sure have a lot to deal with-stress, backstage politics and the ongoing need to produce creative juices unfailingly), qiuyi and co's social work, CIC's experience, elaine's powerful and silent brainstorming, ryan's networking and planning, jolene's bubbly nature and enthusiasm and let's-go-for-it attitude, sherene's perseverence and organisation and ... hahaha, well, to put together all these diverse talents and personalities is a challenge itself!

Afternoon Cafe

2006-06-08T00:56:00.000+08:00

I try to shut out the repetitive thoughts.

What gives me the right to retain even the smallest fraction of your charm?

It does not belong to me.

but tonight, I am not rational.

I am not a superwoman.

let me indulge.

i am not MUGGING

2006-06-03T11:17:00.000+08:00

While others are probably happily mugging away, I am/was here compiling all the year twos attendances and contributions and leadership positions and whatnot. Supposedly, I want to feel bitter and sour... hahaha. but I am quite proud of what I have done... I have chalked up every single achievement/contribution of each individual... like camp group leaders, all the sub-committees... I even added the aims and rationale and their jobscopes, make everyone sound really important(they are important, OKAY!) and I wrote adhoc and crc will sometimes take the initiative to lead the sub-committees and stand up and encourage fellow members... haha. The point is that I really don't think Mr Kan really knows what these people; what WE are doing... Everyone plays an equaly important role in choir. some choir peeps might feel they are often so busy with choir things and their testimonials are going to look pathetic-WELL, NO! I tried my best to add all their contributions, hopefully Mr KAN will type in everything they have done as well. :D wheeho.

anyway, I really haven't done any solid studying. -cries- and I am off to ntu's school of engineering auditiorium for the entrepreneurship camp briefing. I hope it is enriching & tilliating. going to throw myself to the sea of strangers! oh, and I had a strange dream last night.